Air, relationships. Without them, we can’t breathe. This year I learned to inhale deeply, into my chest, into my heart. And inside my heart, live many beautiful relationships.

When thinking about the air element, relationships, and the heart chakra this week, I found myself uncertain where to begin. I haven’t really made any new friendships, which as I’ve written before, is something that I desire. But as I gave myself more time and space to think and meditate on the relationships that have come into my life, what relationships have deepened, what relationships have faded…then I found that there was a lot of progress made on relationships that were already in my life.

The first, and most profound, deepening of a relationship is the one with myself. Perhaps I have not been able to move outward and cultivate new friendships because I needed this year to learn to understand and love myself. I have spent a lot of time going inward and discovering who I really am and learning to accept all of myself. I’ve explored the demons that lurk inside, the ones that tell me I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve to have all that I want. I have cleaned out old ideas and beliefs and discarded patterns that do not support the person I want to be. In doing all of these things, I have started a kind and gentle relationship with myself (something I’ve never had before) and I am enjoying the unfolding of this process.

I remember back when I had not yet been in a serious relationship. I could never understand how people stayed together for a year or more. For me, I’d get annoyed with people or they would try to get too close and I would push them away…and that was after a month or two. I can remember thinking that I would never marry because I didn’t see how you could continue to love someone, or grow more in love with someone, as time went on. I thought you’d hit a point and then it would stabilize or fade.

Now, I get it. After five years in a relationship with the same person, it makes so much sense that as time goes on, new layers are revealed. It’s not that the person continues to change and you feel fireworks inside, but that as a couple, you come to understand the other person in a much more extensive way. You “get” the other person. And that makes the love grow and it makes the relationship new and exciting as you discover new ways of relating to each other.

An example that comes to mind is getting a Christmas tree. Every year, right after Thanksgiving, I love going to get my Christmas tree. I love coming home and putting Christmas music on and decorating the tree. It’s a tradition. The first year Eddie and I went to get the tree, he wasn’t that interested. He helped me carry it into the house, but didn’t want to decorate it with me. It wasn’t ever a big deal to him growing up, so he didn’t really have any attachment to it. I wanted him to be part of this ritual with me. I wanted him to get as excited as I did. But that wasn’t him. And so, year after year, he would come with me to pick out the tree, but that was about it.

Then, this year, when we brought the tree home, I started getting the lights ready and he was right there with me, helping to wrap them around the tree. I started hanging ornaments, and there he was, pulling ornaments out of their cases and covers and putting them on the tree. This small shift made such an impact on me. It wasn’t that I asked him to do this with me and I don’t think it’s because he felt like he had to. I think he gets that it’s something I love and he wants to be part of it WITH ME. And that makes me love him even more.

It’s only over time that you discover new and meaningful ways to show up for the person you love. When you really understand who they are and what they are passionate about, then you are able to add new dimensions to your relationship by becoming part of the rituals and routines of the other. It’s not giving up parts of yourself, but adding to who you are. I know that because of my relationship with Eddie, I have expanded my views and ideas, opening up new possibilities that wouldn’t exist otherwise.

Then there are my sisters. I have three younger sisters, but we are spread out in terms of age. The three of them are closer in age and have so many funny stories that they remember from their adolescence. But I had gone off to college while they were still in elementary, junior high, and high school. I’ve always loved my sisters, but haven’t really known them until recently. As we’ve gotten older and are now all adults, I’ve have really noticed that our relationships are growing stronger.

Tiff and I have been the closest, simply because we are closest in age and have spent a lot of time together. When she left on her trip to Asia, we emailed each other almost daily. Long email about nothing and everything. She longed for the comfort of home and I was out of work and looked forward to a daily connection with someone. When she came back this year, we had a long, emotional talk about our relationship. She had changed in her time away and felt like she was coming home to what had always been. For us, that meant that I was the big sister and she was a little kid. She wanted to feel like we are equals, friends. There were certain habits that we had gotten into and that would have persisted if she hadn’t been strong enough to be honest with me. Because of her honesty, our relationship has grown and we are able to be open in our interactions. Tiff is a smart, strong, BRAVE woman and I’m so lucky to have her in my life.

Katizzle, my wild and crazy sister back in the day has grown into such a beautiful woman. A smile crosses my face when I think of Katie-she was a little rascal growing up, full of energy and animation who grew into the hardcore soccer queen that has gone through 4 ACL surgeries without complaint, and the one who even now uses words like “crunked” and “skerd”. It took Kates some time to grow into the woman she is, but I love who she has become. This year we have spent a lot of time on the phone, having hour long conversations, laughing and connecting. I am so grateful for the time that we’ve taken to develop our relationship.

Kelbell, the baby, went away to college at Chico this year. I remember having conversations with my brother and other sisters, worrying about her going so far away from home. After her first few weeks, homesickness set in. Because I’m the closest in proximity, Kel and I spent a lot of time on the phone, she came to visit the city quite a few times, and I went up to Chico to see her. As Kelsey starts out on her journey toward self-discovery, I am glad that she calls me for advice or when she needs someone to talk to. These are important years and I feel privileged to be an influence in her life right now.

As I am wrapping this up, I see that although new relationships may not have come into my life, I have maintained and revitalized the ones that were already present. Sometimes it takes looking at what we do have in order to refocus and realize how lucky we are.
.

Week two of Inner Advent asks us to consider water elements that have flowed through our lives this year.

In reflecting back on how my year unfolded I do see a pattern of darkness to light, confusion to clarity. In the beginning of 2007 I was still without a job, not sure of how I would make my next rent payment or where my life was going. I was suspended in mid air, not sure where I would land. But as the year progressed, I found a job that fit well with me: an academic setting, but with less stress than teaching. I found a job where I can breathe. Once settled into this new position, a path for my future opened up in front of me. I have now applied for the MFA Writing program and hope to start in summer.

Spiritually, I have come a long way from struggling with meditation to enjoying and looking forward to it. I find that I am taking more time for myself these days, time to nurture myself. And I am learning how to ask for what I want, so that I can fill myself up, rather than looking to others for validation. For example, I have asked to have the apartment to myself for a couple of hours on Sundays. It is my one day off from both jobs and I choose to take that time to feed my soul. I meditate, I pull out my journals and play inside of them, I write, I light candles and offer prayers, I take a bath and give myself body scrubs and scented lotion massages. I have never spent this kind of time giving myself this kind of attention. Especially my body…really taking time to give my arms a sugar scrub, buffing my feet, using a body brush to stimulate my skin. It feels good to do so now, to pay attention to the neglected parts of myself, to reclaim them and own them and LOVE them.

My thought patterns have changed over this past year as well. I am much more conscious of my thinking and make an effort to turn negative or mean or harsh thoughts around. I am also able to separate myself from my thoughts, to recognize that just because I think something does not mean that it’s true…and does not mean that the thought is part of me. It is my mind talking and I can choose to let it go. This is huge for me. For most of my life, I’ve let my mind run wild and create worse case scenarios that would keep me awake at night. I would let my mind worry and fret with no end in sight causing physical and emotional stress. Now I am able to breathe through these times and to let the thoughts come and go, without upsetting me.

I feel that the seas of change have swept in and created new and healthier rhythms for me. Although there are still the ups and downs inherent in life, for the most part, I’m floating on calm waters. When the occasional storm rises, it’s nothing I can’t handle.

As the year comes to an end, I am in the process of creating closure. Last year I was introduced to Lynn Jericho’s Inner Christmas: http://www.innerchristmas.com/. This year in addition to celebrating Inner Christmas, I will also be following her Inner Advent. For the four weeks leading up to Christmas, I will be looking at a different area of my life, using elements and chakras as the guide. Week 1: Earth element, first chakra. Week 2: Water element, second and fifth chakra. Week 3: Air element, fourth chakra. Week 4: Fire element, third and sixth chakras.

This week marked the first week of Inner Advent and I have been contemplating the Earthly elements of my year. Any concrete creations, projects, activities that I have brought to completion. For starters, I found a job early in 2007 and am now feeling settled into my position and comfortable with the responsibilities as well as people that I work with. Back when I was looking for a job, I focused on five qualities that I was looking for and all of those elements are part of my job now. I breathe a sigh of relief when I think back to where I was a year ago, still searching for a job, uncertainty and worry and stress were very much a part of my daily life. Now, I am stabilized in my work.

My work with Fruition has ended this year. I was part of Fruition for about a year and a half and relied on their support in order to integrate healthy eating, cooking, and habits into my lifestyle. In June, when my last group was over, I felt ready to step out on my own. I have enough tools now to know how to take care of myself and give myself what I need, whether it be primary or secondary food. In my work with Fruition, I was introduced to meditation and have really developed my practice this year. In the beginning of the year, I was still frustrated when it came time to meditate. Now I have a regular practice and I look forward to it. I crave it and need it in order to balance and calm myself.

I have also begun exploring my spirituality this year and am having a great time creating new rituals and defining what I believe in. Many books have guided me on this path, including Eat, Pray, Love (I will keep mentioning this book because I am in love with it!), The Red Book, Firstlight, and Pronoia to name a few. I am excited to continue on this journey of discovering places in myself that I never knew existed, and the ways in which I connect with all of life.

My yoga practice is back in place and like meditation, it is something that I crave. My body begs for yoga when I go a few days without it. There is something so soothing about the movements and stretching and focus. When I finish the practice, my body feels spacious and open and alive. I am grateful that I have found my way back to yoga this year and look forward to deepening my practice.

This year I have set financial goals for myself and am working toward them. It feels good to have a budget and know how much money is coming in and where it is going. I sat down a couple weeks ago and reevaluated my values and priorities in my life right now and am focusing on making sure that my money is spent in line with my values. Although finances are tight for this small portion of my life, it feels good to be aware of them and honoring my choices regarding money. I have also taken a second job this year, in order to have more money coming in, as well as to save up for a vacation. I am proud of the way I have chosen to confront and work on my finances, rather than avoiding and ignoring, which was what I did for years.

Just last week I went home for Thanksgiving and learned how to knit. I have been talking about learning to knit for a while and I’m glad that I have added a new skill and hobby.

Looking back over this list of things I’ve brought to completion in 2007, I feel good. I have accomplished much and grown in the process. I am blessed by all that has come to be in the past year. Namaste.

Why is so hard at times to accept the truth of who I am? I often find myself comparing who I am to other people. I wish that I could open up and make friends more easily, like Eddie. I wish I had the discipline to get myself to a yoga studio and do an hour and a half practice every night for two months, like Tiff. If only I had the initiative with my writing to submit pieces for publication, then maybe I would be on my way to a dream career.

In having this kind of thinking, I’m really judging myself and putting myself down, rather than accepting and celebrating the uniqueness of me. So here it is…the truth about who I am. A start, at least. Out loud (on paper). The silly little nuances and the bigger ideals that create a complete picture of me.

I need rest, lots of rest. Eight hours a night is necessary and I’m not a night owl. As much as I may want to stay up and hang out with friends on weekends, if I want to feel good and stay healthy, I need my sleep. For a long time, I struggled with this. I would try to stay out late and push my body to limits that I knew were too far. It resulted in me getting sick. I spent a good portion of a four-year period in my life sick because I did not listen to the wisdom of my body. I know better now and listen with respect to the messages that my body gives me.

I crave alone time and get very irritable if I don’t have enough time by myself. I need time to read and to write, to do yoga, to meditate, to sit with myself and just be. Everyday, I need little breaks, time-outs, so that I can retreat and replenish. Ten minutes in the church on campus to deepen my breathing and clear my mind. A twenty-minute walk in between jobs so that I can mentally let go of my day at job one. Five minutes to an hour when I get home to transition from the work world to my home life. And then I need longer chunks of time on the weekends to create or journal or just think.

I love writing. My dream is to be a published author who works from home. However, this dream scares me. I doubt my writing talent and ability. How do I know if I’m any good? I worry about being naked, exposed if I do get published or about hurting others if I’m truthful in my writing. Yet I know that when I sit down to write, time becomes irrelevant. I am content with me and the computer or my mind with pen and paper.

I am a sensitive being. My emotional body is very susceptible to the energy of others. In the past, I have allowed the energy of others to seep into myself, morphing me into their emotional state. I have to be very conscious and aware of creating space around myself, so that I separate my emotions from those of another being. I am learning to do this and am getting much better at it. And the truth is, I like being sensitive. I like that I am aware and intuitive about others and myself. Expressing emotions comes easily and naturally to me and while I do cry my fair share and raise my voice in anger, I am releasing the energy of the emotions. It keeps me honest. If something is wrong, I can’t hide it. That’s one place where I don’t hide.

I am deep. I crave depth in my relationships. But I have a hard time trusting people, so it’s extremely difficult to create meaningful relationships because I don’t often give people a chance to truly know me. It’s been so long since I’ve made a new, deep connection that I don’t even know how to go about doing it now. (And I feel silly, like I’m a child, when I admit this). What I want is a circle of trusted friends who can have conversations about spirituality and what we believe in. I want to be surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to be transparent, to be honest about mistakes and failures and embarrassments as well as accomplishments and dreams. I want more than surface talk about jobs and the weather and what’s happening this weekend. I want to know what moves people’s soul. Yet my own worries and inability to completely reveal myself to others hinders the creation of these types of bonds. I don’t know how to have this dream realized in my life. Which makes me sad.

And yet, I already have a handful of deep relationships that do satisfy me. I was blessed with a large family and have a brother and sisters who all care fiercely about one another and can have these kinds of meaningful conversations. It amazes me that as different as we all are in terms of interests and beliefs and dreams and goals, that we still share such a strong bond. The love that radiates between us flows up from a seemingly endless well inside each of us. For this, I know that I am extremely lucky. I have Eddie, a man who sees the truth of all that I am, who saw and realized it before I even did, who has stood by me while I figured it all out. Eddie, who lets me do what I need to do and supports my struggle to grow into myself, even when it impacts his life and our relationship. In Eddie, I have someone who knows the deep depths of my soul and loves me because of what he sees there.

I struggle. Mainly, I struggle with accepting who I am and I’m not really sure why. I know that there are so many gifts I have to offer to others and the world. I feel strongly rooted in the knowledge that I have a purpose in my life and that it will be fulfilled. So why do I continue to resist, to fall back into old and unhelpful patterns in my life? Maybe because I’ve only recently figured out who I am and what I want in life. Perhaps I need to give myself a break and acknowledge that I am where I am in my process. And that’s just fine.

I over-think and analyze too often. I’ve gotten better about this, but it still happens. Rather than trusting myself and my intuition, I question whether I’m making the right choices. I ask everyone else’s opinion, instead of listening to what I know will be right for me. I am working on this, learning to take time to follow my own inner guidance, rather than looking outside of myself for answers.

Most of all, I am an optimist who believes that if we tune into ourselves and pay attention, we will begin to see that life is full of serendipitous moments that are meant to bring us closer to fulfilling our dreams. I have to remind myself time and again to stop. To come back into my body, to pay attention to the rush of cold San Francisco wind on my face, to notice the smell of freshly baked bread as I pass by the patisserie on my way to work, or to feel the dewy grass as it brushes my toes when I walk through it. When I can bring myself out of my mind and back into my body, then I am able to live in each moment, instead of getting caught up in the chatter of my mind, that takes me far from where I am. More and more often, I remind myself. This is who I am and where I am right now. I am content in this moment.

In six months time, life has shifted from uncertainty into a place of elastic stability. I say “elastic stability” meaning that things are stable and plans are being made, but there is always the factor of change. Plans may shift and the elasticity gives room for these changes to be made without everything falling apart.

This is an exciting time for me. Just last week I was feeling weighted down with working two jobs and the monotony of life that comes with trying to make “responsible” choices (like paying off debt and getting myself on solid financial ground). But then I started planning for my vacation in six months, once I have saved up the money. I made a decision about where I want to travel-Central America. Now, suddenly, there is this excitement that wells up in me throughout the day. I can’t wait for this trip! I’m going to travel through four countries and see the Mayan ruins.

I’ve done Internet research and chose the perfect travel book after much internal debate at the bookstore this weekend. I can’t remember the last time that I felt this sort of enthusiasm and anticipation. I love reading through the travel book and looking at maps and figuring out where I will go, how long I will stay, and what I will be doing. And then knowing that even as I plan, I really have no idea what will happen once I get there. I still love the planning process and am enjoying being wrapped up in it.

This will be the first time that I travel to a foreign country on my own. While there is some fear and slight hesitation, the waves of energy that flow through my body when I think about this trip tell me that this is exactly what I need to do.

Beyond traveling, I am starting to look forward to going back to school next year to get my MFA in Writing. It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was leaving teaching with no idea what life held in store for me. When I tried to look ahead into the future, all I could see was a foggy wall of white, with no idea what the view looked like beyond it. Now there is a clear path opening up before me. That’s not to say that there won’t be roadblocks and potholes along the way. But there is a path.

Where is the place I am right now?

I am at an “in between” time and place of my life. I am working two jobs, trying to get my finances in order. I am trying to put my money where my values are. In doing this, I am exploring where I spend my money each month and trying to cut back in the places where the money is not in line with what I want in my life. Money and work seem to be dominating my life right now. To the point where I see myself losing time for yoga, mediation, and taking care of myself. I am trying to balance this, but find myself so tired these days that there isn’t enough time for everything.

There are so many goals and intentions in my life. Prioritizing needs to happen and for now, money (and work because it’s the means to money) is at the top. My goals for this year are to pay off the open credit cards that I have left, to start a savings account, and to build up money in a travel account so that I can begin traveling out of the country. In a spiritual sense, my goals are to continue and deepen my yoga and meditation practice. I am also working on traveling my own inner path, listening to myself and exploring who I am without help from outside entities (no Fruition or acupuncture or other healers).

I would like to cultivate new friendships as well, but that is a lower priority in this moment. And while I may not be making friendships in the way I have carved it out in my mind, I am building relationships with new and different people in my life…which IS creating new friendships, just not in the form I expected (as so often happens). I am welcoming these new interactions and using these people I have in my life to support me right now.

How is it with me in this moment?

I waver in answering this question. Okay, is the answer that comes to mind. But it’s so boring, so blah. I guess that is an accurate portrayal of how I feel right now. I know what I have to do to get to where I want to be…and so I am taking those steps right now. I am working two jobs, 60-70 hours a week. I am tired most of the time. And I notice how being worn down in my body makes me more emotional. I understand now that when my body is tired, my emotions run wild. I realize that I need to stop and check in with myself throughout the day to keep myself grounded.

I am wanting to move through the next six months so that I am at a more stable financial place. Yet I know that I need to be in this process, to be with and feel this moment of my life. So I am trying to take it day by day. I am trying to remember to slow down, to listen to what my body needs, to be gentle with myself, to accept where I am rather than hoping to rush through to the other side.

This place where you are right now
Was long ago circled on a map for you.

Is there something here, right now, that might assist your soul’s unfolding, enabling you to touch and live from the deep center of who and what you are?

Absolutely. There are always lessons to be learned. I know there is meaning behind where I am at right now. My soul is learning to articulate what its wants and needs are. Finding time for myself is becoming more and more important. Now, with the time constraints of two jobs, I have to be discerning in my choices of how I spend my free time. It takes awareness to come home at the end of a 13-hour day and decide to do yoga or take time for meditation rather than sit on the couch and zone out watching TV. And to be honest, right now, more often than not, I make the choice to fix food and watch TV. But I’m becoming aware of that and realizing that maybe I want to make a different choice. That maybe, yoga or meditation or a run or a bath, might feed my soul and in turn, give me more energy.

I made a timeline of the last four years of my life and found it interesting that I punctuated time by the jobs I’ve had. My sister would probably punctuate the last four years by the traveling she has done and Eddie might do so by the music that came out or the houses he has lived in. Thinking about this, going inside, I wonder and question, “Do I really want my life to be determined by my work?”

Apparently yes. Or at least that’s a subconscious belief I hold. Yet I never realized it until right now. I equate work with worth. I think that my work has to be meaningful in order for my life to be meaningful. Or at least, that’s what I have thought up until now. What if that’s not true? Who am I then? And how to I want my life to proceed?

Right now, my job isn’t particularly meaningful, in terms of fulfilling my dreams of connecting with and helping others, which I knew going into it. I knew it would be an in between position, giving me a few years to decide what my next move would be. But if my job isn’t meaningful, does that mean that my life doesn’t hold meaning right now? I think not. So many important changes are taking place in my life, inside of me, that I know this is a significant time.

So how do I want to punctuate my life from here on out? What will be the markers that show progress in my life? I’d like to say inner discoveries and processes…yet sometimes these are so subtle and happen gradually, making it hard to measure the moments.

Perhaps now that I’m setting intentions for myself (each year on my birthday, I’ve created a new ritual), I will use those as markers, accentuating the important moments of my life. Choosing events that are varied and hold meaning beyond just what I do, ones that are a more accurate depiction of who I am and what is important to me.

The tattoo has been started! Last Tuesday I sat through two hours of painful outlining, beginning the process. Now there’s just the coloring left. The chakras are now boldly and permanently a part of my body. In order to get all of the detail that I wanted, I had to make the tattoo bigger than originally planned. But now that I’ve had over a week with it, I love the tattoo! I’m really excited to see the finished product!

Lots of people have been asking me about the chakras. Many people have heard of them (usually referred to in a yoga class), but don’t really know too much about them. Yoga was initially where I was introduced to the chakras as well. I would hear a teacher say that a certain pose was “opening the heart chakra” or to “ground yourself through your root chakra.” I was curious about what these chakras were so I started doing some research. I browsed the internet and found pictures and brief descriptions. I learned of some books written on the subject and bought a couple. If interested, Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith is a great beginner’s guide.

Initially, I liked the symbolic representation of the chakras, the way each symbol looked and that each chakra was associated with a certain color. But as I started learning more, I was fascinated by this energetic system. So here I will try to give a brief, but in depth summary of the chakras. The seven chakras are a spiritual energetic system that begin at the base of the spine and run up the spine and out the top of the head. The chakras are associated with kundalini energy, as well as meridians used in acupuncture.

Each chakra has a sound, an element, a color, a function, and associated body parts. Chakras can be opened or closed and yoga is one way to help balance and open our chakras. If our chakras are closed, it can result in physical and/or emotional disease in the body. The goal then, is to listen to and get to know our bodies, determining where the imbalances lie and then take actions to create more balance within ourselves.

The first chakra is located at the base of the spine and is red. The Sanskrit name is Muladhara. The first chakra represents our basic needs (food, shelter) and is associated with grounding, feeling connected to the Earth and feeling like we belong.

The second chakra is located in the lower belly, right under the belly button and is orange. Svadhisthana is the Sanskrit name. It represents our emotions and ability to feel. It is also associated with sexuality and creativity. Our reproductive organs are connected to this chakra.

The third chakra is located at the stomach or solar plexus and is yellow. The Sanskrit name is Manipura. This chakra is our personal power center, where we have our will and determination. Self-esteem and self worth are formed here. Our digestion is associated with the third chakra.

The fourth chakra, or heart chakra, is located in the chest at the heart center. The color is green (or sometimes pink). Anahata is the Sanskrit name and this is where love, compassion, and understanding come from. The heart chakra is a unifying force where the lower, more physical chakras meet with the higher, more conceptual chakras.

The fifth chakra is located at the throat and is blue. The Sanskrit name is Visuddha. This chakra is associated with communication, speaking our truth, and expression.

The sixth chakra is considered the third eye, on the forehead above and between the eyes. The Sanskrit name is Ajna and the color is indigo. This is where our intuition comes from along with imagination, visualization, and concentration.

The seventh chakra is also known as the crown chakra and radiates out from the top of the head. The color here is white or meant to encompass the entire spectrum of colors. The Sanskrit name is Sahasrara. This chakra is higher knowledge, union, bliss, nirvana.

The symbol that represents each chakra is a circle, lotus, or wheel (chakra is the Sanskrit word for wheel or disc) that then has a certain number of petals. The root chakra (first chakra) has four petals, then the second chakra has six, third has ten, fourth has twelve, fifth has sixteen, sixth has two, and finally the seventh is the lotus of a thousand petals. Inside each lotus, the Sanskrit name is written.

The chakras can be viewed as more concrete or physical in the first three chakras and then moving into abstraction and the spiritual realm the upper four chakras. The lower chakras allow the body to stay grounded and connected to the Earth, enabling the upper chakras to explore more philosophical or spiritual concepts. Again, there is a balancing act taking place even within the chakra system.

If interested in more information, wikipedia has good information at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra I would also recommend checking out Anodea Judith’s website: http://www.sacredcenters.com/index.html Another site that has an easy to read chart where you can see all the attributes of each chakra: http://www.whats-your-sign.com/chakra-symbols.html There are so many more…but you can do a google search if interested! Or get in touch with me if you want more recommendations.

There are so many levels and such depth to this subject! But I think I’ve given enough of an overview here. One more piece I will leave you with, though…Anodea Judith has quite a few books and CDs about chakras. In one book, she talks about how as a society we have been moving through the chakra system. We started out as hunters and gatherers who were primarily concerned with survival (root chakra) and there was a strong connection to Mother Earth. We then shifted into the time where humans learned farming and created communities, both focusing on fertility (second, sacral chakra). Then came the age of power (third chakra). The masculine replaced feminine, we stopped relying as heavily on Mother Earth. Militaries were created, men were taught to surrender their individuality in order to become a collective unit, and the masses were ruled by one. We still have much of this war and violence happening, but we’ve also made huge progress in technology, science, and psychology…many of which are associated with the upper chakras.

So we come into the place we are at right now: somewhere in between the third and fourth chakras. In this “in between” space, it may take all of this war and destruction for us to realize that we need to shift into a new way of being in the world. We need to integrate into the fourth chakra, balancing our vast knowledge with our physical bodies and surroundings. We need to start looking at how our actions are affecting the world around us: physically, emotionally, and mentally. We need to start taking care of each other and of the Earth if we want to see ourselves survive. Judith says this is the place where we are shifting from the “love of power to the power of love.” I hope that in my lifetime, I live to see this world pass through the love of power and move into the power of love.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. There’s been a lot going on this past month and although I haven’t written online, I’ve been doing a lot of writing in my journal. April has been a time for spring cleaning, but perhaps not the traditional kind. I signed up to do a cleanse through my nutrition program and the local yoga studio. It started mid April, but I decided to start preparing in the beginning of the month.

The whole idea behind the cleanse is to take items out of your diet, but find healthier alternatives to replace them with. I started by taking meat out of my diet in week one and adding in more bean protein as well as some soy protein. I’m really liking tempeh these days and have found lots of yummy ways to cook it! This week was pretty simple. I don’t need animal protein, so it wasn’t too hard to give up. Although I did have a momentary lapse of forgetting and while on a road trip, I ordered an In-N-Out burger. Half way through eating it, the lightbulb went on…oops!

“I’m not supposed to be eating meat!” I thought.
Eddie teased me, “So did you throw it away or finish it?”
“I had already eaten half, I might as well finish it,” was my reasoning!

The following week, I took out refined sugars and alcohol. I thought this was going to be the tough one. I’m used to having at least a glass of wine with dinner most nights. And although I don’t eat too much refined sugar, I let it slip in once or twice a week. Keeping busy helped with kicking the alcohol. Having plans and meeting friends and exercising kept my mind off drinking. And I made some cookies with all natural sweeteners to curb the sugar cravings. I did feel extra hungry this week, however. I ate bigger portions and thought a lot about food.

But I also kept thinking about what happened at one of my women’s group meetings. The leader said to one of the women, “What I’m about to say might come out sounding harsh, but I’m going to say it to you anyway…Stop playing. It’s time to stop playing.” I really felt those words resonate inside me. It’s time to stop playing with alcohol. I use it to hide behind, to push urges and emotions away. But it’s time for me to stop pretending that I’m not meant to have a great life…that I’m not meant for great things. I AM. And numbing myself out does not serve a purpose for me. It’s time. Now. To stop playing. I rose to the challenge and have felt great for the past two and a half weeks. I've used my extra time to read and research and write and play and build new friendships.

At this point in the cleansing process, “the cleanse group” had our first meeting. Sixty people! We spent three hours together on a Saturday talking about our bodies, our goals, the digestive system, being gentle and listening to ourselves. I left feeling overwhelmed, but ready to go deeper. Dairy was the next item on the list. I love cheese and there are so many different flavors and textures that it’s easy for me to eat it everyday. But dairy also produces extra mucous in the body (I know, it’s just what you wanted to hear about) and with my allergies, that hasn’t be helpful. So goodbye to dairy too!

I felt great this week. I made lots of yummy, simple, light recipes. My body felt lighter and calmer. As I looked back at the past three weeks, I realized it hadn’t been as hard as I thought it was going to be. And I was prepared to go into the next phase…the Master Cleanse (which consists of lemon water, maple syrup, and cayenne). You just drink the concoction all throughout the day…and that’s it!

So I started out on Saturday and it was pretty easy. The drink sustains you so that you don’t feel hungry. It has all the nutrients and minerals your body needs. I made it through day one and was ready to take on day two. On day two, I got up and went for a long walk on the beach with a friend. Getting out and taking up time is the best way to keep the mind off food! But as the afternoon wore on, all I could think about was food. Eddie and I went to run some errands and I realized how much we are bombarded with images of food. It’s everywhere. Billboards for restaurants, walking by actual restaurants (which there are so many of in SF), commercials. It seemed like everywhere I looked, there was something that reminded me of food. Then I started getting crabby. All I could think about was chicken apple sausage and turkey burgers and bean burritos (from Roberto’s) and chicken burritos with the delicious sauce from Fidel’s. I was losing it!

Honestly, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. All I wanted was food, specifically protein. And so that night I made the decision that I would go off the Master Cleanse. Part of doing this cleanse was to get more in touch with my body and listen to its messages. I didn’t want it to be an ego or will power thing…"I must push myself and do the cleanse for all seven days". So I listened and made myself a bowl of quinoa, pinto beans, spinach, and fresh salsa.

And I didn’t beat myself up or feel bad that I didn’t go for longer. Instead I felt proud of myself for doing the Master Cleanse for two days. And I felt proud for listening to my body and being gentle with myself. I still feel great. I’m now doing juices and veggies and fruits, adding some protein into smoothies as well.

Many new discoveries are happening inside during this time also. I’ve never really taken the time to take care of myself the way I have in the past few weeks. I’ve really been thinking about what I want and need and then doing those things for myself. I’ve been getting out with friends and taking lots of baths and meditating. I’ve been keeping an “Inquiry Page” in my journal where I write down questions that come up. And after letting them sit for a while, I see if answers come to me.

One of the questions that came up surrounded my “wanting” (which I talked about in another blog). Different sources revealed themselves around this issue making me think about why I’m feeling unsatisfied. Where was this craving for material things coming from? What part of me was feeling empty and needing to be filled up? Ultimately the question became, What deeper emotional need isn’t being met?

I put the question out there…to the Universe, to my Inner Guide. And I let it sit for a day. Then one night, I got into the bath and put on a meditation CD that had been given to me. I lay in the hot water moving through my mind and my insides, guided by the CD. An hour later, the guide asked me to visualize the blank screen in my mind and watch what popped up. What question was being answered on my inner screen?

First I saw the word love. Then above that came the word self. Finally pure appeared at the top. Pure Self Love. I have never given this to myself. In fact, for most of my life I’ve been extremely harsh and hard on myself. But I am starting to soften and open up to loving myself. And I am seeing myself transform as I am learning to really love and take care of myself.

I should also mention here that I got married to myself over the weekend!!:-) I am reading a book called "Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings". The author was in town and performing a ceremony where you could marry yourself. It was at the beautiful Grace Cathedral. I went and it was a humorous and yet important moment. He had us blowing kisses to ourselves and repeating after him (sometimes singing, other times shouting) that we would be our own husband and our own wife, that we would not look to anyone else to fill us up or make us complete but instead would do those things for ourselves, and holding our own hand and promising to love ourselves fully. So it's official now, I'm married...to me!

By cutting down on food and shifting the focus inside, many ideas and emotions and layers have surfaced. I am enjoying being in this process, seeing what comes up, where I can release, and how I can connect to myself more deeply. In doing all of these things, I am setting the stage for an abundant life. Like I said before, I am meant for great things and to have a beautiful life. I am beginning to build that life now!

I have been saying that I am on a spiritual journey. I get questions from people asking what that means. What do I believe? Where is this journey taking me?

I am not religious, which is why I choose the word spiritual instead. I do not believe that I have to choose one religion and follow all of its rules…or else. I enjoy learning about or experiencing parts of different religions and taking the pieces that resonate within me to keep as part of my spiritual practice. So what does it look like?

I go to yoga classes where often the teacher shares wisdom that is in line with my belief system. The idea that we are each whole and perfect just as we are, that we are exactly where we are meant to be in this moment, breathing through emotions and feelings, nonviolence toward ourselves and others, that a shift in one person’s energy can ripple out into the world causing change.

I have been to a Buddhist meditation and dharma talk where the ideas of mindfulness, going inward, letting go, and being present touch a place in me.

I am getting a tattoo of the chakras, which are energy systems running along the spine, each one associated with particular emotions, body organs, and human needs. I believe that it is important to nurture the needs and emotions of each chakra in order to keep the body balanced.

I have had energy work done with a healer who helped me to visualize events and people and create a place for healing to occur around these situations. I work with an acupuncturist who is trained in traditional Chinese medicine, which focuses on a holistic and natural approach to health, rather than treating just the symptom. I believe in energetic healing and digging deeper into a person’s emotional and mental health in order to understand physical manifestations of sickness.

I created an altar at my house that holds a mini Buddha statue, a rose quartz stone (which opens the heart chakra), candles, a chakra pendulum, and a God box (which I never thought I’d be saying-I have such a hard time with the G word…but it’s a place where I put pieces of paper with prayers on them…giving them up to the Spirit or God or Buddha or Universal Life Force or whatever you want to call it). I love this little sanctuary and I add and remove items as I feel necessary.

Lately I have been feeling a strong draw toward the Hindu god Ganesha. He is the god who can create or remove obstacles in one’s life. He is also seen as the god of beginnings, so anytime a person is starting something new or getting something new, s/he offers a prayer to Ganesha. It is said that Ganesha brings success and prosperity wherever he is. I am looking for a small statue to place on my altar and offer particular prayers to Ganesha relating to obstacles in my life.

Books are also part of my spirituality. I love reading and gain many ideas, insights, and beliefs from books. Some recent titles that I identify with are: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, The Red Book by Sera Beak, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig, In the Meantime by Ayanla Vanzant, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Sera Beak really gave me permission to follow this playful search for spirituality. Her book opens endless possibilities for ways to connect with the Spirit. She also talks about the Spirit or God having a sense of humor. The idea of God always felt like an authoritative figure looking down at me, keeping tabs on my good and bad deeds. She reframes this view and helped me to expand my own beliefs about the Spirit.

One last part of my spirituality is prayer and meditation. Elizabeth Gilbert distinguishes between the two by saying that prayer is talking or asking for what you want, while in meditation, you get quiet and listen. I find myself praying throughout the day, any time and anywhere: on the bus on the way to work, when I’m running at the gym, while cooking dinner. Mediation happens at least once a day for me and is certainly the more challenging piece for me. (It’s easy to talk, talk, talk, but to get quiet and listen takes more effort). I am feeling more at peace with meditation though and like anything, the more I practice, the more I make it routine, the easier it is to do.

I offer this to those of you wondering what my spiritual journey looks like. It is a discovery process right now, a place where I play and feed my creativity. I find certain ideas and beliefs work for me, while others don’t. I am taking the ones that do and finding ways to integrate them into my life. I am having conversations with the Spirit. I feel energized and alive. And that makes me believe that I am following the right path for me in this moment.

I want a few more decorations for the walls in my room. I want to go to Thailand this year. I want a new shelving unit for my kitchen. I want a tattoo. I want more books (because I don’t have enough already spilling over my bookshelves). I want a coffee table. I want, I want, I want.

I find myself constantly thinking about all the things I want, all the house decorations or clothes or trips I want to take. And every week, I’m reviewing my budget…never having enough to pay for all of the things I want. And the bottom line is, once I get all of those things that are on my list of “wants” now, there will be a new list in progress. It never ends.

Where can I find a place of acceptance and peace with where I am at and what I have RIGHT NOW? Why am I always trying to have more and more…and then left feeling frustrated because I can’t afford all of the things I want? And what about all of the things I already have?

I am struggling with being content and satisfied (and GRATEFUL) right now, right where I’m at in this moment. I have consolidated my debt and am finally (for the first time in years) living within my means. No extra spending on credit cards, nothing more than what I can afford. I am very happy about this because it feels good to know that when I purchase something, I am doing so with money I’ve made (not money I will be making in the future). And I’m spending my money in alignment with my values, meaning I’m choosing to spend my money on activities and things that support and nourish me (yoga, nutrition courses, books, acupuncture). It feels good to be in control of my finances. But control of the mind, there’s where I need to do some work.

In my prayers, I ask for abundance in all areas of my life-relationships, money, work, spirituality, health. I notice that the more I focus on all that I do have in these areas, the more that comes to me.

With money, for so long (and often still) I focus on not having enough. I have been experimenting with believing that money will come to me when I need it, that I will always be provided for, that I will always have enough. And I’ve noticed that when I frame my thinking in this way, the money does show up when I really do need it.

But still, I am stuck with wanting a house that is my sacred space (and so needs to be decorated accordingly) and a new office that I still want to add some finishing touches on at work and on and on.

At yoga on Friday, my teacher touched on this subject (as often happens when I am struggling with something, a yoga teacher addresses it in practice-synchronicity). He said something to the effect of “let go of all of your wants, know that everything you want, everything you need is already right here inside yourself.” I know that he’s right. Deep down, I know that.

Yet I still want. I am running in circles on this one. I know that possessions do not make me a better person or define me, yet it’s so hard to not want. I am looking at this as a place to explore within myself that will hopefully open up new understanding and dimensions inside. As a baby step for this week, I started an “I am grateful for…” list and I have to put down at least 10 things each day. I’m already at 7 for today and here’s 8: I am grateful that I have a blog where I can wonder and vent and express myself.

So, no answers or endings today. Just the questions to ponder: How can I let go of wanting? Where in my life can I release wants? Why am I constantly in need of more? Can I find a place where what I have is enough?

Last night I had my final meeting with Alice. It's crazy how quickly a year can go by. When the end of our first 6 months came upon us, I knew I was not ready to stop working with her. I had not met many of the goals that I had set out for myself upon entering the program:

1. finding a new job
2. losing weight
3. creating an exercise routine
4. learning to eat healthier

As I look over this list, I can see that I have met my goals and then some. Driving over to Fruition, my mind focused on all that I had accomplished in the past year. Alice helped me to get very clear about what it was that I wanted in a job. Once I had found the key characteristics that I was looking for, she helped me to put them into positive affirmations. (Instead of saying "I don't want to feel drained at the end of the day" it became "I want a job that engages me and gives me energy"). Then I would ask for these things everyday. The job that I now have is exactly what I asked for: a warm, friendly environment that I look forward to coming to each day, working with people who are helpful and kind, making the amount of money I want, I am in the city (just a 10 minute bus ride from home), and the job provides flexibility. Beyond what I asked for, there is a gym on campus, so I can exercise after work. And they will pay for my education when I decide to get my Master's degree (which I have been thinking about and will hopefully begin next summer). When I said these things out loud last night, Alice and I were giddy with excitement and really in awe of the fact that, even though it took time, I got everything I wanted and more!

My weight is dropping and I am about halfway to my ideal weight. I've been to the acupuncturist (one of my rewards for making it to a certain weight), which was amazing. The difference between this Eastern version of medicine versus Western doctors really struck me. The acupuncturist sat with me for 30-40 minutes talking about my health-any and all conditions from physical to emotional. Usually doctors are in such a hurry that I don't even give them all of my physical symptoms before they've prescribed a bottle of pills and sent me on my way. At the end of this discussion, she came to the conclusion that I had a spleen deficiency and so put the needles along the meridian lines that would move energy blocks to and from this area. While laying on the table with the needles in me, an eye pillow resting over my eyes, and soft beach sounds playing in the background, I had a tranforming meditative experience. For about 20 minutes, I lay there with thoughts gently running through my mind. I wasn't frustrated that my mind wouldn't get quiet. I just watched my thoughts. After that I slipped into a state where I saw colorful visions playing on my mind's screen. A bright, fiery ball of yellow that sizzled downward. Flashes of blue flames. Pieces of a vivid drawing that looked like a tattoo on someone's arm. They would come and go. When it came time to come back into reality, I took the eye pillow off and there was soft, beautiful, blurred white light flowing into the room. The entire event was refreshing.

I am starting to look toward my next weight loss reward: a tattoo of the chakras going up my spine. I have an artist in mind and we are in the process of finding a time to meet. I came up with the idea months ago, but knew that it needed to be a symbol of growth and that I would get it once I felt that something (anything, everything) had shifted in me. I am at that place now. I want to get it done before my birthday in May, since I really feel like this year, my 27th year, has been the year of change. I'll send pictures once it's done!

Needless to say, upon coming to the final session this time around, Alice and I both knew I had come to the end, even though the end is really a new beginning for me.

I do not have the motivation or the inspiration or whatever the word is that I am looking for…to write right now. Which is why I am making myself do this. I am sitting in my very own office at my new job looking out the window at the steady rain that falls, dripping off the branches and leaves that frame my window. I am lucky. So much has gone on and is going on inside…yet I am finding it hard to put words on paper or even formulate thoughts in my mind. I don’t know what I want to write about or what I have to say. And this is why I start here, because this is where I am.

I have nothing else to do right now, so why am I resisting writing? Ah, there it is: resistance. Lately I find that many of the things I resist are exactly the things I need. For example, I had a cooking class a couple weeks ago and didn’t want to go after I got home from work. I knew that once I got there it would give me just the right combination of calmness and energy. But still I did not want to go. My mind started trying to find reasons not to go. The car brakes are squeaking, maybe it’s unsafe to drive. I’m tired; maybe I’m getting sick and should stay home and rest. Even as I drove down the street, forcing myself to go, I tried one last attempt at skipping out. If I wasn’t going to give myself permission to miss class, maybe someone else would. I called Eddie, using the squeaky brake excuse. He didn’t buy into it and so I made my way to cooking class.

I watched myself doing this: creating excuses, actively resisting an activity that I knew would be enjoyable and healing for me. Why am I so unwilling to do the things that are in my best interest? But somehow, I managed to get to where I needed to be and had a wonderful cooking class. There was an openness and understanding and community with all of the women. So many great conversations and realizations took place throughout the night. When I left, again I questioned, Why do I fight coming to cooking classes or going to yoga? Even on nights when I am tired or crabby or hungry (especially on those nights)…making my way to cooking or yoga is the best thing I can do for myself. I always leave feeling energized and supported and balanced.

It’s still a day-by-day process, a struggle to get myself to follow through with activities that fill me up (rather than falling back into old habits that deplete me-laying on the couch staring at the TV with a glass of wine). I’d say I’m at the 50/50 mark right now. Half of the time I choose old patterns that take from me and the other half I spend creating new, healthier habits. And no matter what choice I make, I am aware each time that I have a choice and consciously choose.

Choice is empowering. It gives me ownership and holds me accountable for my life. I like realizing that I have choices (even when I make ones that deplete me) and that I don’t feel like things are just “happening” to me. For many years, I lived in that place of being a victim. Everything happened to me rather than me making choices to create the life I wanted.

But back to resistance-I know that whatever I am resisting is exactly what I need to explore. I know those places of resistance are a guide, leading me down paths where I can learn something about myself. Generally, the resistance comes from a place of uneasiness or unknowing and it makes me open myself up a little bit deeper and stretch my limits further. Often I don’t want to do that. I want to stay in my comfort zone. Yet once I step out and release myself from constricted boundaries, amazing discoveries await me on the other side. And I am learning to let a fear and uneasiness into my comfort zone, accepting them as coaches that push me to the next level of understanding in my journey.

I've been thinking a lot about the healing process lately. In large part because I am really starting to see the healing that is taking place within myself. For most of my life, I felt young. No matter what age I was, I always felt younger. As a kid and even through high school, I would see adults and picture what life at 21 or 25 or 30 would be like. But when I reached 21, I didn't feel like how I thought I would at that age. Especially after graduating college and getting a job. When I turned 25 and was teaching and living in San Francisco, I looked at my life and inside I felt like I was still such a child. I hadn't really grown up. I wondered if I would always feel this way. If throughout the rest of my life, I would find myself at an age and be disappointed that I hadn't grown into that age yet.

Well, here I am at 27 and I no longer feel like the late bloomer. In fact, within the span of about ten to twelve months, I feel like I've surpassed my age. And I feel comfortable in my body and with myself about who I am and where I'm at in my life at 27. The ways that I have been stretched to my limits and beyond in the past year have given me the ability to finally feel comfortable and content with who I am.

I should mention here that I received a fabulous job offer this week, which I accepted (with extreme gratitude). Earlier in my writing, I talked about feeling like I was suspended in midair-I had taken this leap into the unknown, had left the familiar, but could not yet see where I would be landing. Now, I have landed. And I am so grateful to be where I am at in my life right now. I know that the past seven months of uncertainty were given to me for a reason and that I needed that time to work on myself and make changes in my life. However, I am savoring this moment that I can release deeply into. "Ahhhhh," I exhale my sigh of relief. It is over. I have made it through. Thank you, Spirit, thank you.

My sister, Tiff, emailed me saying, "Isn't it crazy that this is what has been planned for you all along?" It reminded me of a book I love (read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, it is amazing). In it, she talks about a Sufi poem and says, "God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen." That is exactly how I feel right now.

Everyone needs sacred space, an area where you feel free to simply be. A place you can visit anytime to soothe your mind. A place where imperfections and hopes and sadness can all swim together. Creating this space can often be hard. When there isn’t a physical location, where then do you find the space? For me, I’ve created a healing place in my mind first, before I was lucky enough to find physical places of sacred space.

Back in college, I went on an amazing, life-changing adventure backpacking through Hawaii. On this trip, I challenged myself physically, mentally, and emotionally in ways that I had never done before. The end result was the transformation of myself, from a sad, depressed, confused girl to a young woman with some perspective and a more optimistic outlook on life. After I returned from this trip, I would find that in difficult times, in order to ground myself, I would take myself back to a specific hike and the accomplishment I felt taking each step up the mountain or often times, to a small pool of water with a grand waterfall that stretched beyond my view upward, cascading down over my head. Putting myself back in these moments somehow calmed me. Hawaii was my sacred space. If ever I couldn’t fall asleep at night, I would imagine one of the waterfalls that I swam under. I would transport myself back to that time, in that sacred space, and within minutes I would be asleep.

These sacred spaces, then, do not need to be physical, but can be memories of a time and place that we hold onto in our minds. They can be places we carve out within ourselves that we can go to when we have nowhere else to turn.

More recently in my life, I have been blessed with an extra bedroom in my apartment. I have turned this room into my own sacred space. This is the room I am in right now, as I type. I have two desks in here to hold all of the tools I need for my creative projects: my computer for writing, books, a drawing pad, lots of markers and pens, CDs, piles of colorful paper, journals. There is a bulletin board hanging next to me with bits of inspiration: a card from my sister, one from my mom. I have put up scraps of paper where I have written quotes or things I want to remind myself of each day. I also have up my rewards for meeting certain benchmarks with my weight (soon I’ll be going to an acupuncturist). I have a feng shui map that I created of my apartment with magazine clippings collaged around it. Then there is my “shrine” I created back when I was working through The Artist’s Way. A small table with candles, a butterfly box where I put the names of people I am thinking of and praying for, a little Buddha that one of my students once gave me, and a pendulum. I created a sign that I posted behind the shrine, which reads, “WHAT DO I WANT?” This is where I do yoga each day and what I sit before when I pray or meditate. I am constantly grateful that I have this physical room to come to whenever I need it.

And another physical space that has become sacred for me: Alice’s office. Alice is my holistic health counselor. Whenever I walk into her office, I am immediately transparent. I may have been holding back tears all day and as soon as I walk in and she asks how I am, they spill forth. There is no room to hide here. I can say or do anything and know that it is okay. It is a completely safe place for me. Often I do not allow myself to feel certain feelings or I try to push thoughts out of my mind because I don’t consider them “good” or “right”. But in this place, there is no judgment. I have found that lately, when I cannot fall asleep, Hawaii is no longer working to clear my mind and put me to sleep. Perhaps I have outgrown that space and no longer need it. I am finding that I need a new place to go to and that putting myself in Alice’s office has worked to create that feeling of calm and peace within me.

Finding sacred space is necessary for healing and creation and everything in between. Being able to have places of peace and calm that can be called your own makes such a difference. I am thankful for the sacred spaces that have put me to sleep, helped me to heal, and the ones that continue to hold me as I make my way through life.

I close my eyes, ready to meditate. My prayer begins, that is how I start out my meditation time. Today I am asking for calm to wash over me, to stay with me so that I don’t lose it again. (Two days ago, I spent most of the day crying-in my bed, in the shower, at the computer. Basically, wherever I went to try to get away from the tears, they followed). I ask for space to be opened up within me and around me, so I have room to breathe. I remind myself that I am not a job and I am not money. These things do not define who I am. And because I have neither right now, that does not mean that I need to freak out, beat myself up, or get lost in a downward spiral of sadness and fear. Then I ask my mind to get quiet and I repeat my mantra, “I am here, now, in the present.” For some reason, today my mind feels still. A few thoughts pop up now and then, but I ask them to quietly go and bring my mind back into focus. Twelve minutes pass, my timer beeps, and I am surprised to find myself turning off the timer and going back into my meditation.

When I started meditating, I found it very hard to sit still and try to quiet my thoughts. There were so many of them, fighting to be heard. I didn’t know how to silence them and I would end up getting mad at myself for having so many thoughts. So I decided, I would just use meditation as a time of prayer, thanking the Spirit for the gifts in my life, asking for love or sending love to others. But I knew prayer was not really meditation. Then I got some books on meditation and tried some of their ideas, like staring at a flame or at a particular spot in front of me. That was too hard for me. I would get bored or look around the room. I knew I needed to have my eyes closed, it helped me to go inward. At some point along the way, repeating a mantra came into my meditation time. Picking a string of words, a phrase, or a sentence and just repeating it.

As I began to take time each morning to meditate, I started out giving myself five minutes. Even with that small of an amount of time, I would find myself peeking at the clock, checking if the time had passed. So I decided to use a timer, that way I wouldn’t have to check if my time was up, it would beep and I would know. Originally, even the use of a timer was reason to pick on myself. “Real people who meditate, true meditators, wouldn’t use a timer.” But I am learning and if a timer works for me for now, then let it be. I have to give myself credit for even spending two minutes a day meditating. A year ago, I didn’t take that time for myself.

I am realizing that I have come a long way in this past year. I still have a long way to go, as well, but it’s nice to know that I have made progress. Just taking the time each day, even if my mind resists and the thoughts run wild (which they still do quite often), taking time out every day, I am building up strength and persistence. And the days when I am able to get a clear and quiet mind lead to such inner happiness. I can feel the difference on those days. And I feel that in time I will be led to more fully understand the Spirit and the workings of this world, as well as my place within it. So for now, I just show up because that is what I can do at this time: show up and try to get quiet, allowing myself the space to listen and connect within.

Because truly, what meditation means to me is connecting with the Spirit that lives within me. I believe we are each born with the Spirit inside of us and when we meditate, we connect with and are able to listen to that inner guide who is our perfect self.