I do not have the motivation or the inspiration or whatever the word is that I am looking for…to write right now. Which is why I am making myself do this. I am sitting in my very own office at my new job looking out the window at the steady rain that falls, dripping off the branches and leaves that frame my window. I am lucky. So much has gone on and is going on inside…yet I am finding it hard to put words on paper or even formulate thoughts in my mind. I don’t know what I want to write about or what I have to say. And this is why I start here, because this is where I am.

I have nothing else to do right now, so why am I resisting writing? Ah, there it is: resistance. Lately I find that many of the things I resist are exactly the things I need. For example, I had a cooking class a couple weeks ago and didn’t want to go after I got home from work. I knew that once I got there it would give me just the right combination of calmness and energy. But still I did not want to go. My mind started trying to find reasons not to go. The car brakes are squeaking, maybe it’s unsafe to drive. I’m tired; maybe I’m getting sick and should stay home and rest. Even as I drove down the street, forcing myself to go, I tried one last attempt at skipping out. If I wasn’t going to give myself permission to miss class, maybe someone else would. I called Eddie, using the squeaky brake excuse. He didn’t buy into it and so I made my way to cooking class.

I watched myself doing this: creating excuses, actively resisting an activity that I knew would be enjoyable and healing for me. Why am I so unwilling to do the things that are in my best interest? But somehow, I managed to get to where I needed to be and had a wonderful cooking class. There was an openness and understanding and community with all of the women. So many great conversations and realizations took place throughout the night. When I left, again I questioned, Why do I fight coming to cooking classes or going to yoga? Even on nights when I am tired or crabby or hungry (especially on those nights)…making my way to cooking or yoga is the best thing I can do for myself. I always leave feeling energized and supported and balanced.

It’s still a day-by-day process, a struggle to get myself to follow through with activities that fill me up (rather than falling back into old habits that deplete me-laying on the couch staring at the TV with a glass of wine). I’d say I’m at the 50/50 mark right now. Half of the time I choose old patterns that take from me and the other half I spend creating new, healthier habits. And no matter what choice I make, I am aware each time that I have a choice and consciously choose.

Choice is empowering. It gives me ownership and holds me accountable for my life. I like realizing that I have choices (even when I make ones that deplete me) and that I don’t feel like things are just “happening” to me. For many years, I lived in that place of being a victim. Everything happened to me rather than me making choices to create the life I wanted.

But back to resistance-I know that whatever I am resisting is exactly what I need to explore. I know those places of resistance are a guide, leading me down paths where I can learn something about myself. Generally, the resistance comes from a place of uneasiness or unknowing and it makes me open myself up a little bit deeper and stretch my limits further. Often I don’t want to do that. I want to stay in my comfort zone. Yet once I step out and release myself from constricted boundaries, amazing discoveries await me on the other side. And I am learning to let a fear and uneasiness into my comfort zone, accepting them as coaches that push me to the next level of understanding in my journey.