It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. There’s been a lot going on this past month and although I haven’t written online, I’ve been doing a lot of writing in my journal. April has been a time for spring cleaning, but perhaps not the traditional kind. I signed up to do a cleanse through my nutrition program and the local yoga studio. It started mid April, but I decided to start preparing in the beginning of the month.

The whole idea behind the cleanse is to take items out of your diet, but find healthier alternatives to replace them with. I started by taking meat out of my diet in week one and adding in more bean protein as well as some soy protein. I’m really liking tempeh these days and have found lots of yummy ways to cook it! This week was pretty simple. I don’t need animal protein, so it wasn’t too hard to give up. Although I did have a momentary lapse of forgetting and while on a road trip, I ordered an In-N-Out burger. Half way through eating it, the lightbulb went on…oops!

“I’m not supposed to be eating meat!” I thought.
Eddie teased me, “So did you throw it away or finish it?”
“I had already eaten half, I might as well finish it,” was my reasoning!

The following week, I took out refined sugars and alcohol. I thought this was going to be the tough one. I’m used to having at least a glass of wine with dinner most nights. And although I don’t eat too much refined sugar, I let it slip in once or twice a week. Keeping busy helped with kicking the alcohol. Having plans and meeting friends and exercising kept my mind off drinking. And I made some cookies with all natural sweeteners to curb the sugar cravings. I did feel extra hungry this week, however. I ate bigger portions and thought a lot about food.

But I also kept thinking about what happened at one of my women’s group meetings. The leader said to one of the women, “What I’m about to say might come out sounding harsh, but I’m going to say it to you anyway…Stop playing. It’s time to stop playing.” I really felt those words resonate inside me. It’s time to stop playing with alcohol. I use it to hide behind, to push urges and emotions away. But it’s time for me to stop pretending that I’m not meant to have a great life…that I’m not meant for great things. I AM. And numbing myself out does not serve a purpose for me. It’s time. Now. To stop playing. I rose to the challenge and have felt great for the past two and a half weeks. I've used my extra time to read and research and write and play and build new friendships.

At this point in the cleansing process, “the cleanse group” had our first meeting. Sixty people! We spent three hours together on a Saturday talking about our bodies, our goals, the digestive system, being gentle and listening to ourselves. I left feeling overwhelmed, but ready to go deeper. Dairy was the next item on the list. I love cheese and there are so many different flavors and textures that it’s easy for me to eat it everyday. But dairy also produces extra mucous in the body (I know, it’s just what you wanted to hear about) and with my allergies, that hasn’t be helpful. So goodbye to dairy too!

I felt great this week. I made lots of yummy, simple, light recipes. My body felt lighter and calmer. As I looked back at the past three weeks, I realized it hadn’t been as hard as I thought it was going to be. And I was prepared to go into the next phase…the Master Cleanse (which consists of lemon water, maple syrup, and cayenne). You just drink the concoction all throughout the day…and that’s it!

So I started out on Saturday and it was pretty easy. The drink sustains you so that you don’t feel hungry. It has all the nutrients and minerals your body needs. I made it through day one and was ready to take on day two. On day two, I got up and went for a long walk on the beach with a friend. Getting out and taking up time is the best way to keep the mind off food! But as the afternoon wore on, all I could think about was food. Eddie and I went to run some errands and I realized how much we are bombarded with images of food. It’s everywhere. Billboards for restaurants, walking by actual restaurants (which there are so many of in SF), commercials. It seemed like everywhere I looked, there was something that reminded me of food. Then I started getting crabby. All I could think about was chicken apple sausage and turkey burgers and bean burritos (from Roberto’s) and chicken burritos with the delicious sauce from Fidel’s. I was losing it!

Honestly, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. All I wanted was food, specifically protein. And so that night I made the decision that I would go off the Master Cleanse. Part of doing this cleanse was to get more in touch with my body and listen to its messages. I didn’t want it to be an ego or will power thing…"I must push myself and do the cleanse for all seven days". So I listened and made myself a bowl of quinoa, pinto beans, spinach, and fresh salsa.

And I didn’t beat myself up or feel bad that I didn’t go for longer. Instead I felt proud of myself for doing the Master Cleanse for two days. And I felt proud for listening to my body and being gentle with myself. I still feel great. I’m now doing juices and veggies and fruits, adding some protein into smoothies as well.

Many new discoveries are happening inside during this time also. I’ve never really taken the time to take care of myself the way I have in the past few weeks. I’ve really been thinking about what I want and need and then doing those things for myself. I’ve been getting out with friends and taking lots of baths and meditating. I’ve been keeping an “Inquiry Page” in my journal where I write down questions that come up. And after letting them sit for a while, I see if answers come to me.

One of the questions that came up surrounded my “wanting” (which I talked about in another blog). Different sources revealed themselves around this issue making me think about why I’m feeling unsatisfied. Where was this craving for material things coming from? What part of me was feeling empty and needing to be filled up? Ultimately the question became, What deeper emotional need isn’t being met?

I put the question out there…to the Universe, to my Inner Guide. And I let it sit for a day. Then one night, I got into the bath and put on a meditation CD that had been given to me. I lay in the hot water moving through my mind and my insides, guided by the CD. An hour later, the guide asked me to visualize the blank screen in my mind and watch what popped up. What question was being answered on my inner screen?

First I saw the word love. Then above that came the word self. Finally pure appeared at the top. Pure Self Love. I have never given this to myself. In fact, for most of my life I’ve been extremely harsh and hard on myself. But I am starting to soften and open up to loving myself. And I am seeing myself transform as I am learning to really love and take care of myself.

I should also mention here that I got married to myself over the weekend!!:-) I am reading a book called "Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings". The author was in town and performing a ceremony where you could marry yourself. It was at the beautiful Grace Cathedral. I went and it was a humorous and yet important moment. He had us blowing kisses to ourselves and repeating after him (sometimes singing, other times shouting) that we would be our own husband and our own wife, that we would not look to anyone else to fill us up or make us complete but instead would do those things for ourselves, and holding our own hand and promising to love ourselves fully. So it's official now, I'm married...to me!

By cutting down on food and shifting the focus inside, many ideas and emotions and layers have surfaced. I am enjoying being in this process, seeing what comes up, where I can release, and how I can connect to myself more deeply. In doing all of these things, I am setting the stage for an abundant life. Like I said before, I am meant for great things and to have a beautiful life. I am beginning to build that life now!