I want a few more decorations for the walls in my room. I want to go to Thailand this year. I want a new shelving unit for my kitchen. I want a tattoo. I want more books (because I don’t have enough already spilling over my bookshelves). I want a coffee table. I want, I want, I want.

I find myself constantly thinking about all the things I want, all the house decorations or clothes or trips I want to take. And every week, I’m reviewing my budget…never having enough to pay for all of the things I want. And the bottom line is, once I get all of those things that are on my list of “wants” now, there will be a new list in progress. It never ends.

Where can I find a place of acceptance and peace with where I am at and what I have RIGHT NOW? Why am I always trying to have more and more…and then left feeling frustrated because I can’t afford all of the things I want? And what about all of the things I already have?

I am struggling with being content and satisfied (and GRATEFUL) right now, right where I’m at in this moment. I have consolidated my debt and am finally (for the first time in years) living within my means. No extra spending on credit cards, nothing more than what I can afford. I am very happy about this because it feels good to know that when I purchase something, I am doing so with money I’ve made (not money I will be making in the future). And I’m spending my money in alignment with my values, meaning I’m choosing to spend my money on activities and things that support and nourish me (yoga, nutrition courses, books, acupuncture). It feels good to be in control of my finances. But control of the mind, there’s where I need to do some work.

In my prayers, I ask for abundance in all areas of my life-relationships, money, work, spirituality, health. I notice that the more I focus on all that I do have in these areas, the more that comes to me.

With money, for so long (and often still) I focus on not having enough. I have been experimenting with believing that money will come to me when I need it, that I will always be provided for, that I will always have enough. And I’ve noticed that when I frame my thinking in this way, the money does show up when I really do need it.

But still, I am stuck with wanting a house that is my sacred space (and so needs to be decorated accordingly) and a new office that I still want to add some finishing touches on at work and on and on.

At yoga on Friday, my teacher touched on this subject (as often happens when I am struggling with something, a yoga teacher addresses it in practice-synchronicity). He said something to the effect of “let go of all of your wants, know that everything you want, everything you need is already right here inside yourself.” I know that he’s right. Deep down, I know that.

Yet I still want. I am running in circles on this one. I know that possessions do not make me a better person or define me, yet it’s so hard to not want. I am looking at this as a place to explore within myself that will hopefully open up new understanding and dimensions inside. As a baby step for this week, I started an “I am grateful for…” list and I have to put down at least 10 things each day. I’m already at 7 for today and here’s 8: I am grateful that I have a blog where I can wonder and vent and express myself.

So, no answers or endings today. Just the questions to ponder: How can I let go of wanting? Where in my life can I release wants? Why am I constantly in need of more? Can I find a place where what I have is enough?