I close my eyes, ready to meditate. My prayer begins, that is how I start out my meditation time. Today I am asking for calm to wash over me, to stay with me so that I don’t lose it again. (Two days ago, I spent most of the day crying-in my bed, in the shower, at the computer. Basically, wherever I went to try to get away from the tears, they followed). I ask for space to be opened up within me and around me, so I have room to breathe. I remind myself that I am not a job and I am not money. These things do not define who I am. And because I have neither right now, that does not mean that I need to freak out, beat myself up, or get lost in a downward spiral of sadness and fear. Then I ask my mind to get quiet and I repeat my mantra, “I am here, now, in the present.” For some reason, today my mind feels still. A few thoughts pop up now and then, but I ask them to quietly go and bring my mind back into focus. Twelve minutes pass, my timer beeps, and I am surprised to find myself turning off the timer and going back into my meditation.

When I started meditating, I found it very hard to sit still and try to quiet my thoughts. There were so many of them, fighting to be heard. I didn’t know how to silence them and I would end up getting mad at myself for having so many thoughts. So I decided, I would just use meditation as a time of prayer, thanking the Spirit for the gifts in my life, asking for love or sending love to others. But I knew prayer was not really meditation. Then I got some books on meditation and tried some of their ideas, like staring at a flame or at a particular spot in front of me. That was too hard for me. I would get bored or look around the room. I knew I needed to have my eyes closed, it helped me to go inward. At some point along the way, repeating a mantra came into my meditation time. Picking a string of words, a phrase, or a sentence and just repeating it.

As I began to take time each morning to meditate, I started out giving myself five minutes. Even with that small of an amount of time, I would find myself peeking at the clock, checking if the time had passed. So I decided to use a timer, that way I wouldn’t have to check if my time was up, it would beep and I would know. Originally, even the use of a timer was reason to pick on myself. “Real people who meditate, true meditators, wouldn’t use a timer.” But I am learning and if a timer works for me for now, then let it be. I have to give myself credit for even spending two minutes a day meditating. A year ago, I didn’t take that time for myself.

I am realizing that I have come a long way in this past year. I still have a long way to go, as well, but it’s nice to know that I have made progress. Just taking the time each day, even if my mind resists and the thoughts run wild (which they still do quite often), taking time out every day, I am building up strength and persistence. And the days when I am able to get a clear and quiet mind lead to such inner happiness. I can feel the difference on those days. And I feel that in time I will be led to more fully understand the Spirit and the workings of this world, as well as my place within it. So for now, I just show up because that is what I can do at this time: show up and try to get quiet, allowing myself the space to listen and connect within.

Because truly, what meditation means to me is connecting with the Spirit that lives within me. I believe we are each born with the Spirit inside of us and when we meditate, we connect with and are able to listen to that inner guide who is our perfect self.