I find myself entering a new phase of my journey. For the past couple of years, I spent my time figuring out who I am and what I want in my life. I also spent a lot of time developing my spirituality...determining what I wanted it to look like. I delved into studies of goddesses and reading about the path that other women have taken to find the divine in their lives. I meditated in many ways and forms. I have kept what works for me and let the rest go. I feel strong in my spiritual life, grounded despite the twists and turns of the journey.

And now, I am shifting into new territory. No longer needing to define and accept who I am, I see myself moving into a place of healing. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I realize that I need to heal pieces of my past, as well as patterns that persist into the present. I found an amazing doctor at a Health and Healing Clinic who practices holistic medicine. He is an MD as well as an acupuncturist. Through our visits, we have found that I have a low functioning thyroid and we are now working together to find the best way to provide the hormones and chemicals that my body needs in order to feel energized. We are looking at acupuncture, yoga, stress reduction techniques, visualization, affirmations, and on and on the list goes. Although the progress is slower than a traditional "take this pill and feel better" approach, I am enjoying the process and learning as I go.

I don't know how or why or when this shift began. But this week, it has been confirmed in many ways that I have moved into a new place. The director that I work with as a spiritual care volunteer said to me, "I can just tell that there are changes happening for you right now. Big shifts that I wish you the best with." And this was without me mentioning anything.

I am excited for this next phase. I feel up to the challenge of healing. And I think that many good things will come from the process. Of course I have no idea what is to come, but I feel positive energy flowing within and around me. Armed with a stronger sense of self and working toward living in a peaceful state, I surrender to this next part of this process.

I'm cleansing this month. I'm taking a couple supplements that are supposed to be pulling toxins out of my organs and then moving them out of my system. I started on Saturday and so far, so good.

I started out with the idea of doing this in order to clean up my diet a little bit and clean out my system, but already the cleanse has taken on a new dimension. It's become more about listening to my body and taking time for myself. I had made a list of activities or things I could do while on the cleanse (bubble baths, books to read, farmer's market, etc). I put the goal of watching less TV on my list, as well as trying to meditate daily.

I'm not eating meat or refined sugar (and for the most part will not be drinking either). Already, my body feels lighter and less bloated. Last night, as I was coming home from the gym, I started thinking about what I wanted for dinner. Normally, I create a menu each week and have ingredients on hand to make the dinners I've preplanned. But for now, I've just bought a lot of veggies and have beans and grains and a few dairy products on hand. So I can create whatever I want to have for dinner. Anyway, on my way home, I decided I just wanted a light broth with some veggies and udon noodles for dinner. Then I cooked up a couple slices of polenta and put some goat cheese on top. It was the perfect meal...just what my body wanted.

I realized how often I let my regimented, structured thinking sort of take control. Beef stew is on the menu for tonight...so beef stew it is. Even if I don't want that. I often ignore what my body is telling me it wants, simply because I've already written a dinner idea on a piece of paper. It seems so silly when I think about it now.

It happens in other areas of my life too. Someone invites me over for dinner or a friend asks if I want to get together over the weekend. I just say yes simply because I have no other plans. Even if it's not something I really want to do. So I'm working on saying no. I've already had to say no quite a few invitations. It feels liberating to make that choice based on what I want.

I guess it's interesting to me that I'm just now starting to think, "Do I really want to do this?" I have a choice. I don't have to agree to do whatever everyone else wants me to do.

And in saying no, I'm opening up windows of time where I get to decide how I want to spend the few hours I have to myself. Last night I took a long bath, meditated, and went to bed at 9. Over the weekend, I spent 3 hours working on my feng shui coursework.

I've started keeping a journal of my daily schedule, as well as bodily and emotional feelings, making sure that I stay conscious of the process.

I went to a meditation group on Tuesday evening. It was led by my friend, Alice. She's been trained in the practice called Mind Sound Technology.

Basically, the meditation consists of chanting sounds out loud while focusing on a certain part of the body (the right or left eye, the third eye, the navel, the heart, or the mouth). There are four sequences that you do. The first sequence is supposed to help with intelligence and energy, the second helps with knowledge and doing well at work or school, the third sequence helps with non-violence and peaceful behavior, and the fourth helps with courage and eliminating fear.

I walked into the room, not having any idea what to expect. I didn't know what kind of meditation it would be. The room had a dark feeling. The walls were made of cement and it had a sort of institutional feel. I sat in a chair across the circle from Alice. We got started and went into the first sequence of the meditation. As I slowly opened my eyes when it was done, the energy in the room had completely changed and I could feel and see it. The room seemed brighter and more spacious. It was very calm and peaceful.

We went through the three other sequences. I really enjoy chanting sounds out loud. And when you're with a group of people, the sounds all come together and create wonderful vibrations. During the third sequence, I could feel the energy of our combined voices pushing against one another, each voice adding its own strength, creating a ball of energy in the middle of our circle. During the fourth sequence, it was like each of our voices danced around each other, stepping aside to sure each voice had its own space.

People shared their stories of how long they had been doing the meditations and the sorts of effects they had noticed in their lives. It was very interesting. These meditations are starting to be used with children in schools and researchers are documenting the effects that the meditations are having.

I've been practicing the meditation each night since Tuedsay, on my own, and already I can say that there are some shifts. I do notice myself taking more risks than I might normally (compliments of the fourth sequence). For example, yesterday I received an email from the founder of the 29 Day Giving Challenge. She had sent out a plea for help because the challenge is really beginning to take off and she has more work than she can handle on her own. My first response was that I wanted to offer my help. But I immediately brushed that thought aside. I was afraid to offer my help. What if it took too much of my time? What if I didn't know how to do some of the things that needed to get done? I'm not sure I want to interact with people...that means putting myself out there. I clicked the archive button and moved on with my day.

An hour later, I retrieved the email and sent a response saying that I would be happy to help. I stated which items I thought I'd be best at helping with. I told her how many hours I'd be able to put into it each week. And I offered the idea of breaking up some of the responsibilities among a few people (the original email had said she needed one person). So I offered help, but made sure to be clear about what exactly I could give. It felt good. And next week, I'll become part of the Welcoming Committee, where I will have to put myself out there. And I think that even though it's a little scary...it's good for me.

I'll be curious to see what other effects I notice over time as I continue this daily mind sound meditation.

I'm gearing up for a cleanse that I'll be starting this weekend. And it couldn't come at a better time. There's been so much going on this summer with out of town weddings and lots of in town guests. I'm ready to slow down my social life and take some time to refocus my energy. Back to the basics: simple eating, simple pleasures!

In addition to cleaning up my diet (by which I mean taking out refined sugar, meat, yeast, and alcohol) I will be taking some supplements to remove toxins from my body. But the part I'm most excited about is the list of nourishing activities that I've come up with so far. I plan on going to bed by 10 during the week and then waking up a half an hour early to meditate. Less TV watching, more journaling. Bubble baths, face masks, foot soaks, tea time, reading, and shopping at the farmers market are all on the agenda.

After months of working my plans to fit the needs of others, I'm looking forward to a month of my own agenda. I can make dates or weekend trips...if I want. But I am allowing myself to completely indulge in relaxing and rejuvenating, only choosing to do those activities that heal and inspire and nourish me.

How the time flies! I know it’s been too long since I’ve written here. I needed a break, some processing time, even though I didn’t really know it. After not getting in the MFA program, there was a period of flurried motion in my mind. What should I do now? Do I go with another MFA program? Should I get my Marriage Family Therapist license? What about holistic health? Reiki? Feng Shui? Interior Design? Suddenly a flood of options was drowning me. I have a lot of interests, but which one do I want to turn into a career? I filled out applications, called about financial aid, but then found myself paralyzed. I wasn’t ready to make a commitment.

That went on for about two months. Then for some reason, unplanned by me, it all stopped. I let it go. I didn’t think about what my next move should be or what I want to do with my life when I grow up or how behind I am because so many people my age have graduate degrees and are pursuing real grown up careers, while I feel like I’m floundering. It all just stopped.

Maybe because it’s summer time and it seems every weekend is filling up with activities: weddings, concerts, family in town, etc. I’ve been busy living life and enjoying life rather than constantly analyzing it. It’s been a nice change of pace.

Then yesterday, I found myself in a contemplative mood, realizing all of this. Life moves in cycles: sometimes I’m (over) analyzing to a point of driving myself crazy, other times I’m present and enjoying my life, and then there are the times that I need to go inside and explore what I’ve learned while feeling grounded. I’m at that last place right now, ready to do a little review of what’s been going on over the past few months and also do some planning for the coming months.

I do know that I want to go back to school, but I’ve let go of feeling like I need to decide this instant when I will go back and what degree I will pursue. It will come to me. I know it will. In the meantime, I need to meditate, to get clear about what I want from a future career, but also to enjoy and appreciate the present moment, where I am right now. Life is good. I am where I need to be. I will get where I need to go. I need to have faith in the process and trust myself.

I had my first patient visit today. A few months ago I started training to become a Spiritual Care Volunteer at a hospital in the city. After the initial training, I’d gone to meet with the director a couple times and shadow him on visits. Although I was nervous, I made the decision before I went in today that I would go do a visit on my own. I would have to jump in at some point, might as well be today.

The visit went well, all things considered. The patient was happy to have me, “I’m not going anywhere, please sit down. Let’s talk, what do you want to talk about? Religion? You want to tell me about religion?” I think she mistook my title as a Spiritual Care Volunteer to mean that I wanted to sell some religion to her. I redirected and got her talking about herself, her beliefs, and her time in the hospital.

I was sweating and nervous and certainly fumbled. But at the end of our conversation, when I walked out of the room, I felt a rush of energy. I had done it. Even though it made me anxious (and probably will for a while until I become more comfortable with it), I felt good when it was over.

Back in the director’s office, I told him how the visit went. He asked if I’d like to do another. “No, I think one was enough for today,” the words slipped out of my mouth before I even had time to think them through. Normally, I would have said yes, wanting to please the other person and do what I thought he wanted me to do. Instead, before I had time to think about it, I was honest.

“That’s totally fine,” the director said. “And it feels very authentic. Some people jump in and keep going even when they may not be ready. I understand that one was enough. When I was first getting into this, I would visit one patient and then go hide in the bathroom for the rest of my shift. Really. It takes time to get used to the work you’re doing.”

In a society where we are rarely transparent, especially with people we don’t know well, it is refreshing when we can tell the truth. That’s how I know that I want to continue this work. It’s one place where I go for 2-4 hours a week and know that I am having real interactions with people. And I really appreciate the director I am working with. I like that it’s okay to admit fear or nervousness and not be judged. And even beyond that, to have someone say back to me, “Hey, I’ve been there. I’ve been overwhelmed and felt that way too. Thanks for being honest.”

I walked out of the building feeling a deep spaciousness inside and at the same time fulfilled by this brief moment in my day.

Just back from lunchtime yoga. I feel that stillness inside today for the first time in over a week.

Last week I found out that I did not get into the MFA program here that I’ve been working toward and looking forward to for almost a year. It was a competitive program and I knew that going in. Yet I truly believed that one of the reasons I got the job here at USF was so that I could go back to school and get my masters doing something that I love. Ever since I got the job and found out they had a MFA Writing program and that they had tuition remission, I felt deep inside that that was going to be my path.

I had no idea how hard the loss of that dream would hit me. I had prepared for the fact that I might not get in, considering they only select 30 out of 300 applicants. But I wanted to keep my thoughts positive and imagined getting the acceptance letter and going to class after work and taking my laptop to cafes to write on the weekends. Last week, all of that positive energy and hope that I had created and cultivated was sucked out of me. The blow left me deflated, empty, negative, sad, and lost.

For the first couple days, I frantically searched the internet for all other writing programs that I might be able to go to in the area. I found many school and also learned that there are quite a few low residency programs across the country where you can get your masters through distance learning. Despite my hours pouring over the websites, I could not find the right fit. Most of the programs were way too expensive. Plus, part of the reason that I wanted to join the MFA program here was for the community of writers. I wanted to be a part of classes and lectures, discussions and readings.

I began perusing the MFT (marriage family therapist) masters in Counseling Psychology that is offered here as an option. If I’m going to do school right now, I want to take advantage of the tuition remission offered at my job. But do I want to spend three years doing coursework and an additional two years of internships before I can get my license? I don’t know. I’m not sure. And I don’t want to make a five-year commitment if I’m not certain.

All the peacefulness and giving and high frequency energy that I had been pulsating with since I returned from my trip dissipated. My mind started running wild, my allergies flared up, no matter how much rest I got I still felt worn out. At the end of last week, I told myself to slow down, that I didn’t need to make any decisions right away. Still, the deflated, stagnant energy persisted and continues to persist.

I want to snap out of it. I want to find my way back to the high of being in tune with life. I want to move forward. I want to find my center again. But I’m stuck. I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole that I slipped into with the bad news last week. Today’s yoga was a step in the right direction, a move toward coming back to my center. I know I need to give myself time and space, allowing new opportunities to arise.

I wonder why it is so hard to find my way back when I am knocked off the path. Certainly, I am stronger now in the way that I handle the roadblocks life hurls my way. I have more grace. I don’t wallow nearly as long as I used to. But it still throws me off kilter, still spins me in circles until I feel out of sync.

It’s been hard to meditate or pray or write down the things I am grateful for each day. I bet if I did these things it might make it easier to come back to my center. But I feel betrayed. Betrayed by life. And it’s hard to process and let go of that feeling. It’s hard to forgive, to accept, to trust. Trust…again it comes up. I need to trust that I will find the work that fulfills my higher purpose and not lose hope when things don’t work out according to my plans.

In my mind, I know these things, but it’s hard to live from that place of knowing. It’s hard to embody the concept of detachment. Especially when I feel like I’m ready to find work that inspires me and ignites my passion. There are quite a few forms that my life’s work could take and I’m eager to find out which one it will be. For now, I just need to settle down and know that it will happen. My purpose will be revealed to me.

Things I have given: a smile, dinner, time visiting a friend, a thank you note, coffee, an onion, an email to an old friend, helping out in an emergency situation at work, directions, flowers, and wine.

Things I have received: Ani DiFranco ticket, an extra source of income for the next few months, a kind and touching email from my dad, plans to meet with an old friend, bumping into a friend I hadn’t seen in months, a spiritual care volunteer position, help paying my taxes, means to sign up for a beginning reiki class.

I’m on day 7 of the giving challenge and am finding out a few things about giving, and myself.

First of all, I give more often than I realized (as I’m sure many of us do). Each day as I’m thinking about what I want to give, I find that I can come up with at least a couple ways that I gave already, without consciously acknowledging the gifts-asking a co-worker if I can help when I know she’s stressed out, offering a ride to my boyfriend, inviting friends over for dinner. It’s nice to recognize the small things that I do on a regular basis and bring them into my sphere of awareness.

Second, giving opens me up to receiving. I find that as I am giving, I am more receptive to receiving gifts as well. For example, last night, I went to see Ani DiFranco at the Fillmore, which was an amazing experience. Her music moved inside me, one song making me want to burst open, to honestly expose myself to others. With the arrival of the next song, I wanted to curl up under my covers and hide away for a while. Her music touches at the core of emotions that we all feel. I could feel the presence of the crowd, hanging on her every note, mesmerized.

At the end of the night, as I walked up to my apartment, I ran into my neighbor and told her about the show. She said that her partner was a big Ani fan as well and was going to see her do a live interview the following night in the city. This morning, I heard the doorbell ring at 7:30 while I was getting ready for work. I opened the door to find my neighbor, offering me her ticket to see Ani tonight because she couldn’t go. Just like that, a gift appears.

Third, being aware of giving makes me want to give more. I like giving. It’s fun to think up ways to brighten someone else’s day. By doing that, it brightens my day. While visiting a friend in the hospital over the weekend, I saw a sign for becoming a spiritual care volunteer. I emailed the contact and spoke with him today and will begin my training at the end of this month. I’m really looking forward to the gifts that will come from this volunteer position.

Last, giving makes life meaningful and brings purpose to each day. There are times when I find myself grumpily moving through my day, wondering where I’m going and what I’m doing (in that moment, and in my life in general). When I have a focus, a purpose, it makes the day more exciting: when can I give, who will I give to, where am I needed, what else can I do?

I’ve known this, but somehow, or somewhere along the way, I forgot. It’s nice to be reminded of the power of giving. Many thanks to the 29-Day Giving Challenge for helping me to remember.

In the past two days, I received two emails that mentioned the 29-Day Giving Challenge. I went to the site and read about. It sounded like a good idea, but I put in the back of my mind as something I might do later. Then yesterday, as I was waiting on the corner for my bus and looking down the street to see if it was coming, a man stepped into my line of view, trying to get my attention. I looked at him and smiled.

"How are you doing today?" he asked.

"I'm good," I smiled. "How are you?"

"My day's been okay. Thanks for your smile."

And we went our separate ways. Getting on the bus, I knew that my smile had made a difference for this man for some reason. I had given a smile. And I thought back to the 29-Day Giving Challenge. Even though my mind was resistant and wanted to put it off, it seemed my higher self wanted to make it happen anyway. While I was on the bus a young girl and her mom sat across from me. The mom was scolding the girl for not washing her face that morning. She continued reprimanding the child and criticizing her for blocks. I saw the sad eyes and blank stare on the girl's face. I continued watching them and when the girl looked up at me, I gave her a smile too. My heart beamed as I watched a big smile break out across her face. She kept on looking back at me, smiling, until it we reached my stop and it was time for me to get off.

And so I have begun the challenge. I haven't given yet today and don't know what it is that I'll give, but I know that it will be something before the day is over.

Think about signing up: http://givingchallenge.ning.com/

The world could use more giving.

Climbing up Temple V

Temple IV

Glyph of the Maya Calendar

I got up at three this morning for the sunrise Tikal tour. This was one of the reasons that I wanted to come to Guatemala, so I couldn't wait to see the ruins. We got to the ruins a little before five. It was totally dark and we were practically running after our guide, Louis, who insisted we were late. The small beam from my flashlight guided me over rocky, rooty ground. It was about a mile hike in and then we reached the steps leading up to Temple IV. This is the tallest temple (over 700 kilometers high) and was where the king would come to watch the sunrise and set each day. On a clear day, you can see Temples III, II, and I from here. We huffed up the switchback steps and by the time we reached the top, I felt faint and was sweating profusely.

Once I saw the rainforest before me, though, it made the trek worth it! I sat down and looked out over the treetops soaking in a foggy mist. I heard birds chirping and crowing and clicking all at once and crickets singing. Then came the deep, gluttoral howling. The sound was like nothing I'd ever heard before. And other animals answered with more long-winded sounds that resonated throughout the rainforest. The howler monkeys were waking up. As I sat there, atop Temple IV at Tikal, I was able to slip easily into meditation and a profound STILLNESS washed over me.

This is what I had been looking for ever since I arrived in Guatemala. In my moments of crying and writing and yoga and meditation...I was able to release and find peace and calm. Yet somehow it hadn't satisfied me. It wasn't until I sat there this morning that I could pinpoint what I had been struggling for: STILLNESS. I bathed in it, smiled at it, and gave thanks for it!

And so began my day at Tikal (the city of sounds). Louis began the tour by saying, "Welcome to my hands," which I think meant you are in good hands. I should mention here that he has been doing work with Maya ruins for over twenty years. He knows Tikal extremely well, including all of the animal sounds. He would hear a screeching sound or a bird call and immediately know what animal it was and direct us the the tree where we would find the animal. It was great!

We spotted howler monkeys up in the trees. Louis made his own monkey sounds, scaring the monkeys so that we could watch as a group of six of them formed a circle in the treetops, prepared to fend off any danger. Next Louis heard a toucan (whose call sounded like grinding teeth to me), then the hollow knocking of a woodpecker. We saw a gum tree (where chicle comes from) and were introduced to a fruit called cajones de caballos (horse's balls). Supposedly if you eat more than three of the fruit, it has a hallucinogenic effect. Then came the beautiful laughing falcons. The male made a sound like "haaahaaahaaa" and the female answered with "heehaw heehaw heehaw". I couldn't help but laugh with them.

I saw Temples I-V, the game yard, glyphs, masks, an archaeologist site, and spider monkeys. I let go of my fear of heights and climbed to the top of Temple V, where there was a beautiful view of the rainforest with the tops of temples peaking out. The fog burned off and it turned into a beautiful day. This was definitely one of the highlights of the trip!

Los Amigos Hostel in Flores

Bridge into Flores and Lake Peten Itza

Markets on the bus ride to Flores

After my detox session last night, I was feeling pretty good this morning. The shuttle picked me up at 3 in the morning, along with six other passengers and we made our way to Guatemala City. I thought that all of the other people would be going on the same trip I was, but instead we dropped two people at the airport, then another two at this tiny little plane, and the last two on a road by a bus. It was still dark out at five in the morning and I was the last person in the shuttle. Where would he take me? Would I have to wait on the side of the road until six when the bus would leave for Flores? The driver turned a corner and pulled up behind a charter bus. This was my stop. Luckily I was able to get on the bus and wait there (rather than the side of the road). Slowly, light seeped through the darkness, people began boarding the bus and the time came to head out.

Now, in my mind, I figured that the bus would pretty much be a straight shot to Flores. We'd stop in the three or four towns listed on the ticket to pick up and drop off passengers. Not quite the way it worked out! There was the bus driver, along with two men who stood in the doorway of the bus. As we made our way out of the city, we stopped every block it seemed to pick up anyone who made some slight gesture on the street. Sometimes we didn't actually stop but just slowed down and the guys in the doorway would help hoist someone into the bus. Or they would jump off the bus and take baggage that needed to be stored underneath, then they would run along side the bus and hop back on. This went on for a good half hour before we left the city and continued along a quiet, windy road.

Across the aisle from me were a mother and son who had gotten on the bus right after I did. The boy was about ten or eleven and kept looking over at me and smiling. I looked over at him as we whipped around corners and moved into the lane of oncoming traffic to try and pass another car. He had a plastic bag out and was throwing up into it. The poor thing was sick for the next three hours and continued to throw up until they reached their stop and got off.

Once we got through the first two hours, we came upon a small town. The bus stopped to let people off and on came a woman with homemade tamales and fried chicken with tortillas. They walked down the aisle, selling food as the bus continued on its way. A few miles down the road, when all bellies were satisfied, the bus pulled over and the woman got off. This is how the trip continued for the next six hours. We drove through dense jungle areas, passing concrete homes without doors or wooden shacks with a clothesline running through the trees. If someone needed to get off the bus, they let the doorkeepers know and we pulled over to let them off. If someone was on the side of the road and waved us down, we stopped to pick them up. The bus driver was smiling and honking and waving as we forged ahead. People were talking and laughing, getting up to talk with the doorkeepers, arranging where they would be dropped off.

I watched all of this from the sidelines, with a big smile on my face. Who knew an 8 hour bus ride could be this entertaining? When things quieted down on the bus, I would focus on the scenery outside. Guatemala is a beautiful country...green and lush and alive.

When I finally arrived in Flores, things spiraled downward and out of control quickly. Within the first ten minutes I had spent all of the money I had on my hostel and a sunrise tour of Tikal the following day. My guidebook and the map at the hostel showed that there weren't any ATMs in Flores and that the nearest one was in the next town over, Santa Elena. It was just about a mile away. I had not eaten all day, it was about 95 degrees outside, and I had no water and no money. Before I even crossed the bridge out of Flores, sweat was pouring out of me and I felt lightheaded. Every bank I stopped in told me to keep walking a few more blocks to the ATM. I powered on down the street, past all the dirty looks and stare downs I was getting. Two miles later, I got there, swiped my card and saw the words "out of order". I turned to walk back, defeated. The tears stung at my eyes, my mind frantically ran off in a million directions. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way back to Flores.

I stopped at a little cafe once I was back and asked the woman in a shaky voice if she spoke English. She did. I was too tired to attempt asking for what I needed in Spanish. I explained what had happened and asked if there were any other ATM that she knew of.

"Oh, there's one right down the block, here in Flores."

Deep breath...what's the lesson here, Great Goddess? I sheepishly walked the two blocks to the ATM.

Had I asked stopped to ask someone before running off on this wild goose chase, I could have avoided all of this. Another theme in my life...I don't like to ask for help. I don't want to look "stupid" or bother anyone, so I just figure things out on my own. Yet, how much wasted energy would I have saved if I had asked someone at the hostel about an ATM in town? Sometimes I need help and I need to learn to ask for it.

Alright, Great Goddess, I see the lesson. I know that before the trip, I asked that you would show me the things that I needed to learn from the trip and that I would be open to receiving them. I still want that, but could you also be gentle with me from now on? Please, be gentle with me.

I love the cobble stone streets of Antigua (although they're nicer to look at than to walk on) and the bright colored traditional dress of the Guatemalan women, who smile up at me as they pass by on the streets. The markets are different than I expected. I thought they would be outdoors, like a street fair or swap meet. But they are indoors, in open warehouse style rooms, full of textiles and handicrafts. The vendors follow me around, each one asking "algo especial"...anything special? Every corner I turn, it seems there's another church. I think I counted 38 in my guidebook. And the town is only something like 10 blocks by 10 blocks. Volcan Agua and hillsides full of trees surround the city streets. Groups of school children walk in pairs down the sidewalk, dressed in their catholic uniforms. And the thing that cracks me up the most are the young kids (I swear some were only 10 or 11) making out passionately...on a park bench, on a chain-link fence, while walking down the street! It makes me smile every time!

At the end of today, I am feeling exhausted...and sad. A lot of energy has been building up in me with the traveling, not a lot of sleep, heightened emotions, worry, fear, etc. I had a great day, walking through the city, visiting the ruins at the Church of San Francisco, eating a pupusa from a street vendor, buying snacks from the tienda for my 8 hour bus ride tomorrow. But now that I am back in my room at night, there is nothing but time to think.

I guess my struggle right now is that I came on this trip wanting to test myself: to prove that I am strong and independent. Each day that I am here, I realize that I can do this. I can travel alone. I can get by. But now the question: Do I want to? Being alone gives me a lot of time to think and contemplate and so for now, I am doing that. However, I don't know that I'd do it again. Does traveling by myself make me independent and strong? Not on its own. I suppose it's one way to show those characteristics, but it doesn't prove anything. And the bottom line is that I don't think long journeys on my own are "me". I know I CAN do them, but don't necessarily want to in the future.

That's where I am right now...realizing, recognizing that I don't have anyone to prove anything to. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to acknowledge that I like have someone else with me. It helps me feel safe and less worried, which in turn makes the trip easier to enjoy. Traveling in this way is mentally and emotionally draining on me. I think for some people, the unknown is exciting and freeing. You can go anywhere, do anything. For me, it's stressful. During the day, I'm in the moment, enjoying and taking in the city with all of my senses. But now, I'm getting worried about tomorrow. Bus connections, hoping I get to Flores before dark and that I find a place to stay. I know I need to trust. The universe provides, I will be taken care. I do believe, but have to keep practicing.

For the past hour, I've been trying to get myself into a calm state. I did yoga, stretching out my body, releasing some of the tension. Then alternating between crying and meditating (and crying while meditating). I couldn't seem to get my mind to quiet down. I just wanted to find a piece of calm before going to bed. I went into child's pose, and asked the Earth's core to be a magnet and attract all of the negative and stressful energy out of my body. I lay there for a half an hour, letting it all drain out. My breathing slowed, as did my mind. A mild peace came over me and I felt ready for bed. And so I will sleep now and wake up refreshed and ready to take on a new day.

Streets of Antigua

I saw my reflection in the rotating door of the San Francisco Airport, as I walked in. I saw fear. I held back tears as I made my way toward the check in desk, carrying all my belongings for the next two weeks on my back.

As I prepared for this trip, I prayed and meditated a lot. I had asked Great Goddess to help me be open, to give me signs and that I would listen and look for the lessons that I needed to learn while on this journey. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I felt excitement and was surprised by the lack of nervousness and worry (which used to be standard for me). It wasn’t until the car ride to the airport that my stomach clamped and I found my breath catching in my throat. Tears welled up and I pushed them back. Nervousness and fear took hold. A quick hug and kiss by the side of the car and then I turned toward the door. I was on my own now.

When I reached the counter, the woman asked my final destination.

“Guatemala,” I told her.

“Oh, I’m from Guatemala. What part are you going to?” she smiled at me. Thank you Great Goddess for this first sign, this small comfort as I begin my journey. I told her where I was going and asked where in Guatemala she was from. Punta Barrios, a city I wouldn’t be visiting but I recognized the name and knew what part of the country it was in. I spent a lot of time looking at maps and planning out a route for this trip.

My initial plan was much more ambitious than the final version. Originally, I wanted to visit four countries and probably 10 cities in the span of 18 days. Gradually, I trimmed down a city here, a country there, until finally I had two countries and 7 cities on the agenda. In the end, I did two countries and 4 cities, which satisfied me.

After 12 hours of flying and waiting in airports, I arrived in Guatemala City. Everything went smoothly…. getting my bags, checking with the tourist info booth to find out where I could get a ride to Antigua, walking out and finding a shuttle within minutes. The driver of the shuttle introduced himself as Eduardo, which I took as another good sign, since it was the same name as my boyfriend. Waiting in the shuttle for other passengers, Eduardo and I got to talking. When asked if I could speak Spanish, I told him “un pocito”. As he began asking about my travel plans, I found that I could converse in Spanish better than expected, which made me smile.

A second girl got in the bus after about 15 minutes and then we waited another two hours before heading for Antigua. In between talking with my new acquaintance from Australia, I felt the familiar pangs of worry flow in waves throughout my body. The sun was starting to set, I was still an hour from Antigua, and I didn’t have a place to stay. I didn’t want to arrive after dark, not knowing where I was going. I tried to resist the urge to scold myself for not at least booking my first night in advance. I kept reminding myself to breathe and asking the Great Goddess to help me easily find a place to stay when I got to Antigua. That prayer was answered when the first hostel I tried happened to have an open bed. Tired from my 24 plus hours of travel, I fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning I was tested again. I got up early and wanted to find a hostel for the night, since where I was staying didn’t have any availability. I had to leave there by noon, so I got started around 8. I took my guidebook and began roaming the streets of Antigua, trying to find my sense of direction. I stopped by a church and meditated and gave thanks for my safe arrival and finding a place to stay on my first night. I made my way to the town center, stopping off at a few markets to browse. I was making my way toward some of the hostels that were listed, but the streets weren’t always clearly labeled and after an hour or so, I couldn’t seem to find any of the places that I was looking for. At ten, a shock of panic coursed through me. I stopped right where I was and said a prayer to Great Goddess (and Archangel Gabriel, who I thought I had recently read helped with directions) asking that I be able to quickly find one of the hostels listed in my guidebook. I literally turned the corner and ran into my top choice. I walked in and they had a private room available.

And so my lesson for this trip became clear to me: I need to let go of control, fear, worry and learn to trust, to have faith. I spend a lot of my time worrying and then playing into my irrational fears, letting them run wild. Now it is time to start trusting that the universe is watching over me and I will be taken care of. I do not need to waste my time living in fear, trying to control everything that will happen. Instead, I need to release and melt into the lap of the Great Goddess, knowing that she will take care of me.

City Hall

Already there's so much to say. I made it through the first part of my trip and am in Guadalajara, Mexico waiting for my flight to Mexico City and then on to Guatemala City. So far it's been very smooth.

Walking down the airport hallway, surrounded by gray, part of me wanted to run back outside and have Eddie take me back to the safety of home. A lump rose in my throat and I felt nauseous. Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I held them back. I asked the universe to send me peace. I managed to get to my gate with two hours to spare. I put on Cat Power and the melodies soothed me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. By the time I moved onto Norah Jones, I felt calm (or at least, calmer). I dozed for a bit before boarding the plane at one in the morning.

Once on board I had the nice surprise of the entire row to myself. I said a quick prayer of thanks. Upon landing in Guadalajara, the immigration line was long and slow moving with the echoes of a screaming two year old. After fifteen minutes, the flight attendant came around and said that if we were going to Mexico City to follow her. She took us right to the front of the line and then she directed us to our connecting flight. All in all, it's been an effortless adventure.

Now, here I am, waiting for the next plane. It's seven here. The feeling of rushing to a pay phone and calling Eddie isn't subsiding. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, that I would feel so much safer having him with me. But that's what this trip is about: facing fear. I don't want to be scared of the world. And I don't want to live my life safely inside my comfort zone because I'm too afraid to step outside of it. While I do (deeply) wish Eddie was with me, I also know that this is something that I need to do on my own and that the trip would have a different meaning if he were here (it would be fabulous, but I wouldn't be testing myself and expanding beyond my boundaries).

I do feel very lucky and blessed that I have Eddie in my life. I know he'll be there throughout the trip, waiting for me to check in and that I have him to return to when this trip is done. There is a comfort in that that fills me with love and appreciation. I don't feel sick or scared like I did in those first few moments in the SF airport. I am slightly anxious...wanting to be at the Guatemala airport and get my bag and find a shuttle to Antigua and know that I have a place to stay once I get there. Worry, worry...but I'm trying to breath, to meditate, to trust.

we flow now,
moving through our life,
with an ease
a smooth surface,
occasional ripples
the comfort that only comes
from truly knowing another
by taking the time
to wade through the tough stuff
rather than drifting apart

water wearing down rocks
running over the grooves
into the guts of who we are
rubbing against and refining the shape of our relationship
washing away pieces we didn’t need
and healing those places
where we hurt each other deeply
acknowledging and apologizing when necessary
calmly carrying us toward understanding

and so we have this life
together
one that has been cut and carved out
by the surge of our streams merging
through a shared language
of smooches and birdies and love your face
a smile that conveys the silent “I love you”
a knowing touch
and even the heated words
followed by a gentle embrace

we flow side by side
your strong and steady stream of life
coursing next to my current of consciousness
before swirling together
and then parting again
strong enough to run on our own
but stronger still when supported by one another
we spill over with love

After months of meditation and prayer, I have finally come up with an address for my prayers that feels right in my heart. When I first started praying, I would send the prayers out to the universe, which at times felt right, but at other times felt too expansive, too impersonal. I've been reading a lot of books about different goddesses and feel a connection to many of them. I feel like goddesses live within me, but can also be their own entity outside of me. And so, I have started sending my prayers to the Great Goddess. I imagine a mother figure, with a large lap where I can lay my head and a strong body that I can lean against. She is grand and fleshy and womanly. She can handle all of the thoughts, fears, and emotions that I bring to her. She is gentle, compassionate, and understanding. She wipes tears away, rocks me in her lap, and strokes my hair when I need comfort. She is firm with me as she guides me along this path toward living as my highest self.