I had my first patient visit today. A few months ago I started training to become a Spiritual Care Volunteer at a hospital in the city. After the initial training, I’d gone to meet with the director a couple times and shadow him on visits. Although I was nervous, I made the decision before I went in today that I would go do a visit on my own. I would have to jump in at some point, might as well be today.

The visit went well, all things considered. The patient was happy to have me, “I’m not going anywhere, please sit down. Let’s talk, what do you want to talk about? Religion? You want to tell me about religion?” I think she mistook my title as a Spiritual Care Volunteer to mean that I wanted to sell some religion to her. I redirected and got her talking about herself, her beliefs, and her time in the hospital.

I was sweating and nervous and certainly fumbled. But at the end of our conversation, when I walked out of the room, I felt a rush of energy. I had done it. Even though it made me anxious (and probably will for a while until I become more comfortable with it), I felt good when it was over.

Back in the director’s office, I told him how the visit went. He asked if I’d like to do another. “No, I think one was enough for today,” the words slipped out of my mouth before I even had time to think them through. Normally, I would have said yes, wanting to please the other person and do what I thought he wanted me to do. Instead, before I had time to think about it, I was honest.

“That’s totally fine,” the director said. “And it feels very authentic. Some people jump in and keep going even when they may not be ready. I understand that one was enough. When I was first getting into this, I would visit one patient and then go hide in the bathroom for the rest of my shift. Really. It takes time to get used to the work you’re doing.”

In a society where we are rarely transparent, especially with people we don’t know well, it is refreshing when we can tell the truth. That’s how I know that I want to continue this work. It’s one place where I go for 2-4 hours a week and know that I am having real interactions with people. And I really appreciate the director I am working with. I like that it’s okay to admit fear or nervousness and not be judged. And even beyond that, to have someone say back to me, “Hey, I’ve been there. I’ve been overwhelmed and felt that way too. Thanks for being honest.”

I walked out of the building feeling a deep spaciousness inside and at the same time fulfilled by this brief moment in my day.