Just back from lunchtime yoga. I feel that stillness inside today for the first time in over a week.

Last week I found out that I did not get into the MFA program here that I’ve been working toward and looking forward to for almost a year. It was a competitive program and I knew that going in. Yet I truly believed that one of the reasons I got the job here at USF was so that I could go back to school and get my masters doing something that I love. Ever since I got the job and found out they had a MFA Writing program and that they had tuition remission, I felt deep inside that that was going to be my path.

I had no idea how hard the loss of that dream would hit me. I had prepared for the fact that I might not get in, considering they only select 30 out of 300 applicants. But I wanted to keep my thoughts positive and imagined getting the acceptance letter and going to class after work and taking my laptop to cafes to write on the weekends. Last week, all of that positive energy and hope that I had created and cultivated was sucked out of me. The blow left me deflated, empty, negative, sad, and lost.

For the first couple days, I frantically searched the internet for all other writing programs that I might be able to go to in the area. I found many school and also learned that there are quite a few low residency programs across the country where you can get your masters through distance learning. Despite my hours pouring over the websites, I could not find the right fit. Most of the programs were way too expensive. Plus, part of the reason that I wanted to join the MFA program here was for the community of writers. I wanted to be a part of classes and lectures, discussions and readings.

I began perusing the MFT (marriage family therapist) masters in Counseling Psychology that is offered here as an option. If I’m going to do school right now, I want to take advantage of the tuition remission offered at my job. But do I want to spend three years doing coursework and an additional two years of internships before I can get my license? I don’t know. I’m not sure. And I don’t want to make a five-year commitment if I’m not certain.

All the peacefulness and giving and high frequency energy that I had been pulsating with since I returned from my trip dissipated. My mind started running wild, my allergies flared up, no matter how much rest I got I still felt worn out. At the end of last week, I told myself to slow down, that I didn’t need to make any decisions right away. Still, the deflated, stagnant energy persisted and continues to persist.

I want to snap out of it. I want to find my way back to the high of being in tune with life. I want to move forward. I want to find my center again. But I’m stuck. I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole that I slipped into with the bad news last week. Today’s yoga was a step in the right direction, a move toward coming back to my center. I know I need to give myself time and space, allowing new opportunities to arise.

I wonder why it is so hard to find my way back when I am knocked off the path. Certainly, I am stronger now in the way that I handle the roadblocks life hurls my way. I have more grace. I don’t wallow nearly as long as I used to. But it still throws me off kilter, still spins me in circles until I feel out of sync.

It’s been hard to meditate or pray or write down the things I am grateful for each day. I bet if I did these things it might make it easier to come back to my center. But I feel betrayed. Betrayed by life. And it’s hard to process and let go of that feeling. It’s hard to forgive, to accept, to trust. Trust…again it comes up. I need to trust that I will find the work that fulfills my higher purpose and not lose hope when things don’t work out according to my plans.

In my mind, I know these things, but it’s hard to live from that place of knowing. It’s hard to embody the concept of detachment. Especially when I feel like I’m ready to find work that inspires me and ignites my passion. There are quite a few forms that my life’s work could take and I’m eager to find out which one it will be. For now, I just need to settle down and know that it will happen. My purpose will be revealed to me.