I love the cobble stone streets of Antigua (although they're nicer to look at than to walk on) and the bright colored traditional dress of the Guatemalan women, who smile up at me as they pass by on the streets. The markets are different than I expected. I thought they would be outdoors, like a street fair or swap meet. But they are indoors, in open warehouse style rooms, full of textiles and handicrafts. The vendors follow me around, each one asking "algo especial"...anything special? Every corner I turn, it seems there's another church. I think I counted 38 in my guidebook. And the town is only something like 10 blocks by 10 blocks. Volcan Agua and hillsides full of trees surround the city streets. Groups of school children walk in pairs down the sidewalk, dressed in their catholic uniforms. And the thing that cracks me up the most are the young kids (I swear some were only 10 or 11) making out passionately...on a park bench, on a chain-link fence, while walking down the street! It makes me smile every time!

At the end of today, I am feeling exhausted...and sad. A lot of energy has been building up in me with the traveling, not a lot of sleep, heightened emotions, worry, fear, etc. I had a great day, walking through the city, visiting the ruins at the Church of San Francisco, eating a pupusa from a street vendor, buying snacks from the tienda for my 8 hour bus ride tomorrow. But now that I am back in my room at night, there is nothing but time to think.

I guess my struggle right now is that I came on this trip wanting to test myself: to prove that I am strong and independent. Each day that I am here, I realize that I can do this. I can travel alone. I can get by. But now the question: Do I want to? Being alone gives me a lot of time to think and contemplate and so for now, I am doing that. However, I don't know that I'd do it again. Does traveling by myself make me independent and strong? Not on its own. I suppose it's one way to show those characteristics, but it doesn't prove anything. And the bottom line is that I don't think long journeys on my own are "me". I know I CAN do them, but don't necessarily want to in the future.

That's where I am right now...realizing, recognizing that I don't have anyone to prove anything to. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to acknowledge that I like have someone else with me. It helps me feel safe and less worried, which in turn makes the trip easier to enjoy. Traveling in this way is mentally and emotionally draining on me. I think for some people, the unknown is exciting and freeing. You can go anywhere, do anything. For me, it's stressful. During the day, I'm in the moment, enjoying and taking in the city with all of my senses. But now, I'm getting worried about tomorrow. Bus connections, hoping I get to Flores before dark and that I find a place to stay. I know I need to trust. The universe provides, I will be taken care. I do believe, but have to keep practicing.

For the past hour, I've been trying to get myself into a calm state. I did yoga, stretching out my body, releasing some of the tension. Then alternating between crying and meditating (and crying while meditating). I couldn't seem to get my mind to quiet down. I just wanted to find a piece of calm before going to bed. I went into child's pose, and asked the Earth's core to be a magnet and attract all of the negative and stressful energy out of my body. I lay there for a half an hour, letting it all drain out. My breathing slowed, as did my mind. A mild peace came over me and I felt ready for bed. And so I will sleep now and wake up refreshed and ready to take on a new day.