As the year comes to a close, it brings up thoughts of how the past year was spent and how to improve ourselves in the year to come. I’ve never been big on New Year’s Resolutions. I suppose because even the few years that I came up with some, I never really followed through on them.

This year feels different. I feel like I want to create a ritual to acknowledge this past year and set intentions for the upcoming year. I’ve already spent some time thinking and writing in my journal about this. I can honestly say that this year has been one in which I have made the most growth as a person. I look back to January, and see the place that I was at then compared to where I am now, and so much progress has been made.

I started out 2006 by being honest, admitting that I didn’t want to teach. From there, it seemed that the Spirit began guiding me: through the Artist’s Way, into my health program, reconnecting with yoga and myself, beginning to meditate. It’s hard to explain on paper the difference in my being, my self. Recently, I have really begun to notice how much more aware I am of my mind and thoughts, how I am able to watch what I am thinking and really turn my thoughts around when they falter back into old thought patterns. I feel the most mentally and emotionally healthy that I ever have. For all of these gifts, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have had this year to discover and realize who I really am.

When I think of my family and this past year, there are so many thoughts that come to mind. It has been a challenging and rewarding years in so many ways and for so many of us. Through moves and job changes and death and heartbreak, each difficult situation seemed to bring different people together to connect in new ways. To me, it seems we are uniting in a more open and honest way.

I want to tell Tiffany that I admire her courage for embarking on a solo journey to Thailand, in search of finding peace within herself. Katie, your strength and endurance in going through more surgeries without complaint amazes me. To Kels, I congratulate you on making your way through the tumultuous times of high school. Know that it is almost over, and you will be on to bigger and better things! You have many new experiences ahead of you and I am excited for your next stage of life. Trevor and Porsha, I have seen so many transformations take place this year. I am proud of your commitment and perseverance. Mom, through moves and new jobs and losing your mom, this has been a year of changes. But I have seen a more peaceful and accepting side of you.

As for 2007, my intentions are to continue with what I have been doing: searching, discovering, listening, paying attention, learning, and accepting. I want to deepen my yoga practice, as well as my work with meditation. I plan to continue my current health program and add to it when I feel it necessary (I will be going to an acupuncturist in January and will see where that leads). I think my biggest, most challenging intention for the new year is to meet new people and allow myself to be open and honest in these interactions. I have hidden my social side in many ways since moving to San Francisco. I feel ready to open up that part of me again, letting new people deeply into my life, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I look back at this year with much gratitude and appreciation. I know that this will stick out in my memory as an important time of life. In looking forward, I feel a strong positive energy. Things will continue to evolve and deepen. I am excited and ready for what lies ahead. And as for this moment, I am grateful for the space I have carved out inside of me that can quietly accept (with a smile) just being right here, right now.

I’ve been too tired to do anything when I get home. I’m subbing at my old school, the one I left because teaching was not for me. They called last week, on a particularly lousy lunch hour, when I was questioning whether I should just walk out on yet another awful temp job. One of the teachers threw out her back and they needed to get someone in the classroom who could get the kids under control and back to work. The minute I heard the message, I knew I would take the job and I did.

It’s been five days and I love it and am worn out by it. I feel like I’m back home. All of my old students have come to greet me with excited looks of confusion, “Ms. Lottes! What are you doing back here?!” I received lots of hugs and warm welcomes from teachers and students. Parents are coming by to tell me how nice it is to see me back around campus. And yet, the feeling of overwhelming and endless responsibilities hovers around me. It is nice being there without the total accountability of being a full time teacher. I don’t have to attend meetings or write report cards or plan major lessons. But I have come home every night with a deep exhaustion. I am asleep by 8 or 9. If I try to stay up later, my body physically won’t let me. My eyes droop shut, like heavy weights are resting on them, pulling them down. This afternoon, I came home and slept for two hours, a heavy, restless sleep. The kind where I’m tossing and turning and wake up groggy and hot and disoriented.

This only affirms to me that I made the right decision. For some reason, my body is not able to handle the extreme involvement of teaching. But here I am, back where I started. Hundreds of resumes later, with no real job prospects in sight, still no job offers, hardly any calls back. I am tired of the job search. I am tired of going to (temporary) work each day and knowing that I should come home and hunting for more jobs, sending out more resumes…because nothing is bringing any results.

I know there must be some reason. I’m done feeling undeserving or like I don’t have strong qualities to offer. I know I’m smart, I know I’m hard working, I know I’ll do well in my next endeavor. But where is the next opportunity? When is it going to present itself? How long do I have to wait? I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to feel settled. I want my ideal job: a place with a warm environment where I am happy to come to work everyday and feel calm and contented, a place where the people are kind and helpful and some are like minded and will become friends, a place where I am valued and the work I do is valuable. These are the things that I ask the Spirit to send me. Everyday. I am asking everyday. Where is this job?

Anger, sadness, stress, worry…all these emotions pulse through me. And then moments of peace, where I am still. I do not want to fight where I am. But I do not want to be here anymore. I am grateful that short-term jobs are presenting themselves, keeping me somewhat afloat for now. I wait for the day when I receive the ideal job that is balanced between the constant chaos of teaching and the monotony of boring office work: a job that engages and interests me, but that does not take my energy from me (and perhaps, even gives me energy).

And so I am here, waiting…

As my thoughts come to me and I find a way to express them in words, verbal or written, giving them voice, I am freeing myself from a self imposed confinement. For so long, I kept my thoughts hidden away, in journals and my mind, holding on to them for dear life, afraid of what might happen if I let them out. These thoughts created armor around me, an extra layer to keep a distance, so others could not get in and I could not let my true self out.

As I began my journey toward better health, I took in all of the new ideas and concepts: whole foods, grains, herbs, primary vs. secondary foods, interconnectedness. I didn’t even know what eating whole foods meant before Fruition. I have learned so much in these seven months and am still learning. I am eating when I’m hungry and choosing foods that nourish my body, providing energy and balance, rather than those that deplete me. I have incorporated exercise into my schedule and found again my passion for yoga. And still, even after taking all of these steps, six months into my program, I had not lost any weight.

My counselor suggested that maybe I was carrying around emotional weight. We talked about how holding on and storing so many emotions, memories, and thoughts could create extra weight. So not only was creating a barrier around myself a metaphor, but it was a physical manifestation that could actually be seen in my body. It was a new concept-emotional weight-but it made sense. So then, what do I do about it? How do I lose emotional weight? There is no known solution. Going to the gym or eating the right foods does not help to get rid of emotional weight.

Some of the strategies I tried were acknowledging emotions as they come up, feeling my feelings and then choosing how I want to respond, if at all. Beginning to speak up to others, truthfully, about what I want and need. And most importantly, taking care of myself. I was so used to putting the needs of others first and always gauging what others wanted, that the thought of taking care of myself seemed selfish. The more I started thinking about it, and practicing it, I realized that unless I take care of myself, I am not able to give the best of myself to others. Finding the time to eat right, exercise, take a bath, read, and do nice things for myself are now part of my routine. Yet still, adding all of these elements into my life did not help the weight come off.

Instead the solution has come to me in the most unexpected way. Since I have started my blog and have begun to share the depths of myself, now the weight is beginning to shed. It is my belief that in letting go of my thoughts, releasing them into the world, they are now shared by others. They no longer need to live inside of me. They no longer need to take up space in me and weigh me down. I am freeing the thoughts, freeing myself, freeing up space…and in doing that, I am finding myself-physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

In a relationship, acceptance can often be the hardest part. I find myself picking at annoying habits like always having noise blaring, whether it’s the TV or music or video games. I like quiet sometimes and don’t like that I have to hide out in one of the back rooms in order to find it. Or the fact that he stays up late for no reason, even if he is tired, and doesn’t come to bed until one or two in the morning. I want him to come to bed with me, every night. And one more thing, I like to come home at the end of a work day and see the house in order and the bed made. It feels soothing for me to see a nicely made bed (yes, I realize I am slightly crazy and anal for saying it). But I leave earlier in the morning and his idea of making the bed is throwing all the sheets and covers onto the bed in disarray, just so long as they aren’t lying on the floor.

How is it that two people come together and decide to share their lives? Especially when the people are complete opposites, which my boyfriend and I are. Physically, he is tall and thin and has a dark complexion and I am short, curvy, and have light features. Emotionally, he holds feelings back and I let them pour out my eyes whenever they come up. When we fight, he wants to get away and have some space, I want to talk right away and work it out. He is loud, funny, social, opinionated, the life of the party. Everyone loves him right away. I am quiet, observant, keep things to myself, and have a good sense of humor with those I know. Everyone loves me once they’ve had time to get to know me (which can take awhile before I open up). And yet somehow, here we are after four years, making it work.

Acceptance. In yoga, my teacher says that we are not to judge ourselves or where we are at in our lives. He says that we are all right where we should be, right where we are meant to be, in every moment. This thought helped me tremendously as I began my job search and found nothing. My old thoughts jumped right in with, “You’re not good enough. No one wants to hire you. You don’t deserve a better job. You don’t deserve to be happy.” But this new idea was able to counter that with, “I am exactly where I should be in this moment.” Even though I didn’t always want to be where I was at that moment, it still felt good to validate that I am whole and complete and perfect just as I am. Then one day, I realized that if I am just where I need to be in my life, so is everyone else. My job is not to try to change others, to get them to be more like me or join me on my path. My job is to accept others, right now just as they are, knowing that they are perfect and whole and where they need to be in their lives.

Suddenly I could look at my boyfriend in a whole new way. He doesn’t react to situations the same way I would, he does things in his own way. And once I started to look at him through eyes of acceptance, it became much easier to appreciate all of the wonderful things about him.

It is my belief that relationships exist to teach us how to love (ourselves and others). Now to be honest, I did not create that last sentence, I heard someone else say it, but since I believe it to be true, I’m borrowing it. Relationships are a learning process. In them, we get to be the teacher and the student. I am able to teach Eddie about expressing feelings while he has taught me about respecting myself and having high expectations. He has opened me up to a whole new world of music and politics. I have shared yoga and cooking with him. We each have our own separate passions, but we are able to share them with one another.

Acceptance is one of those traits you have to be constantly mindful about. It is easy to slip back into pointing out the flaws and irritating behaviors. But if you can shift your thinking and look for acceptance, it will change the way you see others.

Eddie may do things loudly, but that includes loving me loudly. He is very affectionate and tells me everyday that he loves me. He may not make the bed, but he makes me laugh. He may not come to bed at the same time as me every night, but he is always there when I wake up.

As I am slowly learning how to accept myself, it is opening me up to being more accepting of others as well. I am learning how to love with truth. How to truly love.

Normally I'd be asking myself, "Why?!" Why is this happening to me?
Why is this taking so long?

It just is. I cannot do anything to make time speed up or even give me
a glimpse into the future. I just have to wait it out. I have to
accept that I am here right now. I am in this moment of uncertainty
and unknowing. How long will this moment last? I don't know when it
will end...or when my next beginning begins. All I know is that it is
taking time. And that I am lucky enough to have people around me who
are supportive and giving, who are helping me out right now.

My brother has given me money, without my having to ask and with no
strings attached. My dad has done the same. And no one, not family or
friends, has once asked me why I quit my last job before securing a
new one. No one has hinted that maybe I didn't make the "best" choice.
All of these things mean so much to me. I know in my heart that I made
the right choice. I have no regrets about leaving teaching. I was not
happy. I needed change. Even though right now it would be easy to
question my decision, I do not. And I appreciate that those close to
me respect me and honor my choices.

I am feeling okay with this in between time, peaceful even. I
surrender and accept where I am. Toward the end of summer, at the
beginning of my job search, I felt lost and scared and frustrated. But
for the past few weeks, I have managed to keep this feeling of calm.
Even while working as a temp at a job where I don't use any brain
power and where I am being paid much less than I'm worth. I've been
appreciating this new experience of office work and the fact that I'm
out in the work world and bringing some money in.

Then, yesterday, I get a message from the temp agency. They have a
direct hire position that they want me to interview for. As I drive
home, my excitement grows. It's a good day. I'm smiling and singing
along with the music. Then reality hits. I actually talk to my
contact. The job is for a janatorial service, the pay is the very
bottom number that I'm willing to accept (and it's really not what I
want).

As quickly as I floated up on my cloud, I am brought crashing down. I
am hesitant. I know I don't want this job. But I don't say that. I
agree to interview. I hang up and can feel tears stinging, ready to
fall. I hold them back. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel this
uneasiness in my chest. I have come to a place of acceptance and now
it's being striped away from me. Is this what I deserve? To work in
the office of a janitorial company? I try to make myself laugh about
it, but it's too fresh to feel humorous.

This morning I called to say that I did not want to interview for the
position. And today I can laugh at the irony of the universe sending
this job to me.

I still have so many lessons to learn. I need to learn to speak up and
be honest, without being afraid of what others will think. That's one
of my biggest lessons, and perhaps that's why I'm being offered such a
job. I believe the right job is out there for me and that I need to be
patient and persistent and I will find it.

I want to end this with a quote that my brother sent to me in response
to reading my blog. I want to say thank you to everyone who has read
my blog and all of the wonderful feedback I've gotten. Already, two of
my goals for doing the blog have been accomplished: 1. I'm openly and
honestly sharing myself and 2. A connection is being made with others
that otherwise would not exist.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to
be? You are a child of the Universal Spirit. Your playing small
doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened
about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as
children do. We were born to manifest the glory of the Universal
Spirit that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's
in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the
same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others."

I stepped out of the warmth of my cooking class and into the crisp night air to find it surprisingly quiet. The streets of San Francisco are usually full of people moving about. But not tonight. The change of seasons is noticeable in many ways: the cool weather, darkness sets in earlier, and people make their way indoors. As I approached my car, I opened my purse to get my keys when I found the box of raspberry flavored "panda" licorice I had bought just hours ago, before class.

I was tired, cranky, and frustrated when I arrived at Real Foods (where I do my cooking class). I had been asked to do something at the end of the work day, which resulted in my having to stay a little bit late (I'm a temp so I don't feel any obligation to put in the extra effort, especially when I should have been given the task before 4:45). Then there was the hour I spent in traffic to get to class. My stomach was growling and as I wandered through the store, the "panda" box caught my eye. I loved this licorice when I was a kid. I bought the box and reluctantly put it in my purse. I wanted to open it and eat at least a few pieces right away. I knew it wouldn't satisfy my hunger, but still there was a comfort in knowing it was hidden away for later.

I entered the back room where we do our cooking and could feel the energy change. I walked around checking out the recipes for the night: collard greens in coconut oil, Indian spiced tempeh, pork in a tomato cumin sauce, brown rice with seaweed. More people filled the room, washing vegetables, chatting, observing. As we began to prepare the food, I found myself extremely focused on my recipe: cutting, chopping, squeezing, blending, simmering. The wonderful mixture of aromas from the different foods filled the air. By the time we sat down to eat, I realized I hadn't even noticed my hunger since I had walked in the room.

Our topic for the night was: the skinny on fats. We had used good quality fats in all of the recipes and sat down to discuss the benefits of fat. We talked about our personal relationship to the word "fat", as well as the feelings that arise when we think of fat. Calm was the first word that came to my mind because foods high in fat are what I use as comfort food. Then I thought of the negative connotation associated with fat. I don't like the word. I have a love-hate relationship with fattening foods (ice cream, chocolate, cheese). I crave these foods, but then feel guilty after I eat them. This is an area that my health counselor and I are exploring. I am working to put good quality fats into my diet, so that I don't have to feel guilty about what I am eating. (As a side note, I went to a Wellness conference over the weekend and one of the speakers who is a raw foodist made a statement that has stayed with me. He said, "I now eat whatever I want, whenever I want, where ever I want, and as much as I want with no guilt, fear, or shame." He repeated this twice so that it could really sink in. I wonder how many of us out there could honestly say the same.)

When the night was over, I felt full as usual. And not just from the food (although it is always delicious). I felt full of thoughts, full of energy, full of positive feelings. That's why, when I reached for my keys, I was surprised to find the box of licorice. The sweet that I craved earlier had been forgotten once I filled myself with the nourishing presence of food, fellow souls on this journey, and the interactions between the two.

For more information on the holistic health program I'm doing you can check out this website:
http://www.fruitionhealth.com/

I had a breakthrough this week. As I started my first week of weight watchers and made the decision to choose nourishing activities for myself at night, I was able to to take the time to read, to write, exercise, and have a clear and open mind. I started thinking about the process that I am in right now-a transition time in my life. I am no longer who I was just 6 months ago and I still am uncertain as to who I am becoming. The past few months I have struggled with this transition, feeling like I wanted to take the leap in becoming a new version of myself, but at the same time, not completely ready to give up all of the comfortable habits of my old self.

Then it came to me one night. I am going through the process of death. In order for my true self to come to life, I have to put my old self to rest. Inside myself, there has been a battle raging over the past half of a year. My old self is fighting to stay alive. Everyday that I crave a glass of wine when I get home from work, every time that I make a plan to go to the gym and then skip out, the nights I sit on the couch watching TV rather than choosing a more creative activity-that is my old self asserting its exsistence. Years of habit are hard to break. Even though I know that change needs to take place, change is hard. Up until this past week, my old self had been winning the battle. The changes that I wanted to make were overpowered by old addictions and routines. Then Wednesday came along...and my breakthrough happened.

I came home from work to find my boyfriend and a couple of friends watching a basketball game and drinking beer with a pizza on the way. Normally, I would have gotten myself a drink and joined in the festivities. Earlier in the day, I had told myself I would go to the gym after work. As soon as I walked in the door, I felt the conflict inside. I had just started my weight watchers program the day before, and beer and pizza were not part of the plan. As if led by a force other than myself, I went to my room, put on my gym clothes and got myself out of the house before I had the chance to talk myself out of the gym. Walking to my car, I found myself moping, wishing that I could be inside with a beer. Driving to the gym, my old self pouted about not being given permission to be as it once was. About half way there, the voice of the new me chimed in: "Once you get to the gym and work out, you are going to feel better and by the time you are done with your workout and back home, you aren't going to crave the beer or pizza. You are making the right choice. I am proud of you for making the healthy choice tonight."

And that was the shift in consciousness, the turning point. My true self had taken the lead in the battle.

Since then I have been thinking about my old self and the life I led. Before, I would have judgementally looked at this self as the bad version of me. Instead, I have been doing what you do when people die: looking back with kindness. I was a child and that part of me is dying. I was ignorant and reckless, irresponsible and destructive. I didn't know better. And I appreciate the fun and excitement that came with innocence. I have many wonderful memories from that part of my life. But now that I know better, I cannot continue leading that same life. Now that I know I have choices and that I need to be conscious and aware of my actions and the effect they have on myself and others, I must choose to be mindful. I must make the leap into adulthood.

For now, I am suspended in midair. I made the leap, but have not landed yet. For awhile, I have been looking back, not wanting it to end. Not ready to let go. But in this moment, I am focused on the vision ahead, looking forward...ready to make a landing. I know that when I do land, I will be ready to lay my old self to rest, satisfied with what I have learned from my past. And I will be ready to begin again, a new me-the true me coming to life.

This one's for you Tiff!

My little sister, Tiffany, has been living with me for the past year. After college, she needed a new place to begin and San Francisco seemed just the place. She spent her year here working as a nanny at first, then at a financial firm. While working days at the financial firm, she took on a part time job during evenings and weekends, as well as babysitting.She's crazy, I know! But she had a goal and she did what it took to make it happen.

Her goal while in SF was to save some money and then go travel again. In college, Tiff spent a semester in Florence and was able to travel to a couple other European countries while there. I visited her in Italy and there are wonderful memories: a wine tasting excursion to the Tuscany region, buying a bottle of wine and drinking it out of plastic cups as we walked along the cobblestone streets, waking up late on a rainy morning and running to catch the train to Rome:-)

After college, Tiff and some friends spent a couple of months in Argentina and Brazil. Her face lights up when she reminisces about the small coastal town where they stayed in Brazil, the hot Brazilian men (you know what I'm talking about-tight red leather pants, black tank top, long, flowing hair), and her moves on the dance floor ("It's not hip hop," she was once told).

During Tiff's year in SF, she thought about where she'd like to travel next, for how long, and what she would do there. One week, she was going to Australia, the next back to Brazil. Finally, she decided on Thailand. She would get her TEFL certification and then teach there for a year. After months of research and almost choosing one program, then another...Tiff finally found the right place-Krabi-a scenic Southern town with lots of activities to do and sights to see.

Tiff left last Thursday to go home for a week and condense all of her belongings into one backpack for the trip. (Try not to tip over in the airport-mom told me about the 25lb. weight at REI!!) And off she goes tomorrow morning on yet another adventure!

There are four years between Tiff and me, so until this past year, we hadn't lived together in eight years. And although I didn't always take advantage of it, I appreciate that we had this year together. After Tiff left last week, I started thinking about all of the things I should have done or said while she was here. But "should" is a word I am trying to take out of my vocabulary. So I figure, although I can't take back time, I can say what I want to say to her:

I admire the woman you have become. You have a dream to see the world and you are taking advantage of this time in life to do that. You are brave and courageous! It takes guts to travel to a foreign land by yourself. You worked hard and have earned this moment (well actually, it's a year you've earned).

A wise woman once told me to keep saying to myself, "It's all happening!" And that all the things I wanted would come to me. Well, now, I say to you, "listen to your own words-it's all happening for you". You are making a dream come true. Of course there will be moments of anxiety and uncertainty, but I have faith in you and know that this trip is going to be an amazing time in your life!

I am on a spiritual journey.

I became restless about a year ago, realizing that I was not happy with many aspects of my life. Stress and frustration consumed me at work. My body was tired and worn out, which contributed to my getting sick often. Instead of going to the gym after work, I would come home and drink a glass (more often than not, it turned into glasses) of wine while vegging out in front of the TV. I gained weight and lost interest or didn't have the energy for my hobbies.

This wasn't how I envisioned myself at 26. And it certainly wasn't who I wanted to be.

I made the choice to do something about it. I gave my resignation at work in February. Since then, I have not been sick once. I began to see the end of the road in a career that wasn't for me. I was reading the Artist's Way and doing my morning pages, which gave me a place to let my thoughts loose. In the Artist's Way, the word synchronicity comes up a lot. I like that word. In fact, it has become one of my favorite words: SYNCHRONICITY. I started paying attention to life again, noticing small moments that seemed like coincidences, but that meant more. These moments of synchronicity meant I was beginning to tune into myself, and in doing so, I was becoming in tune with the universal spirit.

I was not happy with my body and knew that I needed to make changes in my routine, and ultimately my lifestyle. I slowly started going back to yoga classes. A few here, a few there. One night, as I browsed through the upcoming yoga workshops, I stumbled upon a Women and Wellness class. I clicked the link, read about the teacher, and clicked on the link to the teacher's website. Synchronicity. I was lead to a holistic health community that helps women to take control of their health and wellness. It is not about depriving yourself or dieting. It is about looking at the relationship we have with food and learning how food contributes to moods and energy level, among many other things. I have been meeting with a health counselor and attending cooking classes for the past 7 months. This has been a gift for me and has unleashed a newfound passion in me for cooking whole and healthy foods.

I feel rested now that I've had 4 months away from any sort of work. I've had time to read more than a dozen books, get myself back into a routine of exercise, take my yoga practice to the next level, catch up on the past 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, cook and eat well, and start this blog. I am ready to find a new profession and am hopeful that I will be content with the work that I choose. I have had time to really consider the elements that I want in a job and am not willing to settle for the first offer that comes along. I trust that synchronicity will play a part, now that I am paying attention.

(Here is what Wikipedia has to say about SYNCHRONICITY-Plainly put, it is the experience of having two (or more) things happen coincidentally in a manner that is meaningful to the person or persons experiencing them, where that meaning suggests an underlying pattern)

I dropped corn and black beans on the floor last Sunday. As I watched the tupperware slip out of my hands, I saw my insides flying to the floor with it. I lost it. After screaming a few cuss words, I slumped down onto the floor and started to cry. Softly, at first. Eddie had come into the kitchen and was helping to clean up the mess. I didn't want to cry, but the floodgates were open. Sniffling, then tears falling and huge gasps for air. I let go, releasing into the disappointment and sadness and fear that consumed me. I went into the bedroom and flopped face down onto my bed, stiffling the loud sounds of crying in my pillow. Eddie came and laid next to me, stroking my back, not saying a word. All of the stuffed feelings from the past week flowed out of me. Tired and beginning to calm down, I lifted my soggy face, wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve like a five year old girl.

I've had four months off from work. I was teaching, but realized it wasn't the job for me and so I quit. For three months I enjoyed the benefit of a paid summer off. I didn't start to panic until the end of September. Money was running out and bills were pouring in. I had sent out close to 70 resumes and gotten five interviews, none of which were the right job for me. A year ago, I would have freaked out; cried all day everyday, felt the anxiety twisting in my stomach, not left the house for days. But not now. I am changing.

"If you want to break patterns that no longer serve you, realize you have a choice, and choose to do something different than what you would normally do," advised my health counselor. This idea has become my mantra over the past month. Although I do have days where I break down and throw a tantrum (remember the corn and black bean incident?), those days are few compared with the ones where I recognize the fear, and choose to take action rather than let the fear consume me.

So, here I am. Today I make the choice to start a blog, to give voice to my thoughts and feelings. I am a writer. I do journaling, poetry, and short stories. I do not share my writing though. I keep it hidden in journals and notebooks and on my computer. I have been thinking about starting a blog for months, and obviously have had the time to do it, yet something kept me from actually doing it. Fear. Fear comes up a lot for me. But I no longer want to live my life afraid of what people think of me or wondering what might have happened if I had taken action. I am changing my old patterns. I am creating, and re-creating, the story of my life. I am journeying into places unknown: speaking my truth, being conscious and aware, looking inside myself, finding and honoring who I truly am. And I am asking others to join me on the journey-tantrums and breakthroughs and everything in between.