Normally I'd be asking myself, "Why?!" Why is this happening to me?
Why is this taking so long?
It just is. I cannot do anything to make time speed up or even give me
a glimpse into the future. I just have to wait it out. I have to
accept that I am here right now. I am in this moment of uncertainty
and unknowing. How long will this moment last? I don't know when it
will end...or when my next beginning begins. All I know is that it is
taking time. And that I am lucky enough to have people around me who
are supportive and giving, who are helping me out right now.
My brother has given me money, without my having to ask and with no
strings attached. My dad has done the same. And no one, not family or
friends, has once asked me why I quit my last job before securing a
new one. No one has hinted that maybe I didn't make the "best" choice.
All of these things mean so much to me. I know in my heart that I made
the right choice. I have no regrets about leaving teaching. I was not
happy. I needed change. Even though right now it would be easy to
question my decision, I do not. And I appreciate that those close to
me respect me and honor my choices.
I am feeling okay with this in between time, peaceful even. I
surrender and accept where I am. Toward the end of summer, at the
beginning of my job search, I felt lost and scared and frustrated. But
for the past few weeks, I have managed to keep this feeling of calm.
Even while working as a temp at a job where I don't use any brain
power and where I am being paid much less than I'm worth. I've been
appreciating this new experience of office work and the fact that I'm
out in the work world and bringing some money in.
Then, yesterday, I get a message from the temp agency. They have a
direct hire position that they want me to interview for. As I drive
home, my excitement grows. It's a good day. I'm smiling and singing
along with the music. Then reality hits. I actually talk to my
contact. The job is for a janatorial service, the pay is the very
bottom number that I'm willing to accept (and it's really not what I
want).
As quickly as I floated up on my cloud, I am brought crashing down. I
am hesitant. I know I don't want this job. But I don't say that. I
agree to interview. I hang up and can feel tears stinging, ready to
fall. I hold them back. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel this
uneasiness in my chest. I have come to a place of acceptance and now
it's being striped away from me. Is this what I deserve? To work in
the office of a janitorial company? I try to make myself laugh about
it, but it's too fresh to feel humorous.
This morning I called to say that I did not want to interview for the
position. And today I can laugh at the irony of the universe sending
this job to me.
I still have so many lessons to learn. I need to learn to speak up and
be honest, without being afraid of what others will think. That's one
of my biggest lessons, and perhaps that's why I'm being offered such a
job. I believe the right job is out there for me and that I need to be
patient and persistent and I will find it.
I want to end this with a quote that my brother sent to me in response
to reading my blog. I want to say thank you to everyone who has read
my blog and all of the wonderful feedback I've gotten. Already, two of
my goals for doing the blog have been accomplished: 1. I'm openly and
honestly sharing myself and 2. A connection is being made with others
that otherwise would not exist.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to
be? You are a child of the Universal Spirit. Your playing small
doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened
about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as
children do. We were born to manifest the glory of the Universal
Spirit that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's
in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the
same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others."
Why is this taking so long?
It just is. I cannot do anything to make time speed up or even give me
a glimpse into the future. I just have to wait it out. I have to
accept that I am here right now. I am in this moment of uncertainty
and unknowing. How long will this moment last? I don't know when it
will end...or when my next beginning begins. All I know is that it is
taking time. And that I am lucky enough to have people around me who
are supportive and giving, who are helping me out right now.
My brother has given me money, without my having to ask and with no
strings attached. My dad has done the same. And no one, not family or
friends, has once asked me why I quit my last job before securing a
new one. No one has hinted that maybe I didn't make the "best" choice.
All of these things mean so much to me. I know in my heart that I made
the right choice. I have no regrets about leaving teaching. I was not
happy. I needed change. Even though right now it would be easy to
question my decision, I do not. And I appreciate that those close to
me respect me and honor my choices.
I am feeling okay with this in between time, peaceful even. I
surrender and accept where I am. Toward the end of summer, at the
beginning of my job search, I felt lost and scared and frustrated. But
for the past few weeks, I have managed to keep this feeling of calm.
Even while working as a temp at a job where I don't use any brain
power and where I am being paid much less than I'm worth. I've been
appreciating this new experience of office work and the fact that I'm
out in the work world and bringing some money in.
Then, yesterday, I get a message from the temp agency. They have a
direct hire position that they want me to interview for. As I drive
home, my excitement grows. It's a good day. I'm smiling and singing
along with the music. Then reality hits. I actually talk to my
contact. The job is for a janatorial service, the pay is the very
bottom number that I'm willing to accept (and it's really not what I
want).
As quickly as I floated up on my cloud, I am brought crashing down. I
am hesitant. I know I don't want this job. But I don't say that. I
agree to interview. I hang up and can feel tears stinging, ready to
fall. I hold them back. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel this
uneasiness in my chest. I have come to a place of acceptance and now
it's being striped away from me. Is this what I deserve? To work in
the office of a janitorial company? I try to make myself laugh about
it, but it's too fresh to feel humorous.
This morning I called to say that I did not want to interview for the
position. And today I can laugh at the irony of the universe sending
this job to me.
I still have so many lessons to learn. I need to learn to speak up and
be honest, without being afraid of what others will think. That's one
of my biggest lessons, and perhaps that's why I'm being offered such a
job. I believe the right job is out there for me and that I need to be
patient and persistent and I will find it.
I want to end this with a quote that my brother sent to me in response
to reading my blog. I want to say thank you to everyone who has read
my blog and all of the wonderful feedback I've gotten. Already, two of
my goals for doing the blog have been accomplished: 1. I'm openly and
honestly sharing myself and 2. A connection is being made with others
that otherwise would not exist.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to
be? You are a child of the Universal Spirit. Your playing small
doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened
about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as
children do. We were born to manifest the glory of the Universal
Spirit that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's
in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the
same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others."
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