I’ve been too tired to do anything when I get home. I’m subbing at my old school, the one I left because teaching was not for me. They called last week, on a particularly lousy lunch hour, when I was questioning whether I should just walk out on yet another awful temp job. One of the teachers threw out her back and they needed to get someone in the classroom who could get the kids under control and back to work. The minute I heard the message, I knew I would take the job and I did.

It’s been five days and I love it and am worn out by it. I feel like I’m back home. All of my old students have come to greet me with excited looks of confusion, “Ms. Lottes! What are you doing back here?!” I received lots of hugs and warm welcomes from teachers and students. Parents are coming by to tell me how nice it is to see me back around campus. And yet, the feeling of overwhelming and endless responsibilities hovers around me. It is nice being there without the total accountability of being a full time teacher. I don’t have to attend meetings or write report cards or plan major lessons. But I have come home every night with a deep exhaustion. I am asleep by 8 or 9. If I try to stay up later, my body physically won’t let me. My eyes droop shut, like heavy weights are resting on them, pulling them down. This afternoon, I came home and slept for two hours, a heavy, restless sleep. The kind where I’m tossing and turning and wake up groggy and hot and disoriented.

This only affirms to me that I made the right decision. For some reason, my body is not able to handle the extreme involvement of teaching. But here I am, back where I started. Hundreds of resumes later, with no real job prospects in sight, still no job offers, hardly any calls back. I am tired of the job search. I am tired of going to (temporary) work each day and knowing that I should come home and hunting for more jobs, sending out more resumes…because nothing is bringing any results.

I know there must be some reason. I’m done feeling undeserving or like I don’t have strong qualities to offer. I know I’m smart, I know I’m hard working, I know I’ll do well in my next endeavor. But where is the next opportunity? When is it going to present itself? How long do I have to wait? I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to feel settled. I want my ideal job: a place with a warm environment where I am happy to come to work everyday and feel calm and contented, a place where the people are kind and helpful and some are like minded and will become friends, a place where I am valued and the work I do is valuable. These are the things that I ask the Spirit to send me. Everyday. I am asking everyday. Where is this job?

Anger, sadness, stress, worry…all these emotions pulse through me. And then moments of peace, where I am still. I do not want to fight where I am. But I do not want to be here anymore. I am grateful that short-term jobs are presenting themselves, keeping me somewhat afloat for now. I wait for the day when I receive the ideal job that is balanced between the constant chaos of teaching and the monotony of boring office work: a job that engages and interests me, but that does not take my energy from me (and perhaps, even gives me energy).

And so I am here, waiting…