I had a breakthrough this week. As I started my first week of weight watchers and made the decision to choose nourishing activities for myself at night, I was able to to take the time to read, to write, exercise, and have a clear and open mind. I started thinking about the process that I am in right now-a transition time in my life. I am no longer who I was just 6 months ago and I still am uncertain as to who I am becoming. The past few months I have struggled with this transition, feeling like I wanted to take the leap in becoming a new version of myself, but at the same time, not completely ready to give up all of the comfortable habits of my old self.

Then it came to me one night. I am going through the process of death. In order for my true self to come to life, I have to put my old self to rest. Inside myself, there has been a battle raging over the past half of a year. My old self is fighting to stay alive. Everyday that I crave a glass of wine when I get home from work, every time that I make a plan to go to the gym and then skip out, the nights I sit on the couch watching TV rather than choosing a more creative activity-that is my old self asserting its exsistence. Years of habit are hard to break. Even though I know that change needs to take place, change is hard. Up until this past week, my old self had been winning the battle. The changes that I wanted to make were overpowered by old addictions and routines. Then Wednesday came along...and my breakthrough happened.

I came home from work to find my boyfriend and a couple of friends watching a basketball game and drinking beer with a pizza on the way. Normally, I would have gotten myself a drink and joined in the festivities. Earlier in the day, I had told myself I would go to the gym after work. As soon as I walked in the door, I felt the conflict inside. I had just started my weight watchers program the day before, and beer and pizza were not part of the plan. As if led by a force other than myself, I went to my room, put on my gym clothes and got myself out of the house before I had the chance to talk myself out of the gym. Walking to my car, I found myself moping, wishing that I could be inside with a beer. Driving to the gym, my old self pouted about not being given permission to be as it once was. About half way there, the voice of the new me chimed in: "Once you get to the gym and work out, you are going to feel better and by the time you are done with your workout and back home, you aren't going to crave the beer or pizza. You are making the right choice. I am proud of you for making the healthy choice tonight."

And that was the shift in consciousness, the turning point. My true self had taken the lead in the battle.

Since then I have been thinking about my old self and the life I led. Before, I would have judgementally looked at this self as the bad version of me. Instead, I have been doing what you do when people die: looking back with kindness. I was a child and that part of me is dying. I was ignorant and reckless, irresponsible and destructive. I didn't know better. And I appreciate the fun and excitement that came with innocence. I have many wonderful memories from that part of my life. But now that I know better, I cannot continue leading that same life. Now that I know I have choices and that I need to be conscious and aware of my actions and the effect they have on myself and others, I must choose to be mindful. I must make the leap into adulthood.

For now, I am suspended in midair. I made the leap, but have not landed yet. For awhile, I have been looking back, not wanting it to end. Not ready to let go. But in this moment, I am focused on the vision ahead, looking forward...ready to make a landing. I know that when I do land, I will be ready to lay my old self to rest, satisfied with what I have learned from my past. And I will be ready to begin again, a new me-the true me coming to life.