I'm gearing up for a cleanse that I'll be starting this weekend. And it couldn't come at a better time. There's been so much going on this summer with out of town weddings and lots of in town guests. I'm ready to slow down my social life and take some time to refocus my energy. Back to the basics: simple eating, simple pleasures!

In addition to cleaning up my diet (by which I mean taking out refined sugar, meat, yeast, and alcohol) I will be taking some supplements to remove toxins from my body. But the part I'm most excited about is the list of nourishing activities that I've come up with so far. I plan on going to bed by 10 during the week and then waking up a half an hour early to meditate. Less TV watching, more journaling. Bubble baths, face masks, foot soaks, tea time, reading, and shopping at the farmers market are all on the agenda.

After months of working my plans to fit the needs of others, I'm looking forward to a month of my own agenda. I can make dates or weekend trips...if I want. But I am allowing myself to completely indulge in relaxing and rejuvenating, only choosing to do those activities that heal and inspire and nourish me.

How the time flies! I know it’s been too long since I’ve written here. I needed a break, some processing time, even though I didn’t really know it. After not getting in the MFA program, there was a period of flurried motion in my mind. What should I do now? Do I go with another MFA program? Should I get my Marriage Family Therapist license? What about holistic health? Reiki? Feng Shui? Interior Design? Suddenly a flood of options was drowning me. I have a lot of interests, but which one do I want to turn into a career? I filled out applications, called about financial aid, but then found myself paralyzed. I wasn’t ready to make a commitment.

That went on for about two months. Then for some reason, unplanned by me, it all stopped. I let it go. I didn’t think about what my next move should be or what I want to do with my life when I grow up or how behind I am because so many people my age have graduate degrees and are pursuing real grown up careers, while I feel like I’m floundering. It all just stopped.

Maybe because it’s summer time and it seems every weekend is filling up with activities: weddings, concerts, family in town, etc. I’ve been busy living life and enjoying life rather than constantly analyzing it. It’s been a nice change of pace.

Then yesterday, I found myself in a contemplative mood, realizing all of this. Life moves in cycles: sometimes I’m (over) analyzing to a point of driving myself crazy, other times I’m present and enjoying my life, and then there are the times that I need to go inside and explore what I’ve learned while feeling grounded. I’m at that last place right now, ready to do a little review of what’s been going on over the past few months and also do some planning for the coming months.

I do know that I want to go back to school, but I’ve let go of feeling like I need to decide this instant when I will go back and what degree I will pursue. It will come to me. I know it will. In the meantime, I need to meditate, to get clear about what I want from a future career, but also to enjoy and appreciate the present moment, where I am right now. Life is good. I am where I need to be. I will get where I need to go. I need to have faith in the process and trust myself.

I had my first patient visit today. A few months ago I started training to become a Spiritual Care Volunteer at a hospital in the city. After the initial training, I’d gone to meet with the director a couple times and shadow him on visits. Although I was nervous, I made the decision before I went in today that I would go do a visit on my own. I would have to jump in at some point, might as well be today.

The visit went well, all things considered. The patient was happy to have me, “I’m not going anywhere, please sit down. Let’s talk, what do you want to talk about? Religion? You want to tell me about religion?” I think she mistook my title as a Spiritual Care Volunteer to mean that I wanted to sell some religion to her. I redirected and got her talking about herself, her beliefs, and her time in the hospital.

I was sweating and nervous and certainly fumbled. But at the end of our conversation, when I walked out of the room, I felt a rush of energy. I had done it. Even though it made me anxious (and probably will for a while until I become more comfortable with it), I felt good when it was over.

Back in the director’s office, I told him how the visit went. He asked if I’d like to do another. “No, I think one was enough for today,” the words slipped out of my mouth before I even had time to think them through. Normally, I would have said yes, wanting to please the other person and do what I thought he wanted me to do. Instead, before I had time to think about it, I was honest.

“That’s totally fine,” the director said. “And it feels very authentic. Some people jump in and keep going even when they may not be ready. I understand that one was enough. When I was first getting into this, I would visit one patient and then go hide in the bathroom for the rest of my shift. Really. It takes time to get used to the work you’re doing.”

In a society where we are rarely transparent, especially with people we don’t know well, it is refreshing when we can tell the truth. That’s how I know that I want to continue this work. It’s one place where I go for 2-4 hours a week and know that I am having real interactions with people. And I really appreciate the director I am working with. I like that it’s okay to admit fear or nervousness and not be judged. And even beyond that, to have someone say back to me, “Hey, I’ve been there. I’ve been overwhelmed and felt that way too. Thanks for being honest.”

I walked out of the building feeling a deep spaciousness inside and at the same time fulfilled by this brief moment in my day.