Just back from lunchtime yoga. I feel that stillness inside today for the first time in over a week.

Last week I found out that I did not get into the MFA program here that I’ve been working toward and looking forward to for almost a year. It was a competitive program and I knew that going in. Yet I truly believed that one of the reasons I got the job here at USF was so that I could go back to school and get my masters doing something that I love. Ever since I got the job and found out they had a MFA Writing program and that they had tuition remission, I felt deep inside that that was going to be my path.

I had no idea how hard the loss of that dream would hit me. I had prepared for the fact that I might not get in, considering they only select 30 out of 300 applicants. But I wanted to keep my thoughts positive and imagined getting the acceptance letter and going to class after work and taking my laptop to cafes to write on the weekends. Last week, all of that positive energy and hope that I had created and cultivated was sucked out of me. The blow left me deflated, empty, negative, sad, and lost.

For the first couple days, I frantically searched the internet for all other writing programs that I might be able to go to in the area. I found many school and also learned that there are quite a few low residency programs across the country where you can get your masters through distance learning. Despite my hours pouring over the websites, I could not find the right fit. Most of the programs were way too expensive. Plus, part of the reason that I wanted to join the MFA program here was for the community of writers. I wanted to be a part of classes and lectures, discussions and readings.

I began perusing the MFT (marriage family therapist) masters in Counseling Psychology that is offered here as an option. If I’m going to do school right now, I want to take advantage of the tuition remission offered at my job. But do I want to spend three years doing coursework and an additional two years of internships before I can get my license? I don’t know. I’m not sure. And I don’t want to make a five-year commitment if I’m not certain.

All the peacefulness and giving and high frequency energy that I had been pulsating with since I returned from my trip dissipated. My mind started running wild, my allergies flared up, no matter how much rest I got I still felt worn out. At the end of last week, I told myself to slow down, that I didn’t need to make any decisions right away. Still, the deflated, stagnant energy persisted and continues to persist.

I want to snap out of it. I want to find my way back to the high of being in tune with life. I want to move forward. I want to find my center again. But I’m stuck. I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole that I slipped into with the bad news last week. Today’s yoga was a step in the right direction, a move toward coming back to my center. I know I need to give myself time and space, allowing new opportunities to arise.

I wonder why it is so hard to find my way back when I am knocked off the path. Certainly, I am stronger now in the way that I handle the roadblocks life hurls my way. I have more grace. I don’t wallow nearly as long as I used to. But it still throws me off kilter, still spins me in circles until I feel out of sync.

It’s been hard to meditate or pray or write down the things I am grateful for each day. I bet if I did these things it might make it easier to come back to my center. But I feel betrayed. Betrayed by life. And it’s hard to process and let go of that feeling. It’s hard to forgive, to accept, to trust. Trust…again it comes up. I need to trust that I will find the work that fulfills my higher purpose and not lose hope when things don’t work out according to my plans.

In my mind, I know these things, but it’s hard to live from that place of knowing. It’s hard to embody the concept of detachment. Especially when I feel like I’m ready to find work that inspires me and ignites my passion. There are quite a few forms that my life’s work could take and I’m eager to find out which one it will be. For now, I just need to settle down and know that it will happen. My purpose will be revealed to me.

Things I have given: a smile, dinner, time visiting a friend, a thank you note, coffee, an onion, an email to an old friend, helping out in an emergency situation at work, directions, flowers, and wine.

Things I have received: Ani DiFranco ticket, an extra source of income for the next few months, a kind and touching email from my dad, plans to meet with an old friend, bumping into a friend I hadn’t seen in months, a spiritual care volunteer position, help paying my taxes, means to sign up for a beginning reiki class.

I’m on day 7 of the giving challenge and am finding out a few things about giving, and myself.

First of all, I give more often than I realized (as I’m sure many of us do). Each day as I’m thinking about what I want to give, I find that I can come up with at least a couple ways that I gave already, without consciously acknowledging the gifts-asking a co-worker if I can help when I know she’s stressed out, offering a ride to my boyfriend, inviting friends over for dinner. It’s nice to recognize the small things that I do on a regular basis and bring them into my sphere of awareness.

Second, giving opens me up to receiving. I find that as I am giving, I am more receptive to receiving gifts as well. For example, last night, I went to see Ani DiFranco at the Fillmore, which was an amazing experience. Her music moved inside me, one song making me want to burst open, to honestly expose myself to others. With the arrival of the next song, I wanted to curl up under my covers and hide away for a while. Her music touches at the core of emotions that we all feel. I could feel the presence of the crowd, hanging on her every note, mesmerized.

At the end of the night, as I walked up to my apartment, I ran into my neighbor and told her about the show. She said that her partner was a big Ani fan as well and was going to see her do a live interview the following night in the city. This morning, I heard the doorbell ring at 7:30 while I was getting ready for work. I opened the door to find my neighbor, offering me her ticket to see Ani tonight because she couldn’t go. Just like that, a gift appears.

Third, being aware of giving makes me want to give more. I like giving. It’s fun to think up ways to brighten someone else’s day. By doing that, it brightens my day. While visiting a friend in the hospital over the weekend, I saw a sign for becoming a spiritual care volunteer. I emailed the contact and spoke with him today and will begin my training at the end of this month. I’m really looking forward to the gifts that will come from this volunteer position.

Last, giving makes life meaningful and brings purpose to each day. There are times when I find myself grumpily moving through my day, wondering where I’m going and what I’m doing (in that moment, and in my life in general). When I have a focus, a purpose, it makes the day more exciting: when can I give, who will I give to, where am I needed, what else can I do?

I’ve known this, but somehow, or somewhere along the way, I forgot. It’s nice to be reminded of the power of giving. Many thanks to the 29-Day Giving Challenge for helping me to remember.

In the past two days, I received two emails that mentioned the 29-Day Giving Challenge. I went to the site and read about. It sounded like a good idea, but I put in the back of my mind as something I might do later. Then yesterday, as I was waiting on the corner for my bus and looking down the street to see if it was coming, a man stepped into my line of view, trying to get my attention. I looked at him and smiled.

"How are you doing today?" he asked.

"I'm good," I smiled. "How are you?"

"My day's been okay. Thanks for your smile."

And we went our separate ways. Getting on the bus, I knew that my smile had made a difference for this man for some reason. I had given a smile. And I thought back to the 29-Day Giving Challenge. Even though my mind was resistant and wanted to put it off, it seemed my higher self wanted to make it happen anyway. While I was on the bus a young girl and her mom sat across from me. The mom was scolding the girl for not washing her face that morning. She continued reprimanding the child and criticizing her for blocks. I saw the sad eyes and blank stare on the girl's face. I continued watching them and when the girl looked up at me, I gave her a smile too. My heart beamed as I watched a big smile break out across her face. She kept on looking back at me, smiling, until it we reached my stop and it was time for me to get off.

And so I have begun the challenge. I haven't given yet today and don't know what it is that I'll give, but I know that it will be something before the day is over.

Think about signing up: http://givingchallenge.ning.com/

The world could use more giving.