Last night I had my final meeting with Alice. It's crazy how quickly a year can go by. When the end of our first 6 months came upon us, I knew I was not ready to stop working with her. I had not met many of the goals that I had set out for myself upon entering the program:

1. finding a new job
2. losing weight
3. creating an exercise routine
4. learning to eat healthier

As I look over this list, I can see that I have met my goals and then some. Driving over to Fruition, my mind focused on all that I had accomplished in the past year. Alice helped me to get very clear about what it was that I wanted in a job. Once I had found the key characteristics that I was looking for, she helped me to put them into positive affirmations. (Instead of saying "I don't want to feel drained at the end of the day" it became "I want a job that engages me and gives me energy"). Then I would ask for these things everyday. The job that I now have is exactly what I asked for: a warm, friendly environment that I look forward to coming to each day, working with people who are helpful and kind, making the amount of money I want, I am in the city (just a 10 minute bus ride from home), and the job provides flexibility. Beyond what I asked for, there is a gym on campus, so I can exercise after work. And they will pay for my education when I decide to get my Master's degree (which I have been thinking about and will hopefully begin next summer). When I said these things out loud last night, Alice and I were giddy with excitement and really in awe of the fact that, even though it took time, I got everything I wanted and more!

My weight is dropping and I am about halfway to my ideal weight. I've been to the acupuncturist (one of my rewards for making it to a certain weight), which was amazing. The difference between this Eastern version of medicine versus Western doctors really struck me. The acupuncturist sat with me for 30-40 minutes talking about my health-any and all conditions from physical to emotional. Usually doctors are in such a hurry that I don't even give them all of my physical symptoms before they've prescribed a bottle of pills and sent me on my way. At the end of this discussion, she came to the conclusion that I had a spleen deficiency and so put the needles along the meridian lines that would move energy blocks to and from this area. While laying on the table with the needles in me, an eye pillow resting over my eyes, and soft beach sounds playing in the background, I had a tranforming meditative experience. For about 20 minutes, I lay there with thoughts gently running through my mind. I wasn't frustrated that my mind wouldn't get quiet. I just watched my thoughts. After that I slipped into a state where I saw colorful visions playing on my mind's screen. A bright, fiery ball of yellow that sizzled downward. Flashes of blue flames. Pieces of a vivid drawing that looked like a tattoo on someone's arm. They would come and go. When it came time to come back into reality, I took the eye pillow off and there was soft, beautiful, blurred white light flowing into the room. The entire event was refreshing.

I am starting to look toward my next weight loss reward: a tattoo of the chakras going up my spine. I have an artist in mind and we are in the process of finding a time to meet. I came up with the idea months ago, but knew that it needed to be a symbol of growth and that I would get it once I felt that something (anything, everything) had shifted in me. I am at that place now. I want to get it done before my birthday in May, since I really feel like this year, my 27th year, has been the year of change. I'll send pictures once it's done!

Needless to say, upon coming to the final session this time around, Alice and I both knew I had come to the end, even though the end is really a new beginning for me.

I do not have the motivation or the inspiration or whatever the word is that I am looking for…to write right now. Which is why I am making myself do this. I am sitting in my very own office at my new job looking out the window at the steady rain that falls, dripping off the branches and leaves that frame my window. I am lucky. So much has gone on and is going on inside…yet I am finding it hard to put words on paper or even formulate thoughts in my mind. I don’t know what I want to write about or what I have to say. And this is why I start here, because this is where I am.

I have nothing else to do right now, so why am I resisting writing? Ah, there it is: resistance. Lately I find that many of the things I resist are exactly the things I need. For example, I had a cooking class a couple weeks ago and didn’t want to go after I got home from work. I knew that once I got there it would give me just the right combination of calmness and energy. But still I did not want to go. My mind started trying to find reasons not to go. The car brakes are squeaking, maybe it’s unsafe to drive. I’m tired; maybe I’m getting sick and should stay home and rest. Even as I drove down the street, forcing myself to go, I tried one last attempt at skipping out. If I wasn’t going to give myself permission to miss class, maybe someone else would. I called Eddie, using the squeaky brake excuse. He didn’t buy into it and so I made my way to cooking class.

I watched myself doing this: creating excuses, actively resisting an activity that I knew would be enjoyable and healing for me. Why am I so unwilling to do the things that are in my best interest? But somehow, I managed to get to where I needed to be and had a wonderful cooking class. There was an openness and understanding and community with all of the women. So many great conversations and realizations took place throughout the night. When I left, again I questioned, Why do I fight coming to cooking classes or going to yoga? Even on nights when I am tired or crabby or hungry (especially on those nights)…making my way to cooking or yoga is the best thing I can do for myself. I always leave feeling energized and supported and balanced.

It’s still a day-by-day process, a struggle to get myself to follow through with activities that fill me up (rather than falling back into old habits that deplete me-laying on the couch staring at the TV with a glass of wine). I’d say I’m at the 50/50 mark right now. Half of the time I choose old patterns that take from me and the other half I spend creating new, healthier habits. And no matter what choice I make, I am aware each time that I have a choice and consciously choose.

Choice is empowering. It gives me ownership and holds me accountable for my life. I like realizing that I have choices (even when I make ones that deplete me) and that I don’t feel like things are just “happening” to me. For many years, I lived in that place of being a victim. Everything happened to me rather than me making choices to create the life I wanted.

But back to resistance-I know that whatever I am resisting is exactly what I need to explore. I know those places of resistance are a guide, leading me down paths where I can learn something about myself. Generally, the resistance comes from a place of uneasiness or unknowing and it makes me open myself up a little bit deeper and stretch my limits further. Often I don’t want to do that. I want to stay in my comfort zone. Yet once I step out and release myself from constricted boundaries, amazing discoveries await me on the other side. And I am learning to let a fear and uneasiness into my comfort zone, accepting them as coaches that push me to the next level of understanding in my journey.