As the year comes to a close, it brings up thoughts of how the past year was spent and how to improve ourselves in the year to come. I’ve never been big on New Year’s Resolutions. I suppose because even the few years that I came up with some, I never really followed through on them.

This year feels different. I feel like I want to create a ritual to acknowledge this past year and set intentions for the upcoming year. I’ve already spent some time thinking and writing in my journal about this. I can honestly say that this year has been one in which I have made the most growth as a person. I look back to January, and see the place that I was at then compared to where I am now, and so much progress has been made.

I started out 2006 by being honest, admitting that I didn’t want to teach. From there, it seemed that the Spirit began guiding me: through the Artist’s Way, into my health program, reconnecting with yoga and myself, beginning to meditate. It’s hard to explain on paper the difference in my being, my self. Recently, I have really begun to notice how much more aware I am of my mind and thoughts, how I am able to watch what I am thinking and really turn my thoughts around when they falter back into old thought patterns. I feel the most mentally and emotionally healthy that I ever have. For all of these gifts, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have had this year to discover and realize who I really am.

When I think of my family and this past year, there are so many thoughts that come to mind. It has been a challenging and rewarding years in so many ways and for so many of us. Through moves and job changes and death and heartbreak, each difficult situation seemed to bring different people together to connect in new ways. To me, it seems we are uniting in a more open and honest way.

I want to tell Tiffany that I admire her courage for embarking on a solo journey to Thailand, in search of finding peace within herself. Katie, your strength and endurance in going through more surgeries without complaint amazes me. To Kels, I congratulate you on making your way through the tumultuous times of high school. Know that it is almost over, and you will be on to bigger and better things! You have many new experiences ahead of you and I am excited for your next stage of life. Trevor and Porsha, I have seen so many transformations take place this year. I am proud of your commitment and perseverance. Mom, through moves and new jobs and losing your mom, this has been a year of changes. But I have seen a more peaceful and accepting side of you.

As for 2007, my intentions are to continue with what I have been doing: searching, discovering, listening, paying attention, learning, and accepting. I want to deepen my yoga practice, as well as my work with meditation. I plan to continue my current health program and add to it when I feel it necessary (I will be going to an acupuncturist in January and will see where that leads). I think my biggest, most challenging intention for the new year is to meet new people and allow myself to be open and honest in these interactions. I have hidden my social side in many ways since moving to San Francisco. I feel ready to open up that part of me again, letting new people deeply into my life, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I look back at this year with much gratitude and appreciation. I know that this will stick out in my memory as an important time of life. In looking forward, I feel a strong positive energy. Things will continue to evolve and deepen. I am excited and ready for what lies ahead. And as for this moment, I am grateful for the space I have carved out inside of me that can quietly accept (with a smile) just being right here, right now.

I’ve been too tired to do anything when I get home. I’m subbing at my old school, the one I left because teaching was not for me. They called last week, on a particularly lousy lunch hour, when I was questioning whether I should just walk out on yet another awful temp job. One of the teachers threw out her back and they needed to get someone in the classroom who could get the kids under control and back to work. The minute I heard the message, I knew I would take the job and I did.

It’s been five days and I love it and am worn out by it. I feel like I’m back home. All of my old students have come to greet me with excited looks of confusion, “Ms. Lottes! What are you doing back here?!” I received lots of hugs and warm welcomes from teachers and students. Parents are coming by to tell me how nice it is to see me back around campus. And yet, the feeling of overwhelming and endless responsibilities hovers around me. It is nice being there without the total accountability of being a full time teacher. I don’t have to attend meetings or write report cards or plan major lessons. But I have come home every night with a deep exhaustion. I am asleep by 8 or 9. If I try to stay up later, my body physically won’t let me. My eyes droop shut, like heavy weights are resting on them, pulling them down. This afternoon, I came home and slept for two hours, a heavy, restless sleep. The kind where I’m tossing and turning and wake up groggy and hot and disoriented.

This only affirms to me that I made the right decision. For some reason, my body is not able to handle the extreme involvement of teaching. But here I am, back where I started. Hundreds of resumes later, with no real job prospects in sight, still no job offers, hardly any calls back. I am tired of the job search. I am tired of going to (temporary) work each day and knowing that I should come home and hunting for more jobs, sending out more resumes…because nothing is bringing any results.

I know there must be some reason. I’m done feeling undeserving or like I don’t have strong qualities to offer. I know I’m smart, I know I’m hard working, I know I’ll do well in my next endeavor. But where is the next opportunity? When is it going to present itself? How long do I have to wait? I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to feel settled. I want my ideal job: a place with a warm environment where I am happy to come to work everyday and feel calm and contented, a place where the people are kind and helpful and some are like minded and will become friends, a place where I am valued and the work I do is valuable. These are the things that I ask the Spirit to send me. Everyday. I am asking everyday. Where is this job?

Anger, sadness, stress, worry…all these emotions pulse through me. And then moments of peace, where I am still. I do not want to fight where I am. But I do not want to be here anymore. I am grateful that short-term jobs are presenting themselves, keeping me somewhat afloat for now. I wait for the day when I receive the ideal job that is balanced between the constant chaos of teaching and the monotony of boring office work: a job that engages and interests me, but that does not take my energy from me (and perhaps, even gives me energy).

And so I am here, waiting…