Los Amigos Hostel in Flores
Friday, March 14, 2008
After my detox session last night, I was feeling pretty good this morning. The shuttle picked me up at 3 in the morning, along with six other passengers and we made our way to Guatemala City. I thought that all of the other people would be going on the same trip I was, but instead we dropped two people at the airport, then another two at this tiny little plane, and the last two on a road by a bus. It was still dark out at five in the morning and I was the last person in the shuttle. Where would he take me? Would I have to wait on the side of the road until six when the bus would leave for Flores? The driver turned a corner and pulled up behind a charter bus. This was my stop. Luckily I was able to get on the bus and wait there (rather than the side of the road). Slowly, light seeped through the darkness, people began boarding the bus and the time came to head out.
Now, in my mind, I figured that the bus would pretty much be a straight shot to Flores. We'd stop in the three or four towns listed on the ticket to pick up and drop off passengers. Not quite the way it worked out! There was the bus driver, along with two men who stood in the doorway of the bus. As we made our way out of the city, we stopped every block it seemed to pick up anyone who made some slight gesture on the street. Sometimes we didn't actually stop but just slowed down and the guys in the doorway would help hoist someone into the bus. Or they would jump off the bus and take baggage that needed to be stored underneath, then they would run along side the bus and hop back on. This went on for a good half hour before we left the city and continued along a quiet, windy road.
Across the aisle from me were a mother and son who had gotten on the bus right after I did. The boy was about ten or eleven and kept looking over at me and smiling. I looked over at him as we whipped around corners and moved into the lane of oncoming traffic to try and pass another car. He had a plastic bag out and was throwing up into it. The poor thing was sick for the next three hours and continued to throw up until they reached their stop and got off.
Once we got through the first two hours, we came upon a small town. The bus stopped to let people off and on came a woman with homemade tamales and fried chicken with tortillas. They walked down the aisle, selling food as the bus continued on its way. A few miles down the road, when all bellies were satisfied, the bus pulled over and the woman got off. This is how the trip continued for the next six hours. We drove through dense jungle areas, passing concrete homes without doors or wooden shacks with a clothesline running through the trees. If someone needed to get off the bus, they let the doorkeepers know and we pulled over to let them off. If someone was on the side of the road and waved us down, we stopped to pick them up. The bus driver was smiling and honking and waving as we forged ahead. People were talking and laughing, getting up to talk with the doorkeepers, arranging where they would be dropped off.
I watched all of this from the sidelines, with a big smile on my face. Who knew an 8 hour bus ride could be this entertaining? When things quieted down on the bus, I would focus on the scenery outside. Guatemala is a beautiful country...green and lush and alive.
When I finally arrived in Flores, things spiraled downward and out of control quickly. Within the first ten minutes I had spent all of the money I had on my hostel and a sunrise tour of Tikal the following day. My guidebook and the map at the hostel showed that there weren't any ATMs in Flores and that the nearest one was in the next town over, Santa Elena. It was just about a mile away. I had not eaten all day, it was about 95 degrees outside, and I had no water and no money. Before I even crossed the bridge out of Flores, sweat was pouring out of me and I felt lightheaded. Every bank I stopped in told me to keep walking a few more blocks to the ATM. I powered on down the street, past all the dirty looks and stare downs I was getting. Two miles later, I got there, swiped my card and saw the words "out of order". I turned to walk back, defeated. The tears stung at my eyes, my mind frantically ran off in a million directions. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way back to Flores.
I stopped at a little cafe once I was back and asked the woman in a shaky voice if she spoke English. She did. I was too tired to attempt asking for what I needed in Spanish. I explained what had happened and asked if there were any other ATM that she knew of.
"Oh, there's one right down the block, here in Flores."
Deep breath...what's the lesson here, Great Goddess? I sheepishly walked the two blocks to the ATM.
Had I asked stopped to ask someone before running off on this wild goose chase, I could have avoided all of this. Another theme in my life...I don't like to ask for help. I don't want to look "stupid" or bother anyone, so I just figure things out on my own. Yet, how much wasted energy would I have saved if I had asked someone at the hostel about an ATM in town? Sometimes I need help and I need to learn to ask for it.
Alright, Great Goddess, I see the lesson. I know that before the trip, I asked that you would show me the things that I needed to learn from the trip and that I would be open to receiving them. I still want that, but could you also be gentle with me from now on? Please, be gentle with me.
Now, in my mind, I figured that the bus would pretty much be a straight shot to Flores. We'd stop in the three or four towns listed on the ticket to pick up and drop off passengers. Not quite the way it worked out! There was the bus driver, along with two men who stood in the doorway of the bus. As we made our way out of the city, we stopped every block it seemed to pick up anyone who made some slight gesture on the street. Sometimes we didn't actually stop but just slowed down and the guys in the doorway would help hoist someone into the bus. Or they would jump off the bus and take baggage that needed to be stored underneath, then they would run along side the bus and hop back on. This went on for a good half hour before we left the city and continued along a quiet, windy road.
Across the aisle from me were a mother and son who had gotten on the bus right after I did. The boy was about ten or eleven and kept looking over at me and smiling. I looked over at him as we whipped around corners and moved into the lane of oncoming traffic to try and pass another car. He had a plastic bag out and was throwing up into it. The poor thing was sick for the next three hours and continued to throw up until they reached their stop and got off.
Once we got through the first two hours, we came upon a small town. The bus stopped to let people off and on came a woman with homemade tamales and fried chicken with tortillas. They walked down the aisle, selling food as the bus continued on its way. A few miles down the road, when all bellies were satisfied, the bus pulled over and the woman got off. This is how the trip continued for the next six hours. We drove through dense jungle areas, passing concrete homes without doors or wooden shacks with a clothesline running through the trees. If someone needed to get off the bus, they let the doorkeepers know and we pulled over to let them off. If someone was on the side of the road and waved us down, we stopped to pick them up. The bus driver was smiling and honking and waving as we forged ahead. People were talking and laughing, getting up to talk with the doorkeepers, arranging where they would be dropped off.
I watched all of this from the sidelines, with a big smile on my face. Who knew an 8 hour bus ride could be this entertaining? When things quieted down on the bus, I would focus on the scenery outside. Guatemala is a beautiful country...green and lush and alive.
When I finally arrived in Flores, things spiraled downward and out of control quickly. Within the first ten minutes I had spent all of the money I had on my hostel and a sunrise tour of Tikal the following day. My guidebook and the map at the hostel showed that there weren't any ATMs in Flores and that the nearest one was in the next town over, Santa Elena. It was just about a mile away. I had not eaten all day, it was about 95 degrees outside, and I had no water and no money. Before I even crossed the bridge out of Flores, sweat was pouring out of me and I felt lightheaded. Every bank I stopped in told me to keep walking a few more blocks to the ATM. I powered on down the street, past all the dirty looks and stare downs I was getting. Two miles later, I got there, swiped my card and saw the words "out of order". I turned to walk back, defeated. The tears stung at my eyes, my mind frantically ran off in a million directions. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way back to Flores.
I stopped at a little cafe once I was back and asked the woman in a shaky voice if she spoke English. She did. I was too tired to attempt asking for what I needed in Spanish. I explained what had happened and asked if there were any other ATM that she knew of.
"Oh, there's one right down the block, here in Flores."
Deep breath...what's the lesson here, Great Goddess? I sheepishly walked the two blocks to the ATM.
Had I asked stopped to ask someone before running off on this wild goose chase, I could have avoided all of this. Another theme in my life...I don't like to ask for help. I don't want to look "stupid" or bother anyone, so I just figure things out on my own. Yet, how much wasted energy would I have saved if I had asked someone at the hostel about an ATM in town? Sometimes I need help and I need to learn to ask for it.
Alright, Great Goddess, I see the lesson. I know that before the trip, I asked that you would show me the things that I needed to learn from the trip and that I would be open to receiving them. I still want that, but could you also be gentle with me from now on? Please, be gentle with me.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I love the cobble stone streets of Antigua (although they're nicer to look at than to walk on) and the bright colored traditional dress of the Guatemalan women, who smile up at me as they pass by on the streets. The markets are different than I expected. I thought they would be outdoors, like a street fair or swap meet. But they are indoors, in open warehouse style rooms, full of textiles and handicrafts. The vendors follow me around, each one asking "algo especial"...anything special? Every corner I turn, it seems there's another church. I think I counted 38 in my guidebook. And the town is only something like 10 blocks by 10 blocks. Volcan Agua and hillsides full of trees surround the city streets. Groups of school children walk in pairs down the sidewalk, dressed in their catholic uniforms. And the thing that cracks me up the most are the young kids (I swear some were only 10 or 11) making out passionately...on a park bench, on a chain-link fence, while walking down the street! It makes me smile every time!
At the end of today, I am feeling exhausted...and sad. A lot of energy has been building up in me with the traveling, not a lot of sleep, heightened emotions, worry, fear, etc. I had a great day, walking through the city, visiting the ruins at the Church of San Francisco, eating a pupusa from a street vendor, buying snacks from the tienda for my 8 hour bus ride tomorrow. But now that I am back in my room at night, there is nothing but time to think.
I guess my struggle right now is that I came on this trip wanting to test myself: to prove that I am strong and independent. Each day that I am here, I realize that I can do this. I can travel alone. I can get by. But now the question: Do I want to? Being alone gives me a lot of time to think and contemplate and so for now, I am doing that. However, I don't know that I'd do it again. Does traveling by myself make me independent and strong? Not on its own. I suppose it's one way to show those characteristics, but it doesn't prove anything. And the bottom line is that I don't think long journeys on my own are "me". I know I CAN do them, but don't necessarily want to in the future.
That's where I am right now...realizing, recognizing that I don't have anyone to prove anything to. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to acknowledge that I like have someone else with me. It helps me feel safe and less worried, which in turn makes the trip easier to enjoy. Traveling in this way is mentally and emotionally draining on me. I think for some people, the unknown is exciting and freeing. You can go anywhere, do anything. For me, it's stressful. During the day, I'm in the moment, enjoying and taking in the city with all of my senses. But now, I'm getting worried about tomorrow. Bus connections, hoping I get to Flores before dark and that I find a place to stay. I know I need to trust. The universe provides, I will be taken care. I do believe, but have to keep practicing.
For the past hour, I've been trying to get myself into a calm state. I did yoga, stretching out my body, releasing some of the tension. Then alternating between crying and meditating (and crying while meditating). I couldn't seem to get my mind to quiet down. I just wanted to find a piece of calm before going to bed. I went into child's pose, and asked the Earth's core to be a magnet and attract all of the negative and stressful energy out of my body. I lay there for a half an hour, letting it all drain out. My breathing slowed, as did my mind. A mild peace came over me and I felt ready for bed. And so I will sleep now and wake up refreshed and ready to take on a new day.
At the end of today, I am feeling exhausted...and sad. A lot of energy has been building up in me with the traveling, not a lot of sleep, heightened emotions, worry, fear, etc. I had a great day, walking through the city, visiting the ruins at the Church of San Francisco, eating a pupusa from a street vendor, buying snacks from the tienda for my 8 hour bus ride tomorrow. But now that I am back in my room at night, there is nothing but time to think.
I guess my struggle right now is that I came on this trip wanting to test myself: to prove that I am strong and independent. Each day that I am here, I realize that I can do this. I can travel alone. I can get by. But now the question: Do I want to? Being alone gives me a lot of time to think and contemplate and so for now, I am doing that. However, I don't know that I'd do it again. Does traveling by myself make me independent and strong? Not on its own. I suppose it's one way to show those characteristics, but it doesn't prove anything. And the bottom line is that I don't think long journeys on my own are "me". I know I CAN do them, but don't necessarily want to in the future.
That's where I am right now...realizing, recognizing that I don't have anyone to prove anything to. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to acknowledge that I like have someone else with me. It helps me feel safe and less worried, which in turn makes the trip easier to enjoy. Traveling in this way is mentally and emotionally draining on me. I think for some people, the unknown is exciting and freeing. You can go anywhere, do anything. For me, it's stressful. During the day, I'm in the moment, enjoying and taking in the city with all of my senses. But now, I'm getting worried about tomorrow. Bus connections, hoping I get to Flores before dark and that I find a place to stay. I know I need to trust. The universe provides, I will be taken care. I do believe, but have to keep practicing.
For the past hour, I've been trying to get myself into a calm state. I did yoga, stretching out my body, releasing some of the tension. Then alternating between crying and meditating (and crying while meditating). I couldn't seem to get my mind to quiet down. I just wanted to find a piece of calm before going to bed. I went into child's pose, and asked the Earth's core to be a magnet and attract all of the negative and stressful energy out of my body. I lay there for a half an hour, letting it all drain out. My breathing slowed, as did my mind. A mild peace came over me and I felt ready for bed. And so I will sleep now and wake up refreshed and ready to take on a new day.
I saw my reflection in the rotating door of the San Francisco Airport, as I walked in. I saw fear. I held back tears as I made my way toward the check in desk, carrying all my belongings for the next two weeks on my back.
As I prepared for this trip, I prayed and meditated a lot. I had asked Great Goddess to help me be open, to give me signs and that I would listen and look for the lessons that I needed to learn while on this journey. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I felt excitement and was surprised by the lack of nervousness and worry (which used to be standard for me). It wasn’t until the car ride to the airport that my stomach clamped and I found my breath catching in my throat. Tears welled up and I pushed them back. Nervousness and fear took hold. A quick hug and kiss by the side of the car and then I turned toward the door. I was on my own now.
When I reached the counter, the woman asked my final destination.
“Guatemala,” I told her.
“Oh, I’m from Guatemala. What part are you going to?” she smiled at me. Thank you Great Goddess for this first sign, this small comfort as I begin my journey. I told her where I was going and asked where in Guatemala she was from. Punta Barrios, a city I wouldn’t be visiting but I recognized the name and knew what part of the country it was in. I spent a lot of time looking at maps and planning out a route for this trip.
My initial plan was much more ambitious than the final version. Originally, I wanted to visit four countries and probably 10 cities in the span of 18 days. Gradually, I trimmed down a city here, a country there, until finally I had two countries and 7 cities on the agenda. In the end, I did two countries and 4 cities, which satisfied me.
After 12 hours of flying and waiting in airports, I arrived in Guatemala City. Everything went smoothly…. getting my bags, checking with the tourist info booth to find out where I could get a ride to Antigua, walking out and finding a shuttle within minutes. The driver of the shuttle introduced himself as Eduardo, which I took as another good sign, since it was the same name as my boyfriend. Waiting in the shuttle for other passengers, Eduardo and I got to talking. When asked if I could speak Spanish, I told him “un pocito”. As he began asking about my travel plans, I found that I could converse in Spanish better than expected, which made me smile.
A second girl got in the bus after about 15 minutes and then we waited another two hours before heading for Antigua. In between talking with my new acquaintance from Australia, I felt the familiar pangs of worry flow in waves throughout my body. The sun was starting to set, I was still an hour from Antigua, and I didn’t have a place to stay. I didn’t want to arrive after dark, not knowing where I was going. I tried to resist the urge to scold myself for not at least booking my first night in advance. I kept reminding myself to breathe and asking the Great Goddess to help me easily find a place to stay when I got to Antigua. That prayer was answered when the first hostel I tried happened to have an open bed. Tired from my 24 plus hours of travel, I fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning I was tested again. I got up early and wanted to find a hostel for the night, since where I was staying didn’t have any availability. I had to leave there by noon, so I got started around 8. I took my guidebook and began roaming the streets of Antigua, trying to find my sense of direction. I stopped by a church and meditated and gave thanks for my safe arrival and finding a place to stay on my first night. I made my way to the town center, stopping off at a few markets to browse. I was making my way toward some of the hostels that were listed, but the streets weren’t always clearly labeled and after an hour or so, I couldn’t seem to find any of the places that I was looking for. At ten, a shock of panic coursed through me. I stopped right where I was and said a prayer to Great Goddess (and Archangel Gabriel, who I thought I had recently read helped with directions) asking that I be able to quickly find one of the hostels listed in my guidebook. I literally turned the corner and ran into my top choice. I walked in and they had a private room available.
And so my lesson for this trip became clear to me: I need to let go of control, fear, worry and learn to trust, to have faith. I spend a lot of my time worrying and then playing into my irrational fears, letting them run wild. Now it is time to start trusting that the universe is watching over me and I will be taken care of. I do not need to waste my time living in fear, trying to control everything that will happen. Instead, I need to release and melt into the lap of the Great Goddess, knowing that she will take care of me.
As I prepared for this trip, I prayed and meditated a lot. I had asked Great Goddess to help me be open, to give me signs and that I would listen and look for the lessons that I needed to learn while on this journey. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I felt excitement and was surprised by the lack of nervousness and worry (which used to be standard for me). It wasn’t until the car ride to the airport that my stomach clamped and I found my breath catching in my throat. Tears welled up and I pushed them back. Nervousness and fear took hold. A quick hug and kiss by the side of the car and then I turned toward the door. I was on my own now.
When I reached the counter, the woman asked my final destination.
“Guatemala,” I told her.
“Oh, I’m from Guatemala. What part are you going to?” she smiled at me. Thank you Great Goddess for this first sign, this small comfort as I begin my journey. I told her where I was going and asked where in Guatemala she was from. Punta Barrios, a city I wouldn’t be visiting but I recognized the name and knew what part of the country it was in. I spent a lot of time looking at maps and planning out a route for this trip.
My initial plan was much more ambitious than the final version. Originally, I wanted to visit four countries and probably 10 cities in the span of 18 days. Gradually, I trimmed down a city here, a country there, until finally I had two countries and 7 cities on the agenda. In the end, I did two countries and 4 cities, which satisfied me.
After 12 hours of flying and waiting in airports, I arrived in Guatemala City. Everything went smoothly…. getting my bags, checking with the tourist info booth to find out where I could get a ride to Antigua, walking out and finding a shuttle within minutes. The driver of the shuttle introduced himself as Eduardo, which I took as another good sign, since it was the same name as my boyfriend. Waiting in the shuttle for other passengers, Eduardo and I got to talking. When asked if I could speak Spanish, I told him “un pocito”. As he began asking about my travel plans, I found that I could converse in Spanish better than expected, which made me smile.
A second girl got in the bus after about 15 minutes and then we waited another two hours before heading for Antigua. In between talking with my new acquaintance from Australia, I felt the familiar pangs of worry flow in waves throughout my body. The sun was starting to set, I was still an hour from Antigua, and I didn’t have a place to stay. I didn’t want to arrive after dark, not knowing where I was going. I tried to resist the urge to scold myself for not at least booking my first night in advance. I kept reminding myself to breathe and asking the Great Goddess to help me easily find a place to stay when I got to Antigua. That prayer was answered when the first hostel I tried happened to have an open bed. Tired from my 24 plus hours of travel, I fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning I was tested again. I got up early and wanted to find a hostel for the night, since where I was staying didn’t have any availability. I had to leave there by noon, so I got started around 8. I took my guidebook and began roaming the streets of Antigua, trying to find my sense of direction. I stopped by a church and meditated and gave thanks for my safe arrival and finding a place to stay on my first night. I made my way to the town center, stopping off at a few markets to browse. I was making my way toward some of the hostels that were listed, but the streets weren’t always clearly labeled and after an hour or so, I couldn’t seem to find any of the places that I was looking for. At ten, a shock of panic coursed through me. I stopped right where I was and said a prayer to Great Goddess (and Archangel Gabriel, who I thought I had recently read helped with directions) asking that I be able to quickly find one of the hostels listed in my guidebook. I literally turned the corner and ran into my top choice. I walked in and they had a private room available.
And so my lesson for this trip became clear to me: I need to let go of control, fear, worry and learn to trust, to have faith. I spend a lot of my time worrying and then playing into my irrational fears, letting them run wild. Now it is time to start trusting that the universe is watching over me and I will be taken care of. I do not need to waste my time living in fear, trying to control everything that will happen. Instead, I need to release and melt into the lap of the Great Goddess, knowing that she will take care of me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Already there's so much to say. I made it through the first part of my trip and am in Guadalajara, Mexico waiting for my flight to Mexico City and then on to Guatemala City. So far it's been very smooth.
Walking down the airport hallway, surrounded by gray, part of me wanted to run back outside and have Eddie take me back to the safety of home. A lump rose in my throat and I felt nauseous. Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I held them back. I asked the universe to send me peace. I managed to get to my gate with two hours to spare. I put on Cat Power and the melodies soothed me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. By the time I moved onto Norah Jones, I felt calm (or at least, calmer). I dozed for a bit before boarding the plane at one in the morning.
Once on board I had the nice surprise of the entire row to myself. I said a quick prayer of thanks. Upon landing in Guadalajara, the immigration line was long and slow moving with the echoes of a screaming two year old. After fifteen minutes, the flight attendant came around and said that if we were going to Mexico City to follow her. She took us right to the front of the line and then she directed us to our connecting flight. All in all, it's been an effortless adventure.
Now, here I am, waiting for the next plane. It's seven here. The feeling of rushing to a pay phone and calling Eddie isn't subsiding. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, that I would feel so much safer having him with me. But that's what this trip is about: facing fear. I don't want to be scared of the world. And I don't want to live my life safely inside my comfort zone because I'm too afraid to step outside of it. While I do (deeply) wish Eddie was with me, I also know that this is something that I need to do on my own and that the trip would have a different meaning if he were here (it would be fabulous, but I wouldn't be testing myself and expanding beyond my boundaries).
I do feel very lucky and blessed that I have Eddie in my life. I know he'll be there throughout the trip, waiting for me to check in and that I have him to return to when this trip is done. There is a comfort in that that fills me with love and appreciation. I don't feel sick or scared like I did in those first few moments in the SF airport. I am slightly anxious...wanting to be at the Guatemala airport and get my bag and find a shuttle to Antigua and know that I have a place to stay once I get there. Worry, worry...but I'm trying to breath, to meditate, to trust.
Walking down the airport hallway, surrounded by gray, part of me wanted to run back outside and have Eddie take me back to the safety of home. A lump rose in my throat and I felt nauseous. Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I held them back. I asked the universe to send me peace. I managed to get to my gate with two hours to spare. I put on Cat Power and the melodies soothed me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. By the time I moved onto Norah Jones, I felt calm (or at least, calmer). I dozed for a bit before boarding the plane at one in the morning.
Once on board I had the nice surprise of the entire row to myself. I said a quick prayer of thanks. Upon landing in Guadalajara, the immigration line was long and slow moving with the echoes of a screaming two year old. After fifteen minutes, the flight attendant came around and said that if we were going to Mexico City to follow her. She took us right to the front of the line and then she directed us to our connecting flight. All in all, it's been an effortless adventure.
Now, here I am, waiting for the next plane. It's seven here. The feeling of rushing to a pay phone and calling Eddie isn't subsiding. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, that I would feel so much safer having him with me. But that's what this trip is about: facing fear. I don't want to be scared of the world. And I don't want to live my life safely inside my comfort zone because I'm too afraid to step outside of it. While I do (deeply) wish Eddie was with me, I also know that this is something that I need to do on my own and that the trip would have a different meaning if he were here (it would be fabulous, but I wouldn't be testing myself and expanding beyond my boundaries).
I do feel very lucky and blessed that I have Eddie in my life. I know he'll be there throughout the trip, waiting for me to check in and that I have him to return to when this trip is done. There is a comfort in that that fills me with love and appreciation. I don't feel sick or scared like I did in those first few moments in the SF airport. I am slightly anxious...wanting to be at the Guatemala airport and get my bag and find a shuttle to Antigua and know that I have a place to stay once I get there. Worry, worry...but I'm trying to breath, to meditate, to trust.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
we flow now,
moving through our life,
with an ease
a smooth surface,
occasional ripples
the comfort that only comes
from truly knowing another
by taking the time
to wade through the tough stuff
rather than drifting apart
water wearing down rocks
running over the grooves
into the guts of who we are
rubbing against and refining the shape of our relationship
washing away pieces we didn’t need
and healing those places
where we hurt each other deeply
acknowledging and apologizing when necessary
calmly carrying us toward understanding
and so we have this life
together
one that has been cut and carved out
by the surge of our streams merging
through a shared language
of smooches and birdies and love your face
a smile that conveys the silent “I love you”
a knowing touch
and even the heated words
followed by a gentle embrace
we flow side by side
your strong and steady stream of life
coursing next to my current of consciousness
before swirling together
and then parting again
strong enough to run on our own
but stronger still when supported by one another
we spill over with love
moving through our life,
with an ease
a smooth surface,
occasional ripples
the comfort that only comes
from truly knowing another
by taking the time
to wade through the tough stuff
rather than drifting apart
water wearing down rocks
running over the grooves
into the guts of who we are
rubbing against and refining the shape of our relationship
washing away pieces we didn’t need
and healing those places
where we hurt each other deeply
acknowledging and apologizing when necessary
calmly carrying us toward understanding
and so we have this life
together
one that has been cut and carved out
by the surge of our streams merging
through a shared language
of smooches and birdies and love your face
a smile that conveys the silent “I love you”
a knowing touch
and even the heated words
followed by a gentle embrace
we flow side by side
your strong and steady stream of life
coursing next to my current of consciousness
before swirling together
and then parting again
strong enough to run on our own
but stronger still when supported by one another
we spill over with love
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
After months of meditation and prayer, I have finally come up with an address for my prayers that feels right in my heart. When I first started praying, I would send the prayers out to the universe, which at times felt right, but at other times felt too expansive, too impersonal. I've been reading a lot of books about different goddesses and feel a connection to many of them. I feel like goddesses live within me, but can also be their own entity outside of me. And so, I have started sending my prayers to the Great Goddess. I imagine a mother figure, with a large lap where I can lay my head and a strong body that I can lean against. She is grand and fleshy and womanly. She can handle all of the thoughts, fears, and emotions that I bring to her. She is gentle, compassionate, and understanding. She wipes tears away, rocks me in her lap, and strokes my hair when I need comfort. She is firm with me as she guides me along this path toward living as my highest self.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Air, relationships. Without them, we can’t breathe. This year I learned to inhale deeply, into my chest, into my heart. And inside my heart, live many beautiful relationships.
When thinking about the air element, relationships, and the heart chakra this week, I found myself uncertain where to begin. I haven’t really made any new friendships, which as I’ve written before, is something that I desire. But as I gave myself more time and space to think and meditate on the relationships that have come into my life, what relationships have deepened, what relationships have faded…then I found that there was a lot of progress made on relationships that were already in my life.
The first, and most profound, deepening of a relationship is the one with myself. Perhaps I have not been able to move outward and cultivate new friendships because I needed this year to learn to understand and love myself. I have spent a lot of time going inward and discovering who I really am and learning to accept all of myself. I’ve explored the demons that lurk inside, the ones that tell me I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve to have all that I want. I have cleaned out old ideas and beliefs and discarded patterns that do not support the person I want to be. In doing all of these things, I have started a kind and gentle relationship with myself (something I’ve never had before) and I am enjoying the unfolding of this process.
I remember back when I had not yet been in a serious relationship. I could never understand how people stayed together for a year or more. For me, I’d get annoyed with people or they would try to get too close and I would push them away…and that was after a month or two. I can remember thinking that I would never marry because I didn’t see how you could continue to love someone, or grow more in love with someone, as time went on. I thought you’d hit a point and then it would stabilize or fade.
Now, I get it. After five years in a relationship with the same person, it makes so much sense that as time goes on, new layers are revealed. It’s not that the person continues to change and you feel fireworks inside, but that as a couple, you come to understand the other person in a much more extensive way. You “get” the other person. And that makes the love grow and it makes the relationship new and exciting as you discover new ways of relating to each other.
An example that comes to mind is getting a Christmas tree. Every year, right after Thanksgiving, I love going to get my Christmas tree. I love coming home and putting Christmas music on and decorating the tree. It’s a tradition. The first year Eddie and I went to get the tree, he wasn’t that interested. He helped me carry it into the house, but didn’t want to decorate it with me. It wasn’t ever a big deal to him growing up, so he didn’t really have any attachment to it. I wanted him to be part of this ritual with me. I wanted him to get as excited as I did. But that wasn’t him. And so, year after year, he would come with me to pick out the tree, but that was about it.
Then, this year, when we brought the tree home, I started getting the lights ready and he was right there with me, helping to wrap them around the tree. I started hanging ornaments, and there he was, pulling ornaments out of their cases and covers and putting them on the tree. This small shift made such an impact on me. It wasn’t that I asked him to do this with me and I don’t think it’s because he felt like he had to. I think he gets that it’s something I love and he wants to be part of it WITH ME. And that makes me love him even more.
It’s only over time that you discover new and meaningful ways to show up for the person you love. When you really understand who they are and what they are passionate about, then you are able to add new dimensions to your relationship by becoming part of the rituals and routines of the other. It’s not giving up parts of yourself, but adding to who you are. I know that because of my relationship with Eddie, I have expanded my views and ideas, opening up new possibilities that wouldn’t exist otherwise.
Then there are my sisters. I have three younger sisters, but we are spread out in terms of age. The three of them are closer in age and have so many funny stories that they remember from their adolescence. But I had gone off to college while they were still in elementary, junior high, and high school. I’ve always loved my sisters, but haven’t really known them until recently. As we’ve gotten older and are now all adults, I’ve have really noticed that our relationships are growing stronger.
Tiff and I have been the closest, simply because we are closest in age and have spent a lot of time together. When she left on her trip to Asia, we emailed each other almost daily. Long email about nothing and everything. She longed for the comfort of home and I was out of work and looked forward to a daily connection with someone. When she came back this year, we had a long, emotional talk about our relationship. She had changed in her time away and felt like she was coming home to what had always been. For us, that meant that I was the big sister and she was a little kid. She wanted to feel like we are equals, friends. There were certain habits that we had gotten into and that would have persisted if she hadn’t been strong enough to be honest with me. Because of her honesty, our relationship has grown and we are able to be open in our interactions. Tiff is a smart, strong, BRAVE woman and I’m so lucky to have her in my life.
Katizzle, my wild and crazy sister back in the day has grown into such a beautiful woman. A smile crosses my face when I think of Katie-she was a little rascal growing up, full of energy and animation who grew into the hardcore soccer queen that has gone through 4 ACL surgeries without complaint, and the one who even now uses words like “crunked” and “skerd”. It took Kates some time to grow into the woman she is, but I love who she has become. This year we have spent a lot of time on the phone, having hour long conversations, laughing and connecting. I am so grateful for the time that we’ve taken to develop our relationship.
Kelbell, the baby, went away to college at Chico this year. I remember having conversations with my brother and other sisters, worrying about her going so far away from home. After her first few weeks, homesickness set in. Because I’m the closest in proximity, Kel and I spent a lot of time on the phone, she came to visit the city quite a few times, and I went up to Chico to see her. As Kelsey starts out on her journey toward self-discovery, I am glad that she calls me for advice or when she needs someone to talk to. These are important years and I feel privileged to be an influence in her life right now.
As I am wrapping this up, I see that although new relationships may not have come into my life, I have maintained and revitalized the ones that were already present. Sometimes it takes looking at what we do have in order to refocus and realize how lucky we are.
.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Week two of Inner Advent asks us to consider water elements that have flowed through our lives this year.
In reflecting back on how my year unfolded I do see a pattern of darkness to light, confusion to clarity. In the beginning of 2007 I was still without a job, not sure of how I would make my next rent payment or where my life was going. I was suspended in mid air, not sure where I would land. But as the year progressed, I found a job that fit well with me: an academic setting, but with less stress than teaching. I found a job where I can breathe. Once settled into this new position, a path for my future opened up in front of me. I have now applied for the MFA Writing program and hope to start in summer.
Spiritually, I have come a long way from struggling with meditation to enjoying and looking forward to it. I find that I am taking more time for myself these days, time to nurture myself. And I am learning how to ask for what I want, so that I can fill myself up, rather than looking to others for validation. For example, I have asked to have the apartment to myself for a couple of hours on Sundays. It is my one day off from both jobs and I choose to take that time to feed my soul. I meditate, I pull out my journals and play inside of them, I write, I light candles and offer prayers, I take a bath and give myself body scrubs and scented lotion massages. I have never spent this kind of time giving myself this kind of attention. Especially my body…really taking time to give my arms a sugar scrub, buffing my feet, using a body brush to stimulate my skin. It feels good to do so now, to pay attention to the neglected parts of myself, to reclaim them and own them and LOVE them.
My thought patterns have changed over this past year as well. I am much more conscious of my thinking and make an effort to turn negative or mean or harsh thoughts around. I am also able to separate myself from my thoughts, to recognize that just because I think something does not mean that it’s true…and does not mean that the thought is part of me. It is my mind talking and I can choose to let it go. This is huge for me. For most of my life, I’ve let my mind run wild and create worse case scenarios that would keep me awake at night. I would let my mind worry and fret with no end in sight causing physical and emotional stress. Now I am able to breathe through these times and to let the thoughts come and go, without upsetting me.
I feel that the seas of change have swept in and created new and healthier rhythms for me. Although there are still the ups and downs inherent in life, for the most part, I’m floating on calm waters. When the occasional storm rises, it’s nothing I can’t handle.
Friday, November 30, 2007
As the year comes to an end, I am in the process of creating closure. Last year I was introduced to Lynn Jericho’s Inner Christmas: http://www.innerchristmas.com/. This year in addition to celebrating Inner Christmas, I will also be following her Inner Advent. For the four weeks leading up to Christmas, I will be looking at a different area of my life, using elements and chakras as the guide. Week 1: Earth element, first chakra. Week 2: Water element, second and fifth chakra. Week 3: Air element, fourth chakra. Week 4: Fire element, third and sixth chakras.
This week marked the first week of Inner Advent and I have been contemplating the Earthly elements of my year. Any concrete creations, projects, activities that I have brought to completion. For starters, I found a job early in 2007 and am now feeling settled into my position and comfortable with the responsibilities as well as people that I work with. Back when I was looking for a job, I focused on five qualities that I was looking for and all of those elements are part of my job now. I breathe a sigh of relief when I think back to where I was a year ago, still searching for a job, uncertainty and worry and stress were very much a part of my daily life. Now, I am stabilized in my work.
My work with Fruition has ended this year. I was part of Fruition for about a year and a half and relied on their support in order to integrate healthy eating, cooking, and habits into my lifestyle. In June, when my last group was over, I felt ready to step out on my own. I have enough tools now to know how to take care of myself and give myself what I need, whether it be primary or secondary food. In my work with Fruition, I was introduced to meditation and have really developed my practice this year. In the beginning of the year, I was still frustrated when it came time to meditate. Now I have a regular practice and I look forward to it. I crave it and need it in order to balance and calm myself.
I have also begun exploring my spirituality this year and am having a great time creating new rituals and defining what I believe in. Many books have guided me on this path, including Eat, Pray, Love (I will keep mentioning this book because I am in love with it!), The Red Book, Firstlight, and Pronoia to name a few. I am excited to continue on this journey of discovering places in myself that I never knew existed, and the ways in which I connect with all of life.
My yoga practice is back in place and like meditation, it is something that I crave. My body begs for yoga when I go a few days without it. There is something so soothing about the movements and stretching and focus. When I finish the practice, my body feels spacious and open and alive. I am grateful that I have found my way back to yoga this year and look forward to deepening my practice.
This year I have set financial goals for myself and am working toward them. It feels good to have a budget and know how much money is coming in and where it is going. I sat down a couple weeks ago and reevaluated my values and priorities in my life right now and am focusing on making sure that my money is spent in line with my values. Although finances are tight for this small portion of my life, it feels good to be aware of them and honoring my choices regarding money. I have also taken a second job this year, in order to have more money coming in, as well as to save up for a vacation. I am proud of the way I have chosen to confront and work on my finances, rather than avoiding and ignoring, which was what I did for years.
Just last week I went home for Thanksgiving and learned how to knit. I have been talking about learning to knit for a while and I’m glad that I have added a new skill and hobby.
Looking back over this list of things I’ve brought to completion in 2007, I feel good. I have accomplished much and grown in the process. I am blessed by all that has come to be in the past year. Namaste.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Why is so hard at times to accept the truth of who I am? I often find myself comparing who I am to other people. I wish that I could open up and make friends more easily, like Eddie. I wish I had the discipline to get myself to a yoga studio and do an hour and a half practice every night for two months, like Tiff. If only I had the initiative with my writing to submit pieces for publication, then maybe I would be on my way to a dream career.
In having this kind of thinking, I’m really judging myself and putting myself down, rather than accepting and celebrating the uniqueness of me. So here it is…the truth about who I am. A start, at least. Out loud (on paper). The silly little nuances and the bigger ideals that create a complete picture of me.
I need rest, lots of rest. Eight hours a night is necessary and I’m not a night owl. As much as I may want to stay up and hang out with friends on weekends, if I want to feel good and stay healthy, I need my sleep. For a long time, I struggled with this. I would try to stay out late and push my body to limits that I knew were too far. It resulted in me getting sick. I spent a good portion of a four-year period in my life sick because I did not listen to the wisdom of my body. I know better now and listen with respect to the messages that my body gives me.
I crave alone time and get very irritable if I don’t have enough time by myself. I need time to read and to write, to do yoga, to meditate, to sit with myself and just be. Everyday, I need little breaks, time-outs, so that I can retreat and replenish. Ten minutes in the church on campus to deepen my breathing and clear my mind. A twenty-minute walk in between jobs so that I can mentally let go of my day at job one. Five minutes to an hour when I get home to transition from the work world to my home life. And then I need longer chunks of time on the weekends to create or journal or just think.
I love writing. My dream is to be a published author who works from home. However, this dream scares me. I doubt my writing talent and ability. How do I know if I’m any good? I worry about being naked, exposed if I do get published or about hurting others if I’m truthful in my writing. Yet I know that when I sit down to write, time becomes irrelevant. I am content with me and the computer or my mind with pen and paper.
I am a sensitive being. My emotional body is very susceptible to the energy of others. In the past, I have allowed the energy of others to seep into myself, morphing me into their emotional state. I have to be very conscious and aware of creating space around myself, so that I separate my emotions from those of another being. I am learning to do this and am getting much better at it. And the truth is, I like being sensitive. I like that I am aware and intuitive about others and myself. Expressing emotions comes easily and naturally to me and while I do cry my fair share and raise my voice in anger, I am releasing the energy of the emotions. It keeps me honest. If something is wrong, I can’t hide it. That’s one place where I don’t hide.
I am deep. I crave depth in my relationships. But I have a hard time trusting people, so it’s extremely difficult to create meaningful relationships because I don’t often give people a chance to truly know me. It’s been so long since I’ve made a new, deep connection that I don’t even know how to go about doing it now. (And I feel silly, like I’m a child, when I admit this). What I want is a circle of trusted friends who can have conversations about spirituality and what we believe in. I want to be surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to be transparent, to be honest about mistakes and failures and embarrassments as well as accomplishments and dreams. I want more than surface talk about jobs and the weather and what’s happening this weekend. I want to know what moves people’s soul. Yet my own worries and inability to completely reveal myself to others hinders the creation of these types of bonds. I don’t know how to have this dream realized in my life. Which makes me sad.
And yet, I already have a handful of deep relationships that do satisfy me. I was blessed with a large family and have a brother and sisters who all care fiercely about one another and can have these kinds of meaningful conversations. It amazes me that as different as we all are in terms of interests and beliefs and dreams and goals, that we still share such a strong bond. The love that radiates between us flows up from a seemingly endless well inside each of us. For this, I know that I am extremely lucky. I have Eddie, a man who sees the truth of all that I am, who saw and realized it before I even did, who has stood by me while I figured it all out. Eddie, who lets me do what I need to do and supports my struggle to grow into myself, even when it impacts his life and our relationship. In Eddie, I have someone who knows the deep depths of my soul and loves me because of what he sees there.
I struggle. Mainly, I struggle with accepting who I am and I’m not really sure why. I know that there are so many gifts I have to offer to others and the world. I feel strongly rooted in the knowledge that I have a purpose in my life and that it will be fulfilled. So why do I continue to resist, to fall back into old and unhelpful patterns in my life? Maybe because I’ve only recently figured out who I am and what I want in life. Perhaps I need to give myself a break and acknowledge that I am where I am in my process. And that’s just fine.
I over-think and analyze too often. I’ve gotten better about this, but it still happens. Rather than trusting myself and my intuition, I question whether I’m making the right choices. I ask everyone else’s opinion, instead of listening to what I know will be right for me. I am working on this, learning to take time to follow my own inner guidance, rather than looking outside of myself for answers.
Most of all, I am an optimist who believes that if we tune into ourselves and pay attention, we will begin to see that life is full of serendipitous moments that are meant to bring us closer to fulfilling our dreams. I have to remind myself time and again to stop. To come back into my body, to pay attention to the rush of cold San Francisco wind on my face, to notice the smell of freshly baked bread as I pass by the patisserie on my way to work, or to feel the dewy grass as it brushes my toes when I walk through it. When I can bring myself out of my mind and back into my body, then I am able to live in each moment, instead of getting caught up in the chatter of my mind, that takes me far from where I am. More and more often, I remind myself. This is who I am and where I am right now. I am content in this moment.
In having this kind of thinking, I’m really judging myself and putting myself down, rather than accepting and celebrating the uniqueness of me. So here it is…the truth about who I am. A start, at least. Out loud (on paper). The silly little nuances and the bigger ideals that create a complete picture of me.
I need rest, lots of rest. Eight hours a night is necessary and I’m not a night owl. As much as I may want to stay up and hang out with friends on weekends, if I want to feel good and stay healthy, I need my sleep. For a long time, I struggled with this. I would try to stay out late and push my body to limits that I knew were too far. It resulted in me getting sick. I spent a good portion of a four-year period in my life sick because I did not listen to the wisdom of my body. I know better now and listen with respect to the messages that my body gives me.
I crave alone time and get very irritable if I don’t have enough time by myself. I need time to read and to write, to do yoga, to meditate, to sit with myself and just be. Everyday, I need little breaks, time-outs, so that I can retreat and replenish. Ten minutes in the church on campus to deepen my breathing and clear my mind. A twenty-minute walk in between jobs so that I can mentally let go of my day at job one. Five minutes to an hour when I get home to transition from the work world to my home life. And then I need longer chunks of time on the weekends to create or journal or just think.
I love writing. My dream is to be a published author who works from home. However, this dream scares me. I doubt my writing talent and ability. How do I know if I’m any good? I worry about being naked, exposed if I do get published or about hurting others if I’m truthful in my writing. Yet I know that when I sit down to write, time becomes irrelevant. I am content with me and the computer or my mind with pen and paper.
I am a sensitive being. My emotional body is very susceptible to the energy of others. In the past, I have allowed the energy of others to seep into myself, morphing me into their emotional state. I have to be very conscious and aware of creating space around myself, so that I separate my emotions from those of another being. I am learning to do this and am getting much better at it. And the truth is, I like being sensitive. I like that I am aware and intuitive about others and myself. Expressing emotions comes easily and naturally to me and while I do cry my fair share and raise my voice in anger, I am releasing the energy of the emotions. It keeps me honest. If something is wrong, I can’t hide it. That’s one place where I don’t hide.
I am deep. I crave depth in my relationships. But I have a hard time trusting people, so it’s extremely difficult to create meaningful relationships because I don’t often give people a chance to truly know me. It’s been so long since I’ve made a new, deep connection that I don’t even know how to go about doing it now. (And I feel silly, like I’m a child, when I admit this). What I want is a circle of trusted friends who can have conversations about spirituality and what we believe in. I want to be surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to be transparent, to be honest about mistakes and failures and embarrassments as well as accomplishments and dreams. I want more than surface talk about jobs and the weather and what’s happening this weekend. I want to know what moves people’s soul. Yet my own worries and inability to completely reveal myself to others hinders the creation of these types of bonds. I don’t know how to have this dream realized in my life. Which makes me sad.
And yet, I already have a handful of deep relationships that do satisfy me. I was blessed with a large family and have a brother and sisters who all care fiercely about one another and can have these kinds of meaningful conversations. It amazes me that as different as we all are in terms of interests and beliefs and dreams and goals, that we still share such a strong bond. The love that radiates between us flows up from a seemingly endless well inside each of us. For this, I know that I am extremely lucky. I have Eddie, a man who sees the truth of all that I am, who saw and realized it before I even did, who has stood by me while I figured it all out. Eddie, who lets me do what I need to do and supports my struggle to grow into myself, even when it impacts his life and our relationship. In Eddie, I have someone who knows the deep depths of my soul and loves me because of what he sees there.
I struggle. Mainly, I struggle with accepting who I am and I’m not really sure why. I know that there are so many gifts I have to offer to others and the world. I feel strongly rooted in the knowledge that I have a purpose in my life and that it will be fulfilled. So why do I continue to resist, to fall back into old and unhelpful patterns in my life? Maybe because I’ve only recently figured out who I am and what I want in life. Perhaps I need to give myself a break and acknowledge that I am where I am in my process. And that’s just fine.
I over-think and analyze too often. I’ve gotten better about this, but it still happens. Rather than trusting myself and my intuition, I question whether I’m making the right choices. I ask everyone else’s opinion, instead of listening to what I know will be right for me. I am working on this, learning to take time to follow my own inner guidance, rather than looking outside of myself for answers.
Most of all, I am an optimist who believes that if we tune into ourselves and pay attention, we will begin to see that life is full of serendipitous moments that are meant to bring us closer to fulfilling our dreams. I have to remind myself time and again to stop. To come back into my body, to pay attention to the rush of cold San Francisco wind on my face, to notice the smell of freshly baked bread as I pass by the patisserie on my way to work, or to feel the dewy grass as it brushes my toes when I walk through it. When I can bring myself out of my mind and back into my body, then I am able to live in each moment, instead of getting caught up in the chatter of my mind, that takes me far from where I am. More and more often, I remind myself. This is who I am and where I am right now. I am content in this moment.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
In six months time, life has shifted from uncertainty into a place of elastic stability. I say “elastic stability” meaning that things are stable and plans are being made, but there is always the factor of change. Plans may shift and the elasticity gives room for these changes to be made without everything falling apart.
This is an exciting time for me. Just last week I was feeling weighted down with working two jobs and the monotony of life that comes with trying to make “responsible” choices (like paying off debt and getting myself on solid financial ground). But then I started planning for my vacation in six months, once I have saved up the money. I made a decision about where I want to travel-Central America. Now, suddenly, there is this excitement that wells up in me throughout the day. I can’t wait for this trip! I’m going to travel through four countries and see the Mayan ruins.
I’ve done Internet research and chose the perfect travel book after much internal debate at the bookstore this weekend. I can’t remember the last time that I felt this sort of enthusiasm and anticipation. I love reading through the travel book and looking at maps and figuring out where I will go, how long I will stay, and what I will be doing. And then knowing that even as I plan, I really have no idea what will happen once I get there. I still love the planning process and am enjoying being wrapped up in it.
This will be the first time that I travel to a foreign country on my own. While there is some fear and slight hesitation, the waves of energy that flow through my body when I think about this trip tell me that this is exactly what I need to do.
Beyond traveling, I am starting to look forward to going back to school next year to get my MFA in Writing. It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was leaving teaching with no idea what life held in store for me. When I tried to look ahead into the future, all I could see was a foggy wall of white, with no idea what the view looked like beyond it. Now there is a clear path opening up before me. That’s not to say that there won’t be roadblocks and potholes along the way. But there is a path.
This is an exciting time for me. Just last week I was feeling weighted down with working two jobs and the monotony of life that comes with trying to make “responsible” choices (like paying off debt and getting myself on solid financial ground). But then I started planning for my vacation in six months, once I have saved up the money. I made a decision about where I want to travel-Central America. Now, suddenly, there is this excitement that wells up in me throughout the day. I can’t wait for this trip! I’m going to travel through four countries and see the Mayan ruins.
I’ve done Internet research and chose the perfect travel book after much internal debate at the bookstore this weekend. I can’t remember the last time that I felt this sort of enthusiasm and anticipation. I love reading through the travel book and looking at maps and figuring out where I will go, how long I will stay, and what I will be doing. And then knowing that even as I plan, I really have no idea what will happen once I get there. I still love the planning process and am enjoying being wrapped up in it.
This will be the first time that I travel to a foreign country on my own. While there is some fear and slight hesitation, the waves of energy that flow through my body when I think about this trip tell me that this is exactly what I need to do.
Beyond traveling, I am starting to look forward to going back to school next year to get my MFA in Writing. It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was leaving teaching with no idea what life held in store for me. When I tried to look ahead into the future, all I could see was a foggy wall of white, with no idea what the view looked like beyond it. Now there is a clear path opening up before me. That’s not to say that there won’t be roadblocks and potholes along the way. But there is a path.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Where is the place I am right now?
I am at an “in between” time and place of my life. I am working two jobs, trying to get my finances in order. I am trying to put my money where my values are. In doing this, I am exploring where I spend my money each month and trying to cut back in the places where the money is not in line with what I want in my life. Money and work seem to be dominating my life right now. To the point where I see myself losing time for yoga, mediation, and taking care of myself. I am trying to balance this, but find myself so tired these days that there isn’t enough time for everything.
There are so many goals and intentions in my life. Prioritizing needs to happen and for now, money (and work because it’s the means to money) is at the top. My goals for this year are to pay off the open credit cards that I have left, to start a savings account, and to build up money in a travel account so that I can begin traveling out of the country. In a spiritual sense, my goals are to continue and deepen my yoga and meditation practice. I am also working on traveling my own inner path, listening to myself and exploring who I am without help from outside entities (no Fruition or acupuncture or other healers).
I would like to cultivate new friendships as well, but that is a lower priority in this moment. And while I may not be making friendships in the way I have carved it out in my mind, I am building relationships with new and different people in my life…which IS creating new friendships, just not in the form I expected (as so often happens). I am welcoming these new interactions and using these people I have in my life to support me right now.
How is it with me in this moment?
I waver in answering this question. Okay, is the answer that comes to mind. But it’s so boring, so blah. I guess that is an accurate portrayal of how I feel right now. I know what I have to do to get to where I want to be…and so I am taking those steps right now. I am working two jobs, 60-70 hours a week. I am tired most of the time. And I notice how being worn down in my body makes me more emotional. I understand now that when my body is tired, my emotions run wild. I realize that I need to stop and check in with myself throughout the day to keep myself grounded.
I am wanting to move through the next six months so that I am at a more stable financial place. Yet I know that I need to be in this process, to be with and feel this moment of my life. So I am trying to take it day by day. I am trying to remember to slow down, to listen to what my body needs, to be gentle with myself, to accept where I am rather than hoping to rush through to the other side.
This place where you are right now
Was long ago circled on a map for you.
Is there something here, right now, that might assist your soul’s unfolding, enabling you to touch and live from the deep center of who and what you are?
Absolutely. There are always lessons to be learned. I know there is meaning behind where I am at right now. My soul is learning to articulate what its wants and needs are. Finding time for myself is becoming more and more important. Now, with the time constraints of two jobs, I have to be discerning in my choices of how I spend my free time. It takes awareness to come home at the end of a 13-hour day and decide to do yoga or take time for meditation rather than sit on the couch and zone out watching TV. And to be honest, right now, more often than not, I make the choice to fix food and watch TV. But I’m becoming aware of that and realizing that maybe I want to make a different choice. That maybe, yoga or meditation or a run or a bath, might feed my soul and in turn, give me more energy.
I am at an “in between” time and place of my life. I am working two jobs, trying to get my finances in order. I am trying to put my money where my values are. In doing this, I am exploring where I spend my money each month and trying to cut back in the places where the money is not in line with what I want in my life. Money and work seem to be dominating my life right now. To the point where I see myself losing time for yoga, mediation, and taking care of myself. I am trying to balance this, but find myself so tired these days that there isn’t enough time for everything.
There are so many goals and intentions in my life. Prioritizing needs to happen and for now, money (and work because it’s the means to money) is at the top. My goals for this year are to pay off the open credit cards that I have left, to start a savings account, and to build up money in a travel account so that I can begin traveling out of the country. In a spiritual sense, my goals are to continue and deepen my yoga and meditation practice. I am also working on traveling my own inner path, listening to myself and exploring who I am without help from outside entities (no Fruition or acupuncture or other healers).
I would like to cultivate new friendships as well, but that is a lower priority in this moment. And while I may not be making friendships in the way I have carved it out in my mind, I am building relationships with new and different people in my life…which IS creating new friendships, just not in the form I expected (as so often happens). I am welcoming these new interactions and using these people I have in my life to support me right now.
How is it with me in this moment?
I waver in answering this question. Okay, is the answer that comes to mind. But it’s so boring, so blah. I guess that is an accurate portrayal of how I feel right now. I know what I have to do to get to where I want to be…and so I am taking those steps right now. I am working two jobs, 60-70 hours a week. I am tired most of the time. And I notice how being worn down in my body makes me more emotional. I understand now that when my body is tired, my emotions run wild. I realize that I need to stop and check in with myself throughout the day to keep myself grounded.
I am wanting to move through the next six months so that I am at a more stable financial place. Yet I know that I need to be in this process, to be with and feel this moment of my life. So I am trying to take it day by day. I am trying to remember to slow down, to listen to what my body needs, to be gentle with myself, to accept where I am rather than hoping to rush through to the other side.
This place where you are right now
Was long ago circled on a map for you.
Is there something here, right now, that might assist your soul’s unfolding, enabling you to touch and live from the deep center of who and what you are?
Absolutely. There are always lessons to be learned. I know there is meaning behind where I am at right now. My soul is learning to articulate what its wants and needs are. Finding time for myself is becoming more and more important. Now, with the time constraints of two jobs, I have to be discerning in my choices of how I spend my free time. It takes awareness to come home at the end of a 13-hour day and decide to do yoga or take time for meditation rather than sit on the couch and zone out watching TV. And to be honest, right now, more often than not, I make the choice to fix food and watch TV. But I’m becoming aware of that and realizing that maybe I want to make a different choice. That maybe, yoga or meditation or a run or a bath, might feed my soul and in turn, give me more energy.
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