I am torn as to whether to abandon this blog and start a new one. I haven't posted in almost a year, which is hard to believe. Part of me wants to leave the past pieces of this blog exactly that-part of the past. Yet I'm still on this journey, which I'm coming to realize is not going to end, but rather, will continue with its ups and downs...moments of relative stability and calm before another life struggle presents itself. But that's just life. Rather than running away from the past and pretending to start over, I'm going to stick with it, even if it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

My yoga instructor read this quote by M. Scott Peck yesterday at the end of class, "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

Of course, it is completely relevant and applicable to everything that is going on in my life right now. As usual, when I take the time for yoga and meditation, I find synchronicity popping up all around me. Just before yoga, a friend and I were sitting on her stoop talking about the old issues that are resurfacing for us right now and wondering if and when life ever gets easy or just flows along effortlessly. There is always something that comes up. And we were talking about how that never ends, but that maybe the plateaus become longer and the mountains you have to climb are more like hills...so as you grow, life doesn't become easy, but the struggles are few and far between and they are not so overwhelming when you do encounter them. Then we go to yoga class...and an answer is given. Life is difficult. Learn to accept that and then the difficulty no longer matters.

I am in my second semester of the MFT program and am finding myself thrown back into a place of uncertainty with the condensed, intense summer course work and surfacing of internal struggles. Issues that I thought I had worked through are now rising up and I'm realizing there are still so many feelings and memories and hurts that I need to sift through, figuring out which ones I can release, where I can find space for forgiveness, and how to make it all happen.

I look back to my first post and remember the feelings of complete darkness and having no idea where I was going or what would happen in my life. While I find myself in a place of darkness again, it is a very different place. I don't so much mind being here now. And I know that I will find my way to the light again. There is not the panic and fear that was present before. And there is faith. Faith in myself and my support system and knowing that I am not going to be in the dark forever. I know that there is movement. I will find my way through this.

Even though I find myself in the dark in terms of inner issues and the need to heal old wounds...I am also in a place of lightness and happiness as I plan my wedding with Eddie. Along with the pain and sadness of the dark places inside, I draw strength and stability and joy from my relationship. Starting to plan a life together, thinking about what marriage and entering into a union and partnership mean...these are the things that excite me and feed my soul. It is in these opposites that I can find the balance I need in my life right now.

Although I have not quite yet come to the place where I have integrated and transcended the truth "life is difficult," I think I am moving closer toward accepting it.