Climbing up Temple V
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I got up at three this morning for the sunrise Tikal tour. This was one of the reasons that I wanted to come to Guatemala, so I couldn't wait to see the ruins. We got to the ruins a little before five. It was totally dark and we were practically running after our guide, Louis, who insisted we were late. The small beam from my flashlight guided me over rocky, rooty ground. It was about a mile hike in and then we reached the steps leading up to Temple IV. This is the tallest temple (over 700 kilometers high) and was where the king would come to watch the sunrise and set each day. On a clear day, you can see Temples III, II, and I from here. We huffed up the switchback steps and by the time we reached the top, I felt faint and was sweating profusely.
Once I saw the rainforest before me, though, it made the trek worth it! I sat down and looked out over the treetops soaking in a foggy mist. I heard birds chirping and crowing and clicking all at once and crickets singing. Then came the deep, gluttoral howling. The sound was like nothing I'd ever heard before. And other animals answered with more long-winded sounds that resonated throughout the rainforest. The howler monkeys were waking up. As I sat there, atop Temple IV at Tikal, I was able to slip easily into meditation and a profound STILLNESS washed over me.
This is what I had been looking for ever since I arrived in Guatemala. In my moments of crying and writing and yoga and meditation...I was able to release and find peace and calm. Yet somehow it hadn't satisfied me. It wasn't until I sat there this morning that I could pinpoint what I had been struggling for: STILLNESS. I bathed in it, smiled at it, and gave thanks for it!
And so began my day at Tikal (the city of sounds). Louis began the tour by saying, "Welcome to my hands," which I think meant you are in good hands. I should mention here that he has been doing work with Maya ruins for over twenty years. He knows Tikal extremely well, including all of the animal sounds. He would hear a screeching sound or a bird call and immediately know what animal it was and direct us the the tree where we would find the animal. It was great!
We spotted howler monkeys up in the trees. Louis made his own monkey sounds, scaring the monkeys so that we could watch as a group of six of them formed a circle in the treetops, prepared to fend off any danger. Next Louis heard a toucan (whose call sounded like grinding teeth to me), then the hollow knocking of a woodpecker. We saw a gum tree (where chicle comes from) and were introduced to a fruit called cajones de caballos (horse's balls). Supposedly if you eat more than three of the fruit, it has a hallucinogenic effect. Then came the beautiful laughing falcons. The male made a sound like "haaahaaahaaa" and the female answered with "heehaw heehaw heehaw". I couldn't help but laugh with them.
I saw Temples I-V, the game yard, glyphs, masks, an archaeologist site, and spider monkeys. I let go of my fear of heights and climbed to the top of Temple V, where there was a beautiful view of the rainforest with the tops of temples peaking out. The fog burned off and it turned into a beautiful day. This was definitely one of the highlights of the trip!
Once I saw the rainforest before me, though, it made the trek worth it! I sat down and looked out over the treetops soaking in a foggy mist. I heard birds chirping and crowing and clicking all at once and crickets singing. Then came the deep, gluttoral howling. The sound was like nothing I'd ever heard before. And other animals answered with more long-winded sounds that resonated throughout the rainforest. The howler monkeys were waking up. As I sat there, atop Temple IV at Tikal, I was able to slip easily into meditation and a profound STILLNESS washed over me.
This is what I had been looking for ever since I arrived in Guatemala. In my moments of crying and writing and yoga and meditation...I was able to release and find peace and calm. Yet somehow it hadn't satisfied me. It wasn't until I sat there this morning that I could pinpoint what I had been struggling for: STILLNESS. I bathed in it, smiled at it, and gave thanks for it!
And so began my day at Tikal (the city of sounds). Louis began the tour by saying, "Welcome to my hands," which I think meant you are in good hands. I should mention here that he has been doing work with Maya ruins for over twenty years. He knows Tikal extremely well, including all of the animal sounds. He would hear a screeching sound or a bird call and immediately know what animal it was and direct us the the tree where we would find the animal. It was great!
We spotted howler monkeys up in the trees. Louis made his own monkey sounds, scaring the monkeys so that we could watch as a group of six of them formed a circle in the treetops, prepared to fend off any danger. Next Louis heard a toucan (whose call sounded like grinding teeth to me), then the hollow knocking of a woodpecker. We saw a gum tree (where chicle comes from) and were introduced to a fruit called cajones de caballos (horse's balls). Supposedly if you eat more than three of the fruit, it has a hallucinogenic effect. Then came the beautiful laughing falcons. The male made a sound like "haaahaaahaaa" and the female answered with "heehaw heehaw heehaw". I couldn't help but laugh with them.
I saw Temples I-V, the game yard, glyphs, masks, an archaeologist site, and spider monkeys. I let go of my fear of heights and climbed to the top of Temple V, where there was a beautiful view of the rainforest with the tops of temples peaking out. The fog burned off and it turned into a beautiful day. This was definitely one of the highlights of the trip!
Friday, March 14, 2008
After my detox session last night, I was feeling pretty good this morning. The shuttle picked me up at 3 in the morning, along with six other passengers and we made our way to Guatemala City. I thought that all of the other people would be going on the same trip I was, but instead we dropped two people at the airport, then another two at this tiny little plane, and the last two on a road by a bus. It was still dark out at five in the morning and I was the last person in the shuttle. Where would he take me? Would I have to wait on the side of the road until six when the bus would leave for Flores? The driver turned a corner and pulled up behind a charter bus. This was my stop. Luckily I was able to get on the bus and wait there (rather than the side of the road). Slowly, light seeped through the darkness, people began boarding the bus and the time came to head out.
Now, in my mind, I figured that the bus would pretty much be a straight shot to Flores. We'd stop in the three or four towns listed on the ticket to pick up and drop off passengers. Not quite the way it worked out! There was the bus driver, along with two men who stood in the doorway of the bus. As we made our way out of the city, we stopped every block it seemed to pick up anyone who made some slight gesture on the street. Sometimes we didn't actually stop but just slowed down and the guys in the doorway would help hoist someone into the bus. Or they would jump off the bus and take baggage that needed to be stored underneath, then they would run along side the bus and hop back on. This went on for a good half hour before we left the city and continued along a quiet, windy road.
Across the aisle from me were a mother and son who had gotten on the bus right after I did. The boy was about ten or eleven and kept looking over at me and smiling. I looked over at him as we whipped around corners and moved into the lane of oncoming traffic to try and pass another car. He had a plastic bag out and was throwing up into it. The poor thing was sick for the next three hours and continued to throw up until they reached their stop and got off.
Once we got through the first two hours, we came upon a small town. The bus stopped to let people off and on came a woman with homemade tamales and fried chicken with tortillas. They walked down the aisle, selling food as the bus continued on its way. A few miles down the road, when all bellies were satisfied, the bus pulled over and the woman got off. This is how the trip continued for the next six hours. We drove through dense jungle areas, passing concrete homes without doors or wooden shacks with a clothesline running through the trees. If someone needed to get off the bus, they let the doorkeepers know and we pulled over to let them off. If someone was on the side of the road and waved us down, we stopped to pick them up. The bus driver was smiling and honking and waving as we forged ahead. People were talking and laughing, getting up to talk with the doorkeepers, arranging where they would be dropped off.
I watched all of this from the sidelines, with a big smile on my face. Who knew an 8 hour bus ride could be this entertaining? When things quieted down on the bus, I would focus on the scenery outside. Guatemala is a beautiful country...green and lush and alive.
When I finally arrived in Flores, things spiraled downward and out of control quickly. Within the first ten minutes I had spent all of the money I had on my hostel and a sunrise tour of Tikal the following day. My guidebook and the map at the hostel showed that there weren't any ATMs in Flores and that the nearest one was in the next town over, Santa Elena. It was just about a mile away. I had not eaten all day, it was about 95 degrees outside, and I had no water and no money. Before I even crossed the bridge out of Flores, sweat was pouring out of me and I felt lightheaded. Every bank I stopped in told me to keep walking a few more blocks to the ATM. I powered on down the street, past all the dirty looks and stare downs I was getting. Two miles later, I got there, swiped my card and saw the words "out of order". I turned to walk back, defeated. The tears stung at my eyes, my mind frantically ran off in a million directions. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way back to Flores.
I stopped at a little cafe once I was back and asked the woman in a shaky voice if she spoke English. She did. I was too tired to attempt asking for what I needed in Spanish. I explained what had happened and asked if there were any other ATM that she knew of.
"Oh, there's one right down the block, here in Flores."
Deep breath...what's the lesson here, Great Goddess? I sheepishly walked the two blocks to the ATM.
Had I asked stopped to ask someone before running off on this wild goose chase, I could have avoided all of this. Another theme in my life...I don't like to ask for help. I don't want to look "stupid" or bother anyone, so I just figure things out on my own. Yet, how much wasted energy would I have saved if I had asked someone at the hostel about an ATM in town? Sometimes I need help and I need to learn to ask for it.
Alright, Great Goddess, I see the lesson. I know that before the trip, I asked that you would show me the things that I needed to learn from the trip and that I would be open to receiving them. I still want that, but could you also be gentle with me from now on? Please, be gentle with me.
Now, in my mind, I figured that the bus would pretty much be a straight shot to Flores. We'd stop in the three or four towns listed on the ticket to pick up and drop off passengers. Not quite the way it worked out! There was the bus driver, along with two men who stood in the doorway of the bus. As we made our way out of the city, we stopped every block it seemed to pick up anyone who made some slight gesture on the street. Sometimes we didn't actually stop but just slowed down and the guys in the doorway would help hoist someone into the bus. Or they would jump off the bus and take baggage that needed to be stored underneath, then they would run along side the bus and hop back on. This went on for a good half hour before we left the city and continued along a quiet, windy road.
Across the aisle from me were a mother and son who had gotten on the bus right after I did. The boy was about ten or eleven and kept looking over at me and smiling. I looked over at him as we whipped around corners and moved into the lane of oncoming traffic to try and pass another car. He had a plastic bag out and was throwing up into it. The poor thing was sick for the next three hours and continued to throw up until they reached their stop and got off.
Once we got through the first two hours, we came upon a small town. The bus stopped to let people off and on came a woman with homemade tamales and fried chicken with tortillas. They walked down the aisle, selling food as the bus continued on its way. A few miles down the road, when all bellies were satisfied, the bus pulled over and the woman got off. This is how the trip continued for the next six hours. We drove through dense jungle areas, passing concrete homes without doors or wooden shacks with a clothesline running through the trees. If someone needed to get off the bus, they let the doorkeepers know and we pulled over to let them off. If someone was on the side of the road and waved us down, we stopped to pick them up. The bus driver was smiling and honking and waving as we forged ahead. People were talking and laughing, getting up to talk with the doorkeepers, arranging where they would be dropped off.
I watched all of this from the sidelines, with a big smile on my face. Who knew an 8 hour bus ride could be this entertaining? When things quieted down on the bus, I would focus on the scenery outside. Guatemala is a beautiful country...green and lush and alive.
When I finally arrived in Flores, things spiraled downward and out of control quickly. Within the first ten minutes I had spent all of the money I had on my hostel and a sunrise tour of Tikal the following day. My guidebook and the map at the hostel showed that there weren't any ATMs in Flores and that the nearest one was in the next town over, Santa Elena. It was just about a mile away. I had not eaten all day, it was about 95 degrees outside, and I had no water and no money. Before I even crossed the bridge out of Flores, sweat was pouring out of me and I felt lightheaded. Every bank I stopped in told me to keep walking a few more blocks to the ATM. I powered on down the street, past all the dirty looks and stare downs I was getting. Two miles later, I got there, swiped my card and saw the words "out of order". I turned to walk back, defeated. The tears stung at my eyes, my mind frantically ran off in a million directions. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way back to Flores.
I stopped at a little cafe once I was back and asked the woman in a shaky voice if she spoke English. She did. I was too tired to attempt asking for what I needed in Spanish. I explained what had happened and asked if there were any other ATM that she knew of.
"Oh, there's one right down the block, here in Flores."
Deep breath...what's the lesson here, Great Goddess? I sheepishly walked the two blocks to the ATM.
Had I asked stopped to ask someone before running off on this wild goose chase, I could have avoided all of this. Another theme in my life...I don't like to ask for help. I don't want to look "stupid" or bother anyone, so I just figure things out on my own. Yet, how much wasted energy would I have saved if I had asked someone at the hostel about an ATM in town? Sometimes I need help and I need to learn to ask for it.
Alright, Great Goddess, I see the lesson. I know that before the trip, I asked that you would show me the things that I needed to learn from the trip and that I would be open to receiving them. I still want that, but could you also be gentle with me from now on? Please, be gentle with me.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I love the cobble stone streets of Antigua (although they're nicer to look at than to walk on) and the bright colored traditional dress of the Guatemalan women, who smile up at me as they pass by on the streets. The markets are different than I expected. I thought they would be outdoors, like a street fair or swap meet. But they are indoors, in open warehouse style rooms, full of textiles and handicrafts. The vendors follow me around, each one asking "algo especial"...anything special? Every corner I turn, it seems there's another church. I think I counted 38 in my guidebook. And the town is only something like 10 blocks by 10 blocks. Volcan Agua and hillsides full of trees surround the city streets. Groups of school children walk in pairs down the sidewalk, dressed in their catholic uniforms. And the thing that cracks me up the most are the young kids (I swear some were only 10 or 11) making out passionately...on a park bench, on a chain-link fence, while walking down the street! It makes me smile every time!
At the end of today, I am feeling exhausted...and sad. A lot of energy has been building up in me with the traveling, not a lot of sleep, heightened emotions, worry, fear, etc. I had a great day, walking through the city, visiting the ruins at the Church of San Francisco, eating a pupusa from a street vendor, buying snacks from the tienda for my 8 hour bus ride tomorrow. But now that I am back in my room at night, there is nothing but time to think.
I guess my struggle right now is that I came on this trip wanting to test myself: to prove that I am strong and independent. Each day that I am here, I realize that I can do this. I can travel alone. I can get by. But now the question: Do I want to? Being alone gives me a lot of time to think and contemplate and so for now, I am doing that. However, I don't know that I'd do it again. Does traveling by myself make me independent and strong? Not on its own. I suppose it's one way to show those characteristics, but it doesn't prove anything. And the bottom line is that I don't think long journeys on my own are "me". I know I CAN do them, but don't necessarily want to in the future.
That's where I am right now...realizing, recognizing that I don't have anyone to prove anything to. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to acknowledge that I like have someone else with me. It helps me feel safe and less worried, which in turn makes the trip easier to enjoy. Traveling in this way is mentally and emotionally draining on me. I think for some people, the unknown is exciting and freeing. You can go anywhere, do anything. For me, it's stressful. During the day, I'm in the moment, enjoying and taking in the city with all of my senses. But now, I'm getting worried about tomorrow. Bus connections, hoping I get to Flores before dark and that I find a place to stay. I know I need to trust. The universe provides, I will be taken care. I do believe, but have to keep practicing.
For the past hour, I've been trying to get myself into a calm state. I did yoga, stretching out my body, releasing some of the tension. Then alternating between crying and meditating (and crying while meditating). I couldn't seem to get my mind to quiet down. I just wanted to find a piece of calm before going to bed. I went into child's pose, and asked the Earth's core to be a magnet and attract all of the negative and stressful energy out of my body. I lay there for a half an hour, letting it all drain out. My breathing slowed, as did my mind. A mild peace came over me and I felt ready for bed. And so I will sleep now and wake up refreshed and ready to take on a new day.
At the end of today, I am feeling exhausted...and sad. A lot of energy has been building up in me with the traveling, not a lot of sleep, heightened emotions, worry, fear, etc. I had a great day, walking through the city, visiting the ruins at the Church of San Francisco, eating a pupusa from a street vendor, buying snacks from the tienda for my 8 hour bus ride tomorrow. But now that I am back in my room at night, there is nothing but time to think.
I guess my struggle right now is that I came on this trip wanting to test myself: to prove that I am strong and independent. Each day that I am here, I realize that I can do this. I can travel alone. I can get by. But now the question: Do I want to? Being alone gives me a lot of time to think and contemplate and so for now, I am doing that. However, I don't know that I'd do it again. Does traveling by myself make me independent and strong? Not on its own. I suppose it's one way to show those characteristics, but it doesn't prove anything. And the bottom line is that I don't think long journeys on my own are "me". I know I CAN do them, but don't necessarily want to in the future.
That's where I am right now...realizing, recognizing that I don't have anyone to prove anything to. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to acknowledge that I like have someone else with me. It helps me feel safe and less worried, which in turn makes the trip easier to enjoy. Traveling in this way is mentally and emotionally draining on me. I think for some people, the unknown is exciting and freeing. You can go anywhere, do anything. For me, it's stressful. During the day, I'm in the moment, enjoying and taking in the city with all of my senses. But now, I'm getting worried about tomorrow. Bus connections, hoping I get to Flores before dark and that I find a place to stay. I know I need to trust. The universe provides, I will be taken care. I do believe, but have to keep practicing.
For the past hour, I've been trying to get myself into a calm state. I did yoga, stretching out my body, releasing some of the tension. Then alternating between crying and meditating (and crying while meditating). I couldn't seem to get my mind to quiet down. I just wanted to find a piece of calm before going to bed. I went into child's pose, and asked the Earth's core to be a magnet and attract all of the negative and stressful energy out of my body. I lay there for a half an hour, letting it all drain out. My breathing slowed, as did my mind. A mild peace came over me and I felt ready for bed. And so I will sleep now and wake up refreshed and ready to take on a new day.
I saw my reflection in the rotating door of the San Francisco Airport, as I walked in. I saw fear. I held back tears as I made my way toward the check in desk, carrying all my belongings for the next two weeks on my back.
As I prepared for this trip, I prayed and meditated a lot. I had asked Great Goddess to help me be open, to give me signs and that I would listen and look for the lessons that I needed to learn while on this journey. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I felt excitement and was surprised by the lack of nervousness and worry (which used to be standard for me). It wasn’t until the car ride to the airport that my stomach clamped and I found my breath catching in my throat. Tears welled up and I pushed them back. Nervousness and fear took hold. A quick hug and kiss by the side of the car and then I turned toward the door. I was on my own now.
When I reached the counter, the woman asked my final destination.
“Guatemala,” I told her.
“Oh, I’m from Guatemala. What part are you going to?” she smiled at me. Thank you Great Goddess for this first sign, this small comfort as I begin my journey. I told her where I was going and asked where in Guatemala she was from. Punta Barrios, a city I wouldn’t be visiting but I recognized the name and knew what part of the country it was in. I spent a lot of time looking at maps and planning out a route for this trip.
My initial plan was much more ambitious than the final version. Originally, I wanted to visit four countries and probably 10 cities in the span of 18 days. Gradually, I trimmed down a city here, a country there, until finally I had two countries and 7 cities on the agenda. In the end, I did two countries and 4 cities, which satisfied me.
After 12 hours of flying and waiting in airports, I arrived in Guatemala City. Everything went smoothly…. getting my bags, checking with the tourist info booth to find out where I could get a ride to Antigua, walking out and finding a shuttle within minutes. The driver of the shuttle introduced himself as Eduardo, which I took as another good sign, since it was the same name as my boyfriend. Waiting in the shuttle for other passengers, Eduardo and I got to talking. When asked if I could speak Spanish, I told him “un pocito”. As he began asking about my travel plans, I found that I could converse in Spanish better than expected, which made me smile.
A second girl got in the bus after about 15 minutes and then we waited another two hours before heading for Antigua. In between talking with my new acquaintance from Australia, I felt the familiar pangs of worry flow in waves throughout my body. The sun was starting to set, I was still an hour from Antigua, and I didn’t have a place to stay. I didn’t want to arrive after dark, not knowing where I was going. I tried to resist the urge to scold myself for not at least booking my first night in advance. I kept reminding myself to breathe and asking the Great Goddess to help me easily find a place to stay when I got to Antigua. That prayer was answered when the first hostel I tried happened to have an open bed. Tired from my 24 plus hours of travel, I fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning I was tested again. I got up early and wanted to find a hostel for the night, since where I was staying didn’t have any availability. I had to leave there by noon, so I got started around 8. I took my guidebook and began roaming the streets of Antigua, trying to find my sense of direction. I stopped by a church and meditated and gave thanks for my safe arrival and finding a place to stay on my first night. I made my way to the town center, stopping off at a few markets to browse. I was making my way toward some of the hostels that were listed, but the streets weren’t always clearly labeled and after an hour or so, I couldn’t seem to find any of the places that I was looking for. At ten, a shock of panic coursed through me. I stopped right where I was and said a prayer to Great Goddess (and Archangel Gabriel, who I thought I had recently read helped with directions) asking that I be able to quickly find one of the hostels listed in my guidebook. I literally turned the corner and ran into my top choice. I walked in and they had a private room available.
And so my lesson for this trip became clear to me: I need to let go of control, fear, worry and learn to trust, to have faith. I spend a lot of my time worrying and then playing into my irrational fears, letting them run wild. Now it is time to start trusting that the universe is watching over me and I will be taken care of. I do not need to waste my time living in fear, trying to control everything that will happen. Instead, I need to release and melt into the lap of the Great Goddess, knowing that she will take care of me.
As I prepared for this trip, I prayed and meditated a lot. I had asked Great Goddess to help me be open, to give me signs and that I would listen and look for the lessons that I needed to learn while on this journey. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I felt excitement and was surprised by the lack of nervousness and worry (which used to be standard for me). It wasn’t until the car ride to the airport that my stomach clamped and I found my breath catching in my throat. Tears welled up and I pushed them back. Nervousness and fear took hold. A quick hug and kiss by the side of the car and then I turned toward the door. I was on my own now.
When I reached the counter, the woman asked my final destination.
“Guatemala,” I told her.
“Oh, I’m from Guatemala. What part are you going to?” she smiled at me. Thank you Great Goddess for this first sign, this small comfort as I begin my journey. I told her where I was going and asked where in Guatemala she was from. Punta Barrios, a city I wouldn’t be visiting but I recognized the name and knew what part of the country it was in. I spent a lot of time looking at maps and planning out a route for this trip.
My initial plan was much more ambitious than the final version. Originally, I wanted to visit four countries and probably 10 cities in the span of 18 days. Gradually, I trimmed down a city here, a country there, until finally I had two countries and 7 cities on the agenda. In the end, I did two countries and 4 cities, which satisfied me.
After 12 hours of flying and waiting in airports, I arrived in Guatemala City. Everything went smoothly…. getting my bags, checking with the tourist info booth to find out where I could get a ride to Antigua, walking out and finding a shuttle within minutes. The driver of the shuttle introduced himself as Eduardo, which I took as another good sign, since it was the same name as my boyfriend. Waiting in the shuttle for other passengers, Eduardo and I got to talking. When asked if I could speak Spanish, I told him “un pocito”. As he began asking about my travel plans, I found that I could converse in Spanish better than expected, which made me smile.
A second girl got in the bus after about 15 minutes and then we waited another two hours before heading for Antigua. In between talking with my new acquaintance from Australia, I felt the familiar pangs of worry flow in waves throughout my body. The sun was starting to set, I was still an hour from Antigua, and I didn’t have a place to stay. I didn’t want to arrive after dark, not knowing where I was going. I tried to resist the urge to scold myself for not at least booking my first night in advance. I kept reminding myself to breathe and asking the Great Goddess to help me easily find a place to stay when I got to Antigua. That prayer was answered when the first hostel I tried happened to have an open bed. Tired from my 24 plus hours of travel, I fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning I was tested again. I got up early and wanted to find a hostel for the night, since where I was staying didn’t have any availability. I had to leave there by noon, so I got started around 8. I took my guidebook and began roaming the streets of Antigua, trying to find my sense of direction. I stopped by a church and meditated and gave thanks for my safe arrival and finding a place to stay on my first night. I made my way to the town center, stopping off at a few markets to browse. I was making my way toward some of the hostels that were listed, but the streets weren’t always clearly labeled and after an hour or so, I couldn’t seem to find any of the places that I was looking for. At ten, a shock of panic coursed through me. I stopped right where I was and said a prayer to Great Goddess (and Archangel Gabriel, who I thought I had recently read helped with directions) asking that I be able to quickly find one of the hostels listed in my guidebook. I literally turned the corner and ran into my top choice. I walked in and they had a private room available.
And so my lesson for this trip became clear to me: I need to let go of control, fear, worry and learn to trust, to have faith. I spend a lot of my time worrying and then playing into my irrational fears, letting them run wild. Now it is time to start trusting that the universe is watching over me and I will be taken care of. I do not need to waste my time living in fear, trying to control everything that will happen. Instead, I need to release and melt into the lap of the Great Goddess, knowing that she will take care of me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Already there's so much to say. I made it through the first part of my trip and am in Guadalajara, Mexico waiting for my flight to Mexico City and then on to Guatemala City. So far it's been very smooth.
Walking down the airport hallway, surrounded by gray, part of me wanted to run back outside and have Eddie take me back to the safety of home. A lump rose in my throat and I felt nauseous. Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I held them back. I asked the universe to send me peace. I managed to get to my gate with two hours to spare. I put on Cat Power and the melodies soothed me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. By the time I moved onto Norah Jones, I felt calm (or at least, calmer). I dozed for a bit before boarding the plane at one in the morning.
Once on board I had the nice surprise of the entire row to myself. I said a quick prayer of thanks. Upon landing in Guadalajara, the immigration line was long and slow moving with the echoes of a screaming two year old. After fifteen minutes, the flight attendant came around and said that if we were going to Mexico City to follow her. She took us right to the front of the line and then she directed us to our connecting flight. All in all, it's been an effortless adventure.
Now, here I am, waiting for the next plane. It's seven here. The feeling of rushing to a pay phone and calling Eddie isn't subsiding. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, that I would feel so much safer having him with me. But that's what this trip is about: facing fear. I don't want to be scared of the world. And I don't want to live my life safely inside my comfort zone because I'm too afraid to step outside of it. While I do (deeply) wish Eddie was with me, I also know that this is something that I need to do on my own and that the trip would have a different meaning if he were here (it would be fabulous, but I wouldn't be testing myself and expanding beyond my boundaries).
I do feel very lucky and blessed that I have Eddie in my life. I know he'll be there throughout the trip, waiting for me to check in and that I have him to return to when this trip is done. There is a comfort in that that fills me with love and appreciation. I don't feel sick or scared like I did in those first few moments in the SF airport. I am slightly anxious...wanting to be at the Guatemala airport and get my bag and find a shuttle to Antigua and know that I have a place to stay once I get there. Worry, worry...but I'm trying to breath, to meditate, to trust.
Walking down the airport hallway, surrounded by gray, part of me wanted to run back outside and have Eddie take me back to the safety of home. A lump rose in my throat and I felt nauseous. Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I held them back. I asked the universe to send me peace. I managed to get to my gate with two hours to spare. I put on Cat Power and the melodies soothed me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. By the time I moved onto Norah Jones, I felt calm (or at least, calmer). I dozed for a bit before boarding the plane at one in the morning.
Once on board I had the nice surprise of the entire row to myself. I said a quick prayer of thanks. Upon landing in Guadalajara, the immigration line was long and slow moving with the echoes of a screaming two year old. After fifteen minutes, the flight attendant came around and said that if we were going to Mexico City to follow her. She took us right to the front of the line and then she directed us to our connecting flight. All in all, it's been an effortless adventure.
Now, here I am, waiting for the next plane. It's seven here. The feeling of rushing to a pay phone and calling Eddie isn't subsiding. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, that I would feel so much safer having him with me. But that's what this trip is about: facing fear. I don't want to be scared of the world. And I don't want to live my life safely inside my comfort zone because I'm too afraid to step outside of it. While I do (deeply) wish Eddie was with me, I also know that this is something that I need to do on my own and that the trip would have a different meaning if he were here (it would be fabulous, but I wouldn't be testing myself and expanding beyond my boundaries).
I do feel very lucky and blessed that I have Eddie in my life. I know he'll be there throughout the trip, waiting for me to check in and that I have him to return to when this trip is done. There is a comfort in that that fills me with love and appreciation. I don't feel sick or scared like I did in those first few moments in the SF airport. I am slightly anxious...wanting to be at the Guatemala airport and get my bag and find a shuttle to Antigua and know that I have a place to stay once I get there. Worry, worry...but I'm trying to breath, to meditate, to trust.
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