Air, relationships. Without them, we can’t breathe. This year I learned to inhale deeply, into my chest, into my heart. And inside my heart, live many beautiful relationships.

When thinking about the air element, relationships, and the heart chakra this week, I found myself uncertain where to begin. I haven’t really made any new friendships, which as I’ve written before, is something that I desire. But as I gave myself more time and space to think and meditate on the relationships that have come into my life, what relationships have deepened, what relationships have faded…then I found that there was a lot of progress made on relationships that were already in my life.

The first, and most profound, deepening of a relationship is the one with myself. Perhaps I have not been able to move outward and cultivate new friendships because I needed this year to learn to understand and love myself. I have spent a lot of time going inward and discovering who I really am and learning to accept all of myself. I’ve explored the demons that lurk inside, the ones that tell me I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve to have all that I want. I have cleaned out old ideas and beliefs and discarded patterns that do not support the person I want to be. In doing all of these things, I have started a kind and gentle relationship with myself (something I’ve never had before) and I am enjoying the unfolding of this process.

I remember back when I had not yet been in a serious relationship. I could never understand how people stayed together for a year or more. For me, I’d get annoyed with people or they would try to get too close and I would push them away…and that was after a month or two. I can remember thinking that I would never marry because I didn’t see how you could continue to love someone, or grow more in love with someone, as time went on. I thought you’d hit a point and then it would stabilize or fade.

Now, I get it. After five years in a relationship with the same person, it makes so much sense that as time goes on, new layers are revealed. It’s not that the person continues to change and you feel fireworks inside, but that as a couple, you come to understand the other person in a much more extensive way. You “get” the other person. And that makes the love grow and it makes the relationship new and exciting as you discover new ways of relating to each other.

An example that comes to mind is getting a Christmas tree. Every year, right after Thanksgiving, I love going to get my Christmas tree. I love coming home and putting Christmas music on and decorating the tree. It’s a tradition. The first year Eddie and I went to get the tree, he wasn’t that interested. He helped me carry it into the house, but didn’t want to decorate it with me. It wasn’t ever a big deal to him growing up, so he didn’t really have any attachment to it. I wanted him to be part of this ritual with me. I wanted him to get as excited as I did. But that wasn’t him. And so, year after year, he would come with me to pick out the tree, but that was about it.

Then, this year, when we brought the tree home, I started getting the lights ready and he was right there with me, helping to wrap them around the tree. I started hanging ornaments, and there he was, pulling ornaments out of their cases and covers and putting them on the tree. This small shift made such an impact on me. It wasn’t that I asked him to do this with me and I don’t think it’s because he felt like he had to. I think he gets that it’s something I love and he wants to be part of it WITH ME. And that makes me love him even more.

It’s only over time that you discover new and meaningful ways to show up for the person you love. When you really understand who they are and what they are passionate about, then you are able to add new dimensions to your relationship by becoming part of the rituals and routines of the other. It’s not giving up parts of yourself, but adding to who you are. I know that because of my relationship with Eddie, I have expanded my views and ideas, opening up new possibilities that wouldn’t exist otherwise.

Then there are my sisters. I have three younger sisters, but we are spread out in terms of age. The three of them are closer in age and have so many funny stories that they remember from their adolescence. But I had gone off to college while they were still in elementary, junior high, and high school. I’ve always loved my sisters, but haven’t really known them until recently. As we’ve gotten older and are now all adults, I’ve have really noticed that our relationships are growing stronger.

Tiff and I have been the closest, simply because we are closest in age and have spent a lot of time together. When she left on her trip to Asia, we emailed each other almost daily. Long email about nothing and everything. She longed for the comfort of home and I was out of work and looked forward to a daily connection with someone. When she came back this year, we had a long, emotional talk about our relationship. She had changed in her time away and felt like she was coming home to what had always been. For us, that meant that I was the big sister and she was a little kid. She wanted to feel like we are equals, friends. There were certain habits that we had gotten into and that would have persisted if she hadn’t been strong enough to be honest with me. Because of her honesty, our relationship has grown and we are able to be open in our interactions. Tiff is a smart, strong, BRAVE woman and I’m so lucky to have her in my life.

Katizzle, my wild and crazy sister back in the day has grown into such a beautiful woman. A smile crosses my face when I think of Katie-she was a little rascal growing up, full of energy and animation who grew into the hardcore soccer queen that has gone through 4 ACL surgeries without complaint, and the one who even now uses words like “crunked” and “skerd”. It took Kates some time to grow into the woman she is, but I love who she has become. This year we have spent a lot of time on the phone, having hour long conversations, laughing and connecting. I am so grateful for the time that we’ve taken to develop our relationship.

Kelbell, the baby, went away to college at Chico this year. I remember having conversations with my brother and other sisters, worrying about her going so far away from home. After her first few weeks, homesickness set in. Because I’m the closest in proximity, Kel and I spent a lot of time on the phone, she came to visit the city quite a few times, and I went up to Chico to see her. As Kelsey starts out on her journey toward self-discovery, I am glad that she calls me for advice or when she needs someone to talk to. These are important years and I feel privileged to be an influence in her life right now.

As I am wrapping this up, I see that although new relationships may not have come into my life, I have maintained and revitalized the ones that were already present. Sometimes it takes looking at what we do have in order to refocus and realize how lucky we are.
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Week two of Inner Advent asks us to consider water elements that have flowed through our lives this year.

In reflecting back on how my year unfolded I do see a pattern of darkness to light, confusion to clarity. In the beginning of 2007 I was still without a job, not sure of how I would make my next rent payment or where my life was going. I was suspended in mid air, not sure where I would land. But as the year progressed, I found a job that fit well with me: an academic setting, but with less stress than teaching. I found a job where I can breathe. Once settled into this new position, a path for my future opened up in front of me. I have now applied for the MFA Writing program and hope to start in summer.

Spiritually, I have come a long way from struggling with meditation to enjoying and looking forward to it. I find that I am taking more time for myself these days, time to nurture myself. And I am learning how to ask for what I want, so that I can fill myself up, rather than looking to others for validation. For example, I have asked to have the apartment to myself for a couple of hours on Sundays. It is my one day off from both jobs and I choose to take that time to feed my soul. I meditate, I pull out my journals and play inside of them, I write, I light candles and offer prayers, I take a bath and give myself body scrubs and scented lotion massages. I have never spent this kind of time giving myself this kind of attention. Especially my body…really taking time to give my arms a sugar scrub, buffing my feet, using a body brush to stimulate my skin. It feels good to do so now, to pay attention to the neglected parts of myself, to reclaim them and own them and LOVE them.

My thought patterns have changed over this past year as well. I am much more conscious of my thinking and make an effort to turn negative or mean or harsh thoughts around. I am also able to separate myself from my thoughts, to recognize that just because I think something does not mean that it’s true…and does not mean that the thought is part of me. It is my mind talking and I can choose to let it go. This is huge for me. For most of my life, I’ve let my mind run wild and create worse case scenarios that would keep me awake at night. I would let my mind worry and fret with no end in sight causing physical and emotional stress. Now I am able to breathe through these times and to let the thoughts come and go, without upsetting me.

I feel that the seas of change have swept in and created new and healthier rhythms for me. Although there are still the ups and downs inherent in life, for the most part, I’m floating on calm waters. When the occasional storm rises, it’s nothing I can’t handle.