This one's for you Tiff!

My little sister, Tiffany, has been living with me for the past year. After college, she needed a new place to begin and San Francisco seemed just the place. She spent her year here working as a nanny at first, then at a financial firm. While working days at the financial firm, she took on a part time job during evenings and weekends, as well as babysitting.She's crazy, I know! But she had a goal and she did what it took to make it happen.

Her goal while in SF was to save some money and then go travel again. In college, Tiff spent a semester in Florence and was able to travel to a couple other European countries while there. I visited her in Italy and there are wonderful memories: a wine tasting excursion to the Tuscany region, buying a bottle of wine and drinking it out of plastic cups as we walked along the cobblestone streets, waking up late on a rainy morning and running to catch the train to Rome:-)

After college, Tiff and some friends spent a couple of months in Argentina and Brazil. Her face lights up when she reminisces about the small coastal town where they stayed in Brazil, the hot Brazilian men (you know what I'm talking about-tight red leather pants, black tank top, long, flowing hair), and her moves on the dance floor ("It's not hip hop," she was once told).

During Tiff's year in SF, she thought about where she'd like to travel next, for how long, and what she would do there. One week, she was going to Australia, the next back to Brazil. Finally, she decided on Thailand. She would get her TEFL certification and then teach there for a year. After months of research and almost choosing one program, then another...Tiff finally found the right place-Krabi-a scenic Southern town with lots of activities to do and sights to see.

Tiff left last Thursday to go home for a week and condense all of her belongings into one backpack for the trip. (Try not to tip over in the airport-mom told me about the 25lb. weight at REI!!) And off she goes tomorrow morning on yet another adventure!

There are four years between Tiff and me, so until this past year, we hadn't lived together in eight years. And although I didn't always take advantage of it, I appreciate that we had this year together. After Tiff left last week, I started thinking about all of the things I should have done or said while she was here. But "should" is a word I am trying to take out of my vocabulary. So I figure, although I can't take back time, I can say what I want to say to her:

I admire the woman you have become. You have a dream to see the world and you are taking advantage of this time in life to do that. You are brave and courageous! It takes guts to travel to a foreign land by yourself. You worked hard and have earned this moment (well actually, it's a year you've earned).

A wise woman once told me to keep saying to myself, "It's all happening!" And that all the things I wanted would come to me. Well, now, I say to you, "listen to your own words-it's all happening for you". You are making a dream come true. Of course there will be moments of anxiety and uncertainty, but I have faith in you and know that this trip is going to be an amazing time in your life!

I am on a spiritual journey.

I became restless about a year ago, realizing that I was not happy with many aspects of my life. Stress and frustration consumed me at work. My body was tired and worn out, which contributed to my getting sick often. Instead of going to the gym after work, I would come home and drink a glass (more often than not, it turned into glasses) of wine while vegging out in front of the TV. I gained weight and lost interest or didn't have the energy for my hobbies.

This wasn't how I envisioned myself at 26. And it certainly wasn't who I wanted to be.

I made the choice to do something about it. I gave my resignation at work in February. Since then, I have not been sick once. I began to see the end of the road in a career that wasn't for me. I was reading the Artist's Way and doing my morning pages, which gave me a place to let my thoughts loose. In the Artist's Way, the word synchronicity comes up a lot. I like that word. In fact, it has become one of my favorite words: SYNCHRONICITY. I started paying attention to life again, noticing small moments that seemed like coincidences, but that meant more. These moments of synchronicity meant I was beginning to tune into myself, and in doing so, I was becoming in tune with the universal spirit.

I was not happy with my body and knew that I needed to make changes in my routine, and ultimately my lifestyle. I slowly started going back to yoga classes. A few here, a few there. One night, as I browsed through the upcoming yoga workshops, I stumbled upon a Women and Wellness class. I clicked the link, read about the teacher, and clicked on the link to the teacher's website. Synchronicity. I was lead to a holistic health community that helps women to take control of their health and wellness. It is not about depriving yourself or dieting. It is about looking at the relationship we have with food and learning how food contributes to moods and energy level, among many other things. I have been meeting with a health counselor and attending cooking classes for the past 7 months. This has been a gift for me and has unleashed a newfound passion in me for cooking whole and healthy foods.

I feel rested now that I've had 4 months away from any sort of work. I've had time to read more than a dozen books, get myself back into a routine of exercise, take my yoga practice to the next level, catch up on the past 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, cook and eat well, and start this blog. I am ready to find a new profession and am hopeful that I will be content with the work that I choose. I have had time to really consider the elements that I want in a job and am not willing to settle for the first offer that comes along. I trust that synchronicity will play a part, now that I am paying attention.

(Here is what Wikipedia has to say about SYNCHRONICITY-Plainly put, it is the experience of having two (or more) things happen coincidentally in a manner that is meaningful to the person or persons experiencing them, where that meaning suggests an underlying pattern)

I dropped corn and black beans on the floor last Sunday. As I watched the tupperware slip out of my hands, I saw my insides flying to the floor with it. I lost it. After screaming a few cuss words, I slumped down onto the floor and started to cry. Softly, at first. Eddie had come into the kitchen and was helping to clean up the mess. I didn't want to cry, but the floodgates were open. Sniffling, then tears falling and huge gasps for air. I let go, releasing into the disappointment and sadness and fear that consumed me. I went into the bedroom and flopped face down onto my bed, stiffling the loud sounds of crying in my pillow. Eddie came and laid next to me, stroking my back, not saying a word. All of the stuffed feelings from the past week flowed out of me. Tired and beginning to calm down, I lifted my soggy face, wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve like a five year old girl.

I've had four months off from work. I was teaching, but realized it wasn't the job for me and so I quit. For three months I enjoyed the benefit of a paid summer off. I didn't start to panic until the end of September. Money was running out and bills were pouring in. I had sent out close to 70 resumes and gotten five interviews, none of which were the right job for me. A year ago, I would have freaked out; cried all day everyday, felt the anxiety twisting in my stomach, not left the house for days. But not now. I am changing.

"If you want to break patterns that no longer serve you, realize you have a choice, and choose to do something different than what you would normally do," advised my health counselor. This idea has become my mantra over the past month. Although I do have days where I break down and throw a tantrum (remember the corn and black bean incident?), those days are few compared with the ones where I recognize the fear, and choose to take action rather than let the fear consume me.

So, here I am. Today I make the choice to start a blog, to give voice to my thoughts and feelings. I am a writer. I do journaling, poetry, and short stories. I do not share my writing though. I keep it hidden in journals and notebooks and on my computer. I have been thinking about starting a blog for months, and obviously have had the time to do it, yet something kept me from actually doing it. Fear. Fear comes up a lot for me. But I no longer want to live my life afraid of what people think of me or wondering what might have happened if I had taken action. I am changing my old patterns. I am creating, and re-creating, the story of my life. I am journeying into places unknown: speaking my truth, being conscious and aware, looking inside myself, finding and honoring who I truly am. And I am asking others to join me on the journey-tantrums and breakthroughs and everything in between.