Journeying

2009-06-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

I am torn as to whether to abandon this blog and start a new one. I haven't posted in almost a year, which is hard to believe. Part of me wants to leave the past pieces of this blog exactly that-part of the past. Yet I'm still on this journey, which I'm coming to realize is not going to end, but rather, will continue with its ups and downs...moments of relative stability and calm before another life struggle presents itself. But that's just life. Rather than running away from the past and pretending to start over, I'm going to stick with it, even if it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

My yoga instructor read this quote by M. Scott Peck yesterday at the end of class, "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

Of course, it is completely relevant and applicable to everything that is going on in my life right now. As usual, when I take the time for yoga and meditation, I find synchronicity popping up all around me. Just before yoga, a friend and I were sitting on her stoop talking about the old issues that are resurfacing for us right now and wondering if and when life ever gets easy or just flows along effortlessly. There is always something that comes up. And we were talking about how that never ends, but that maybe the plateaus become longer and the mountains you have to climb are more like hills...so as you grow, life doesn't become easy, but the struggles are few and far between and they are not so overwhelming when you do encounter them. Then we go to yoga class...and an answer is given. Life is difficult. Learn to accept that and then the difficulty no longer matters.

I am in my second semester of the MFT program and am finding myself thrown back into a place of uncertainty with the condensed, intense summer course work and surfacing of internal struggles. Issues that I thought I had worked through are now rising up and I'm realizing there are still so many feelings and memories and hurts that I need to sift through, figuring out which ones I can release, where I can find space for forgiveness, and how to make it all happen.

I look back to my first post and remember the feelings of complete darkness and having no idea where I was going or what would happen in my life. While I find myself in a place of darkness again, it is a very different place. I don't so much mind being here now. And I know that I will find my way to the light again. There is not the panic and fear that was present before. And there is faith. Faith in myself and my support system and knowing that I am not going to be in the dark forever. I know that there is movement. I will find my way through this.

Even though I find myself in the dark in terms of inner issues and the need to heal old wounds...I am also in a place of lightness and happiness as I plan my wedding with Eddie. Along with the pain and sadness of the dark places inside, I draw strength and stability and joy from my relationship. Starting to plan a life together, thinking about what marriage and entering into a union and partnership mean...these are the things that excite me and feed my soul. It is in these opposites that I can find the balance I need in my life right now.

Although I have not quite yet come to the place where I have integrated and transcended the truth "life is difficult," I think I am moving closer toward accepting it.

2008-10-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

I find myself entering a new phase of my journey. For the past couple of years, I spent my time figuring out who I am and what I want in my life. I also spent a lot of time developing my spirituality...determining what I wanted it to look like. I delved into studies of goddesses and reading about the path that other women have taken to find the divine in their lives. I meditated in many ways and forms. I have kept what works for me and let the rest go. I feel strong in my spiritual life, grounded despite the twists and turns of the journey.

And now, I am shifting into new territory. No longer needing to define and accept who I am, I see myself moving into a place of healing. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I realize that I need to heal pieces of my past, as well as patterns that persist into the present. I found an amazing doctor at a Health and Healing Clinic who practices holistic medicine. He is an MD as well as an acupuncturist. Through our visits, we have found that I have a low functioning thyroid and we are now working together to find the best way to provide the hormones and chemicals that my body needs in order to feel energized. We are looking at acupuncture, yoga, stress reduction techniques, visualization, affirmations, and on and on the list goes. Although the progress is slower than a traditional "take this pill and feel better" approach, I am enjoying the process and learning as I go.

I don't know how or why or when this shift began. But this week, it has been confirmed in many ways that I have moved into a new place. The director that I work with as a spiritual care volunteer said to me, "I can just tell that there are changes happening for you right now. Big shifts that I wish you the best with." And this was without me mentioning anything.

I am excited for this next phase. I feel up to the challenge of healing. And I think that many good things will come from the process. Of course I have no idea what is to come, but I feel positive energy flowing within and around me. Armed with a stronger sense of self and working toward living in a peaceful state, I surrender to this next part of this process.

2008-08-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm cleansing this month. I'm taking a couple supplements that are supposed to be pulling toxins out of my organs and then moving them out of my system. I started on Saturday and so far, so good.

I started out with the idea of doing this in order to clean up my diet a little bit and clean out my system, but already the cleanse has taken on a new dimension. It's become more about listening to my body and taking time for myself. I had made a list of activities or things I could do while on the cleanse (bubble baths, books to read, farmer's market, etc). I put the goal of watching less TV on my list, as well as trying to meditate daily.

I'm not eating meat or refined sugar (and for the most part will not be drinking either). Already, my body feels lighter and less bloated. Last night, as I was coming home from the gym, I started thinking about what I wanted for dinner. Normally, I create a menu each week and have ingredients on hand to make the dinners I've preplanned. But for now, I've just bought a lot of veggies and have beans and grains and a few dairy products on hand. So I can create whatever I want to have for dinner. Anyway, on my way home, I decided I just wanted a light broth with some veggies and udon noodles for dinner. Then I cooked up a couple slices of polenta and put some goat cheese on top. It was the perfect meal...just what my body wanted.

I realized how often I let my regimented, structured thinking sort of take control. Beef stew is on the menu for tonight...so beef stew it is. Even if I don't want that. I often ignore what my body is telling me it wants, simply because I've already written a dinner idea on a piece of paper. It seems so silly when I think about it now.

It happens in other areas of my life too. Someone invites me over for dinner or a friend asks if I want to get together over the weekend. I just say yes simply because I have no other plans. Even if it's not something I really want to do. So I'm working on saying no. I've already had to say no quite a few invitations. It feels liberating to make that choice based on what I want.

I guess it's interesting to me that I'm just now starting to think, "Do I really want to do this?" I have a choice. I don't have to agree to do whatever everyone else wants me to do.

And in saying no, I'm opening up windows of time where I get to decide how I want to spend the few hours I have to myself. Last night I took a long bath, meditated, and went to bed at 9. Over the weekend, I spent 3 hours working on my feng shui coursework.

I've started keeping a journal of my daily schedule, as well as bodily and emotional feelings, making sure that I stay conscious of the process.

2008-08-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

I went to a meditation group on Tuesday evening. It was led by my friend, Alice. She's been trained in the practice called Mind Sound Technology.

Basically, the meditation consists of chanting sounds out loud while focusing on a certain part of the body (the right or left eye, the third eye, the navel, the heart, or the mouth). There are four sequences that you do. The first sequence is supposed to help with intelligence and energy, the second helps with knowledge and doing well at work or school, the third sequence helps with non-violence and peaceful behavior, and the fourth helps with courage and eliminating fear.

I walked into the room, not having any idea what to expect. I didn't know what kind of meditation it would be. The room had a dark feeling. The walls were made of cement and it had a sort of institutional feel. I sat in a chair across the circle from Alice. We got started and went into the first sequence of the meditation. As I slowly opened my eyes when it was done, the energy in the room had completely changed and I could feel and see it. The room seemed brighter and more spacious. It was very calm and peaceful.

We went through the three other sequences. I really enjoy chanting sounds out loud. And when you're with a group of people, the sounds all come together and create wonderful vibrations. During the third sequence, I could feel the energy of our combined voices pushing against one another, each voice adding its own strength, creating a ball of energy in the middle of our circle. During the fourth sequence, it was like each of our voices danced around each other, stepping aside to sure each voice had its own space.

People shared their stories of how long they had been doing the meditations and the sorts of effects they had noticed in their lives. It was very interesting. These meditations are starting to be used with children in schools and researchers are documenting the effects that the meditations are having.

I've been practicing the meditation each night since Tuedsay, on my own, and already I can say that there are some shifts. I do notice myself taking more risks than I might normally (compliments of the fourth sequence). For example, yesterday I received an email from the founder of the 29 Day Giving Challenge. She had sent out a plea for help because the challenge is really beginning to take off and she has more work than she can handle on her own. My first response was that I wanted to offer my help. But I immediately brushed that thought aside. I was afraid to offer my help. What if it took too much of my time? What if I didn't know how to do some of the things that needed to get done? I'm not sure I want to interact with people...that means putting myself out there. I clicked the archive button and moved on with my day.

An hour later, I retrieved the email and sent a response saying that I would be happy to help. I stated which items I thought I'd be best at helping with. I told her how many hours I'd be able to put into it each week. And I offered the idea of breaking up some of the responsibilities among a few people (the original email had said she needed one person). So I offered help, but made sure to be clear about what exactly I could give. It felt good. And next week, I'll become part of the Welcoming Committee, where I will have to put myself out there. And I think that even though it's a little scary...it's good for me.

I'll be curious to see what other effects I notice over time as I continue this daily mind sound meditation.

2008-07-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

I'm gearing up for a cleanse that I'll be starting this weekend. And it couldn't come at a better time. There's been so much going on this summer with out of town weddings and lots of in town guests. I'm ready to slow down my social life and take some time to refocus my energy. Back to the basics: simple eating, simple pleasures!

In addition to cleaning up my diet (by which I mean taking out refined sugar, meat, yeast, and alcohol) I will be taking some supplements to remove toxins from my body. But the part I'm most excited about is the list of nourishing activities that I've come up with so far. I plan on going to bed by 10 during the week and then waking up a half an hour early to meditate. Less TV watching, more journaling. Bubble baths, face masks, foot soaks, tea time, reading, and shopping at the farmers market are all on the agenda.

After months of working my plans to fit the needs of others, I'm looking forward to a month of my own agenda. I can make dates or weekend trips...if I want. But I am allowing myself to completely indulge in relaxing and rejuvenating, only choosing to do those activities that heal and inspire and nourish me.

2008-07-09T12:07:00.001-07:00

How the time flies! I know it’s been too long since I’ve written here. I needed a break, some processing time, even though I didn’t really know it. After not getting in the MFA program, there was a period of flurried motion in my mind. What should I do now? Do I go with another MFA program? Should I get my Marriage Family Therapist license? What about holistic health? Reiki? Feng Shui? Interior Design? Suddenly a flood of options was drowning me. I have a lot of interests, but which one do I want to turn into a career? I filled out applications, called about financial aid, but then found myself paralyzed. I wasn’t ready to make a commitment.

That went on for about two months. Then for some reason, unplanned by me, it all stopped. I let it go. I didn’t think about what my next move should be or what I want to do with my life when I grow up or how behind I am because so many people my age have graduate degrees and are pursuing real grown up careers, while I feel like I’m floundering. It all just stopped.

Maybe because it’s summer time and it seems every weekend is filling up with activities: weddings, concerts, family in town, etc. I’ve been busy living life and enjoying life rather than constantly analyzing it. It’s been a nice change of pace.

Then yesterday, I found myself in a contemplative mood, realizing all of this. Life moves in cycles: sometimes I’m (over) analyzing to a point of driving myself crazy, other times I’m present and enjoying my life, and then there are the times that I need to go inside and explore what I’ve learned while feeling grounded. I’m at that last place right now, ready to do a little review of what’s been going on over the past few months and also do some planning for the coming months.

I do know that I want to go back to school, but I’ve let go of feeling like I need to decide this instant when I will go back and what degree I will pursue. It will come to me. I know it will. In the meantime, I need to meditate, to get clear about what I want from a future career, but also to enjoy and appreciate the present moment, where I am right now. Life is good. I am where I need to be. I will get where I need to go. I need to have faith in the process and trust myself.

2008-07-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

I had my first patient visit today. A few months ago I started training to become a Spiritual Care Volunteer at a hospital in the city. After the initial training, I’d gone to meet with the director a couple times and shadow him on visits. Although I was nervous, I made the decision before I went in today that I would go do a visit on my own. I would have to jump in at some point, might as well be today.

The visit went well, all things considered. The patient was happy to have me, “I’m not going anywhere, please sit down. Let’s talk, what do you want to talk about? Religion? You want to tell me about religion?” I think she mistook my title as a Spiritual Care Volunteer to mean that I wanted to sell some religion to her. I redirected and got her talking about herself, her beliefs, and her time in the hospital.

I was sweating and nervous and certainly fumbled. But at the end of our conversation, when I walked out of the room, I felt a rush of energy. I had done it. Even though it made me anxious (and probably will for a while until I become more comfortable with it), I felt good when it was over.

Back in the director’s office, I told him how the visit went. He asked if I’d like to do another. “No, I think one was enough for today,” the words slipped out of my mouth before I even had time to think them through. Normally, I would have said yes, wanting to please the other person and do what I thought he wanted me to do. Instead, before I had time to think about it, I was honest.

“That’s totally fine,” the director said. “And it feels very authentic. Some people jump in and keep going even when they may not be ready. I understand that one was enough. When I was first getting into this, I would visit one patient and then go hide in the bathroom for the rest of my shift. Really. It takes time to get used to the work you’re doing.”

In a society where we are rarely transparent, especially with people we don’t know well, it is refreshing when we can tell the truth. That’s how I know that I want to continue this work. It’s one place where I go for 2-4 hours a week and know that I am having real interactions with people. And I really appreciate the director I am working with. I like that it’s okay to admit fear or nervousness and not be judged. And even beyond that, to have someone say back to me, “Hey, I’ve been there. I’ve been overwhelmed and felt that way too. Thanks for being honest.”

I walked out of the building feeling a deep spaciousness inside and at the same time fulfilled by this brief moment in my day.

2008-04-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

Just back from lunchtime yoga. I feel that stillness inside today for the first time in over a week.

Last week I found out that I did not get into the MFA program here that I’ve been working toward and looking forward to for almost a year. It was a competitive program and I knew that going in. Yet I truly believed that one of the reasons I got the job here at USF was so that I could go back to school and get my masters doing something that I love. Ever since I got the job and found out they had a MFA Writing program and that they had tuition remission, I felt deep inside that that was going to be my path.

I had no idea how hard the loss of that dream would hit me. I had prepared for the fact that I might not get in, considering they only select 30 out of 300 applicants. But I wanted to keep my thoughts positive and imagined getting the acceptance letter and going to class after work and taking my laptop to cafes to write on the weekends. Last week, all of that positive energy and hope that I had created and cultivated was sucked out of me. The blow left me deflated, empty, negative, sad, and lost.

For the first couple days, I frantically searched the internet for all other writing programs that I might be able to go to in the area. I found many school and also learned that there are quite a few low residency programs across the country where you can get your masters through distance learning. Despite my hours pouring over the websites, I could not find the right fit. Most of the programs were way too expensive. Plus, part of the reason that I wanted to join the MFA program here was for the community of writers. I wanted to be a part of classes and lectures, discussions and readings.

I began perusing the MFT (marriage family therapist) masters in Counseling Psychology that is offered here as an option. If I’m going to do school right now, I want to take advantage of the tuition remission offered at my job. But do I want to spend three years doing coursework and an additional two years of internships before I can get my license? I don’t know. I’m not sure. And I don’t want to make a five-year commitment if I’m not certain.

All the peacefulness and giving and high frequency energy that I had been pulsating with since I returned from my trip dissipated. My mind started running wild, my allergies flared up, no matter how much rest I got I still felt worn out. At the end of last week, I told myself to slow down, that I didn’t need to make any decisions right away. Still, the deflated, stagnant energy persisted and continues to persist.

I want to snap out of it. I want to find my way back to the high of being in tune with life. I want to move forward. I want to find my center again. But I’m stuck. I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole that I slipped into with the bad news last week. Today’s yoga was a step in the right direction, a move toward coming back to my center. I know I need to give myself time and space, allowing new opportunities to arise.

I wonder why it is so hard to find my way back when I am knocked off the path. Certainly, I am stronger now in the way that I handle the roadblocks life hurls my way. I have more grace. I don’t wallow nearly as long as I used to. But it still throws me off kilter, still spins me in circles until I feel out of sync.

It’s been hard to meditate or pray or write down the things I am grateful for each day. I bet if I did these things it might make it easier to come back to my center. But I feel betrayed. Betrayed by life. And it’s hard to process and let go of that feeling. It’s hard to forgive, to accept, to trust. Trust…again it comes up. I need to trust that I will find the work that fulfills my higher purpose and not lose hope when things don’t work out according to my plans.

In my mind, I know these things, but it’s hard to live from that place of knowing. It’s hard to embody the concept of detachment. Especially when I feel like I’m ready to find work that inspires me and ignites my passion. There are quite a few forms that my life’s work could take and I’m eager to find out which one it will be. For now, I just need to settle down and know that it will happen. My purpose will be revealed to me.

2008-04-11T08:43:00.001-07:00

Things I have given: a smile, dinner, time visiting a friend, a thank you note, coffee, an onion, an email to an old friend, helping out in an emergency situation at work, directions, flowers, and wine.

Things I have received: Ani DiFranco ticket, an extra source of income for the next few months, a kind and touching email from my dad, plans to meet with an old friend, bumping into a friend I hadn’t seen in months, a spiritual care volunteer position, help paying my taxes, means to sign up for a beginning reiki class.

2008-04-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

I’m on day 7 of the giving challenge and am finding out a few things about giving, and myself.

First of all, I give more often than I realized (as I’m sure many of us do). Each day as I’m thinking about what I want to give, I find that I can come up with at least a couple ways that I gave already, without consciously acknowledging the gifts-asking a co-worker if I can help when I know she’s stressed out, offering a ride to my boyfriend, inviting friends over for dinner. It’s nice to recognize the small things that I do on a regular basis and bring them into my sphere of awareness.

Second, giving opens me up to receiving. I find that as I am giving, I am more receptive to receiving gifts as well. For example, last night, I went to see Ani DiFranco at the Fillmore, which was an amazing experience. Her music moved inside me, one song making me want to burst open, to honestly expose myself to others. With the arrival of the next song, I wanted to curl up under my covers and hide away for a while. Her music touches at the core of emotions that we all feel. I could feel the presence of the crowd, hanging on her every note, mesmerized.

At the end of the night, as I walked up to my apartment, I ran into my neighbor and told her about the show. She said that her partner was a big Ani fan as well and was going to see her do a live interview the following night in the city. This morning, I heard the doorbell ring at 7:30 while I was getting ready for work. I opened the door to find my neighbor, offering me her ticket to see Ani tonight because she couldn’t go. Just like that, a gift appears.

Third, being aware of giving makes me want to give more. I like giving. It’s fun to think up ways to brighten someone else’s day. By doing that, it brightens my day. While visiting a friend in the hospital over the weekend, I saw a sign for becoming a spiritual care volunteer. I emailed the contact and spoke with him today and will begin my training at the end of this month. I’m really looking forward to the gifts that will come from this volunteer position.

Last, giving makes life meaningful and brings purpose to each day. There are times when I find myself grumpily moving through my day, wondering where I’m going and what I’m doing (in that moment, and in my life in general). When I have a focus, a purpose, it makes the day more exciting: when can I give, who will I give to, where am I needed, what else can I do?

I’ve known this, but somehow, or somewhere along the way, I forgot. It’s nice to be reminded of the power of giving. Many thanks to the 29-Day Giving Challenge for helping me to remember.

2008-04-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

In the past two days, I received two emails that mentioned the 29-Day Giving Challenge. I went to the site and read about. It sounded like a good idea, but I put in the back of my mind as something I might do later. Then yesterday, as I was waiting on the corner for my bus and looking down the street to see if it was coming, a man stepped into my line of view, trying to get my attention. I looked at him and smiled.

"How are you doing today?" he asked.

"I'm good," I smiled. "How are you?"

"My day's been okay. Thanks for your smile."

And we went our separate ways. Getting on the bus, I knew that my smile had made a difference for this man for some reason. I had given a smile. And I thought back to the 29-Day Giving Challenge. Even though my mind was resistant and wanted to put it off, it seemed my higher self wanted to make it happen anyway. While I was on the bus a young girl and her mom sat across from me. The mom was scolding the girl for not washing her face that morning. She continued reprimanding the child and criticizing her for blocks. I saw the sad eyes and blank stare on the girl's face. I continued watching them and when the girl looked up at me, I gave her a smile too. My heart beamed as I watched a big smile break out across her face. She kept on looking back at me, smiling, until it we reached my stop and it was time for me to get off.

And so I have begun the challenge. I haven't given yet today and don't know what it is that I'll give, but I know that it will be something before the day is over.

Think about signing up: http://givingchallenge.ning.com/

The world could use more giving.

2008-03-15T16:02:00.001-07:00

Climbing up Temple V

2008-03-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

2008-03-15T16:01:00.001-07:00

Temple IV

2008-03-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

Glyph of the Maya Calendar

2008-03-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

I got up at three this morning for the sunrise Tikal tour. This was one of the reasons that I wanted to come to Guatemala, so I couldn't wait to see the ruins. We got to the ruins a little before five. It was totally dark and we were practically running after our guide, Louis, who insisted we were late. The small beam from my flashlight guided me over rocky, rooty ground. It was about a mile hike in and then we reached the steps leading up to Temple IV. This is the tallest temple (over 700 kilometers high) and was where the king would come to watch the sunrise and set each day. On a clear day, you can see Temples III, II, and I from here. We huffed up the switchback steps and by the time we reached the top, I felt faint and was sweating profusely.

Once I saw the rainforest before me, though, it made the trek worth it! I sat down and looked out over the treetops soaking in a foggy mist. I heard birds chirping and crowing and clicking all at once and crickets singing. Then came the deep, gluttoral howling. The sound was like nothing I'd ever heard before. And other animals answered with more long-winded sounds that resonated throughout the rainforest. The howler monkeys were waking up. As I sat there, atop Temple IV at Tikal, I was able to slip easily into meditation and a profound STILLNESS washed over me.

This is what I had been looking for ever since I arrived in Guatemala. In my moments of crying and writing and yoga and meditation...I was able to release and find peace and calm. Yet somehow it hadn't satisfied me. It wasn't until I sat there this morning that I could pinpoint what I had been struggling for: STILLNESS. I bathed in it, smiled at it, and gave thanks for it!

And so began my day at Tikal (the city of sounds). Louis began the tour by saying, "Welcome to my hands," which I think meant you are in good hands. I should mention here that he has been doing work with Maya ruins for over twenty years. He knows Tikal extremely well, including all of the animal sounds. He would hear a screeching sound or a bird call and immediately know what animal it was and direct us the the tree where we would find the animal. It was great!

We spotted howler monkeys up in the trees. Louis made his own monkey sounds, scaring the monkeys so that we could watch as a group of six of them formed a circle in the treetops, prepared to fend off any danger. Next Louis heard a toucan (whose call sounded like grinding teeth to me), then the hollow knocking of a woodpecker. We saw a gum tree (where chicle comes from) and were introduced to a fruit called cajones de caballos (horse's balls). Supposedly if you eat more than three of the fruit, it has a hallucinogenic effect. Then came the beautiful laughing falcons. The male made a sound like "haaahaaahaaa" and the female answered with "heehaw heehaw heehaw". I couldn't help but laugh with them.

I saw Temples I-V, the game yard, glyphs, masks, an archaeologist site, and spider monkeys. I let go of my fear of heights and climbed to the top of Temple V, where there was a beautiful view of the rainforest with the tops of temples peaking out. The fog burned off and it turned into a beautiful day. This was definitely one of the highlights of the trip!

2008-03-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

2008-03-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Los Amigos Hostel in Flores

2008-03-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

Bridge into Flores and Lake Peten Itza

2008-03-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

Markets on the bus ride to Flores

2008-03-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

After my detox session last night, I was feeling pretty good this morning. The shuttle picked me up at 3 in the morning, along with six other passengers and we made our way to Guatemala City. I thought that all of the other people would be going on the same trip I was, but instead we dropped two people at the airport, then another two at this tiny little plane, and the last two on a road by a bus. It was still dark out at five in the morning and I was the last person in the shuttle. Where would he take me? Would I have to wait on the side of the road until six when the bus would leave for Flores? The driver turned a corner and pulled up behind a charter bus. This was my stop. Luckily I was able to get on the bus and wait there (rather than the side of the road). Slowly, light seeped through the darkness, people began boarding the bus and the time came to head out.

Now, in my mind, I figured that the bus would pretty much be a straight shot to Flores. We'd stop in the three or four towns listed on the ticket to pick up and drop off passengers. Not quite the way it worked out! There was the bus driver, along with two men who stood in the doorway of the bus. As we made our way out of the city, we stopped every block it seemed to pick up anyone who made some slight gesture on the street. Sometimes we didn't actually stop but just slowed down and the guys in the doorway would help hoist someone into the bus. Or they would jump off the bus and take baggage that needed to be stored underneath, then they would run along side the bus and hop back on. This went on for a good half hour before we left the city and continued along a quiet, windy road.

Across the aisle from me were a mother and son who had gotten on the bus right after I did. The boy was about ten or eleven and kept looking over at me and smiling. I looked over at him as we whipped around corners and moved into the lane of oncoming traffic to try and pass another car. He had a plastic bag out and was throwing up into it. The poor thing was sick for the next three hours and continued to throw up until they reached their stop and got off.

Once we got through the first two hours, we came upon a small town. The bus stopped to let people off and on came a woman with homemade tamales and fried chicken with tortillas. They walked down the aisle, selling food as the bus continued on its way. A few miles down the road, when all bellies were satisfied, the bus pulled over and the woman got off. This is how the trip continued for the next six hours. We drove through dense jungle areas, passing concrete homes without doors or wooden shacks with a clothesline running through the trees. If someone needed to get off the bus, they let the doorkeepers know and we pulled over to let them off. If someone was on the side of the road and waved us down, we stopped to pick them up. The bus driver was smiling and honking and waving as we forged ahead. People were talking and laughing, getting up to talk with the doorkeepers, arranging where they would be dropped off.

I watched all of this from the sidelines, with a big smile on my face. Who knew an 8 hour bus ride could be this entertaining? When things quieted down on the bus, I would focus on the scenery outside. Guatemala is a beautiful country...green and lush and alive.

When I finally arrived in Flores, things spiraled downward and out of control quickly. Within the first ten minutes I had spent all of the money I had on my hostel and a sunrise tour of Tikal the following day. My guidebook and the map at the hostel showed that there weren't any ATMs in Flores and that the nearest one was in the next town over, Santa Elena. It was just about a mile away. I had not eaten all day, it was about 95 degrees outside, and I had no water and no money. Before I even crossed the bridge out of Flores, sweat was pouring out of me and I felt lightheaded. Every bank I stopped in told me to keep walking a few more blocks to the ATM. I powered on down the street, past all the dirty looks and stare downs I was getting. Two miles later, I got there, swiped my card and saw the words "out of order". I turned to walk back, defeated. The tears stung at my eyes, my mind frantically ran off in a million directions. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way back to Flores.

I stopped at a little cafe once I was back and asked the woman in a shaky voice if she spoke English. She did. I was too tired to attempt asking for what I needed in Spanish. I explained what had happened and asked if there were any other ATM that she knew of.

"Oh, there's one right down the block, here in Flores."

Deep breath...what's the lesson here, Great Goddess? I sheepishly walked the two blocks to the ATM.

Had I asked stopped to ask someone before running off on this wild goose chase, I could have avoided all of this. Another theme in my life...I don't like to ask for help. I don't want to look "stupid" or bother anyone, so I just figure things out on my own. Yet, how much wasted energy would I have saved if I had asked someone at the hostel about an ATM in town? Sometimes I need help and I need to learn to ask for it.

Alright, Great Goddess, I see the lesson. I know that before the trip, I asked that you would show me the things that I needed to learn from the trip and that I would be open to receiving them. I still want that, but could you also be gentle with me from now on? Please, be gentle with me.

2008-03-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T21:26:00.001-07:00

2008-03-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

I love the cobble stone streets of Antigua (although they're nicer to look at than to walk on) and the bright colored traditional dress of the Guatemalan women, who smile up at me as they pass by on the streets. The markets are different than I expected. I thought they would be outdoors, like a street fair or swap meet. But they are indoors, in open warehouse style rooms, full of textiles and handicrafts. The vendors follow me around, each one asking "algo especial"...anything special? Every corner I turn, it seems there's another church. I think I counted 38 in my guidebook. And the town is only something like 10 blocks by 10 blocks. Volcan Agua and hillsides full of trees surround the city streets. Groups of school children walk in pairs down the sidewalk, dressed in their catholic uniforms. And the thing that cracks me up the most are the young kids (I swear some were only 10 or 11) making out passionately...on a park bench, on a chain-link fence, while walking down the street! It makes me smile every time!

At the end of today, I am feeling exhausted...and sad. A lot of energy has been building up in me with the traveling, not a lot of sleep, heightened emotions, worry, fear, etc. I had a great day, walking through the city, visiting the ruins at the Church of San Francisco, eating a pupusa from a street vendor, buying snacks from the tienda for my 8 hour bus ride tomorrow. But now that I am back in my room at night, there is nothing but time to think.

I guess my struggle right now is that I came on this trip wanting to test myself: to prove that I am strong and independent. Each day that I am here, I realize that I can do this. I can travel alone. I can get by. But now the question: Do I want to? Being alone gives me a lot of time to think and contemplate and so for now, I am doing that. However, I don't know that I'd do it again. Does traveling by myself make me independent and strong? Not on its own. I suppose it's one way to show those characteristics, but it doesn't prove anything. And the bottom line is that I don't think long journeys on my own are "me". I know I CAN do them, but don't necessarily want to in the future.

That's where I am right now...realizing, recognizing that I don't have anyone to prove anything to. And if I want to be true to myself, then I need to acknowledge that I like have someone else with me. It helps me feel safe and less worried, which in turn makes the trip easier to enjoy. Traveling in this way is mentally and emotionally draining on me. I think for some people, the unknown is exciting and freeing. You can go anywhere, do anything. For me, it's stressful. During the day, I'm in the moment, enjoying and taking in the city with all of my senses. But now, I'm getting worried about tomorrow. Bus connections, hoping I get to Flores before dark and that I find a place to stay. I know I need to trust. The universe provides, I will be taken care. I do believe, but have to keep practicing.

For the past hour, I've been trying to get myself into a calm state. I did yoga, stretching out my body, releasing some of the tension. Then alternating between crying and meditating (and crying while meditating). I couldn't seem to get my mind to quiet down. I just wanted to find a piece of calm before going to bed. I went into child's pose, and asked the Earth's core to be a magnet and attract all of the negative and stressful energy out of my body. I lay there for a half an hour, letting it all drain out. My breathing slowed, as did my mind. A mild peace came over me and I felt ready for bed. And so I will sleep now and wake up refreshed and ready to take on a new day.

2008-03-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

Streets of Antigua

2008-03-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

I saw my reflection in the rotating door of the San Francisco Airport, as I walked in. I saw fear. I held back tears as I made my way toward the check in desk, carrying all my belongings for the next two weeks on my back.

As I prepared for this trip, I prayed and meditated a lot. I had asked Great Goddess to help me be open, to give me signs and that I would listen and look for the lessons that I needed to learn while on this journey. In the weeks leading up to the trip, I felt excitement and was surprised by the lack of nervousness and worry (which used to be standard for me). It wasn’t until the car ride to the airport that my stomach clamped and I found my breath catching in my throat. Tears welled up and I pushed them back. Nervousness and fear took hold. A quick hug and kiss by the side of the car and then I turned toward the door. I was on my own now.

When I reached the counter, the woman asked my final destination.

“Guatemala,” I told her.

“Oh, I’m from Guatemala. What part are you going to?” she smiled at me. Thank you Great Goddess for this first sign, this small comfort as I begin my journey. I told her where I was going and asked where in Guatemala she was from. Punta Barrios, a city I wouldn’t be visiting but I recognized the name and knew what part of the country it was in. I spent a lot of time looking at maps and planning out a route for this trip.

My initial plan was much more ambitious than the final version. Originally, I wanted to visit four countries and probably 10 cities in the span of 18 days. Gradually, I trimmed down a city here, a country there, until finally I had two countries and 7 cities on the agenda. In the end, I did two countries and 4 cities, which satisfied me.

After 12 hours of flying and waiting in airports, I arrived in Guatemala City. Everything went smoothly…. getting my bags, checking with the tourist info booth to find out where I could get a ride to Antigua, walking out and finding a shuttle within minutes. The driver of the shuttle introduced himself as Eduardo, which I took as another good sign, since it was the same name as my boyfriend. Waiting in the shuttle for other passengers, Eduardo and I got to talking. When asked if I could speak Spanish, I told him “un pocito”. As he began asking about my travel plans, I found that I could converse in Spanish better than expected, which made me smile.

A second girl got in the bus after about 15 minutes and then we waited another two hours before heading for Antigua. In between talking with my new acquaintance from Australia, I felt the familiar pangs of worry flow in waves throughout my body. The sun was starting to set, I was still an hour from Antigua, and I didn’t have a place to stay. I didn’t want to arrive after dark, not knowing where I was going. I tried to resist the urge to scold myself for not at least booking my first night in advance. I kept reminding myself to breathe and asking the Great Goddess to help me easily find a place to stay when I got to Antigua. That prayer was answered when the first hostel I tried happened to have an open bed. Tired from my 24 plus hours of travel, I fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning I was tested again. I got up early and wanted to find a hostel for the night, since where I was staying didn’t have any availability. I had to leave there by noon, so I got started around 8. I took my guidebook and began roaming the streets of Antigua, trying to find my sense of direction. I stopped by a church and meditated and gave thanks for my safe arrival and finding a place to stay on my first night. I made my way to the town center, stopping off at a few markets to browse. I was making my way toward some of the hostels that were listed, but the streets weren’t always clearly labeled and after an hour or so, I couldn’t seem to find any of the places that I was looking for. At ten, a shock of panic coursed through me. I stopped right where I was and said a prayer to Great Goddess (and Archangel Gabriel, who I thought I had recently read helped with directions) asking that I be able to quickly find one of the hostels listed in my guidebook. I literally turned the corner and ran into my top choice. I walked in and they had a private room available.

And so my lesson for this trip became clear to me: I need to let go of control, fear, worry and learn to trust, to have faith. I spend a lot of my time worrying and then playing into my irrational fears, letting them run wild. Now it is time to start trusting that the universe is watching over me and I will be taken care of. I do not need to waste my time living in fear, trying to control everything that will happen. Instead, I need to release and melt into the lap of the Great Goddess, knowing that she will take care of me.

2008-03-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

City Hall

2008-03-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

Already there's so much to say. I made it through the first part of my trip and am in Guadalajara, Mexico waiting for my flight to Mexico City and then on to Guatemala City. So far it's been very smooth.

Walking down the airport hallway, surrounded by gray, part of me wanted to run back outside and have Eddie take me back to the safety of home. A lump rose in my throat and I felt nauseous. Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I held them back. I asked the universe to send me peace. I managed to get to my gate with two hours to spare. I put on Cat Power and the melodies soothed me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. By the time I moved onto Norah Jones, I felt calm (or at least, calmer). I dozed for a bit before boarding the plane at one in the morning.

Once on board I had the nice surprise of the entire row to myself. I said a quick prayer of thanks. Upon landing in Guadalajara, the immigration line was long and slow moving with the echoes of a screaming two year old. After fifteen minutes, the flight attendant came around and said that if we were going to Mexico City to follow her. She took us right to the front of the line and then she directed us to our connecting flight. All in all, it's been an effortless adventure.

Now, here I am, waiting for the next plane. It's seven here. The feeling of rushing to a pay phone and calling Eddie isn't subsiding. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, that I would feel so much safer having him with me. But that's what this trip is about: facing fear. I don't want to be scared of the world. And I don't want to live my life safely inside my comfort zone because I'm too afraid to step outside of it. While I do (deeply) wish Eddie was with me, I also know that this is something that I need to do on my own and that the trip would have a different meaning if he were here (it would be fabulous, but I wouldn't be testing myself and expanding beyond my boundaries).

I do feel very lucky and blessed that I have Eddie in my life. I know he'll be there throughout the trip, waiting for me to check in and that I have him to return to when this trip is done. There is a comfort in that that fills me with love and appreciation. I don't feel sick or scared like I did in those first few moments in the SF airport. I am slightly anxious...wanting to be at the Guatemala airport and get my bag and find a shuttle to Antigua and know that I have a place to stay once I get there. Worry, worry...but I'm trying to breath, to meditate, to trust.

2008-02-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

we flow now,
moving through our life,
with an ease
a smooth surface,
occasional ripples
the comfort that only comes
from truly knowing another
by taking the time
to wade through the tough stuff
rather than drifting apart

water wearing down rocks
running over the grooves
into the guts of who we are
rubbing against and refining the shape of our relationship
washing away pieces we didn’t need
and healing those places
where we hurt each other deeply
acknowledging and apologizing when necessary
calmly carrying us toward understanding

and so we have this life
together
one that has been cut and carved out
by the surge of our streams merging
through a shared language
of smooches and birdies and love your face
a smile that conveys the silent “I love you”
a knowing touch
and even the heated words
followed by a gentle embrace

we flow side by side
your strong and steady stream of life
coursing next to my current of consciousness
before swirling together
and then parting again
strong enough to run on our own
but stronger still when supported by one another
we spill over with love

2008-02-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

After months of meditation and prayer, I have finally come up with an address for my prayers that feels right in my heart. When I first started praying, I would send the prayers out to the universe, which at times felt right, but at other times felt too expansive, too impersonal. I've been reading a lot of books about different goddesses and feel a connection to many of them. I feel like goddesses live within me, but can also be their own entity outside of me. And so, I have started sending my prayers to the Great Goddess. I imagine a mother figure, with a large lap where I can lay my head and a strong body that I can lean against. She is grand and fleshy and womanly. She can handle all of the thoughts, fears, and emotions that I bring to her. She is gentle, compassionate, and understanding. She wipes tears away, rocks me in her lap, and strokes my hair when I need comfort. She is firm with me as she guides me along this path toward living as my highest self.

2007-12-17T09:56:00.001-08:00

Air, relationships. Without them, we can’t breathe. This year I learned to inhale deeply, into my chest, into my heart. And inside my heart, live many beautiful relationships.

When thinking about the air element, relationships, and the heart chakra this week, I found myself uncertain where to begin. I haven’t really made any new friendships, which as I’ve written before, is something that I desire. But as I gave myself more time and space to think and meditate on the relationships that have come into my life, what relationships have deepened, what relationships have faded…then I found that there was a lot of progress made on relationships that were already in my life.

The first, and most profound, deepening of a relationship is the one with myself. Perhaps I have not been able to move outward and cultivate new friendships because I needed this year to learn to understand and love myself. I have spent a lot of time going inward and discovering who I really am and learning to accept all of myself. I’ve explored the demons that lurk inside, the ones that tell me I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve to have all that I want. I have cleaned out old ideas and beliefs and discarded patterns that do not support the person I want to be. In doing all of these things, I have started a kind and gentle relationship with myself (something I’ve never had before) and I am enjoying the unfolding of this process.

I remember back when I had not yet been in a serious relationship. I could never understand how people stayed together for a year or more. For me, I’d get annoyed with people or they would try to get too close and I would push them away…and that was after a month or two. I can remember thinking that I would never marry because I didn’t see how you could continue to love someone, or grow more in love with someone, as time went on. I thought you’d hit a point and then it would stabilize or fade.

Now, I get it. After five years in a relationship with the same person, it makes so much sense that as time goes on, new layers are revealed. It’s not that the person continues to change and you feel fireworks inside, but that as a couple, you come to understand the other person in a much more extensive way. You “get” the other person. And that makes the love grow and it makes the relationship new and exciting as you discover new ways of relating to each other.

An example that comes to mind is getting a Christmas tree. Every year, right after Thanksgiving, I love going to get my Christmas tree. I love coming home and putting Christmas music on and decorating the tree. It’s a tradition. The first year Eddie and I went to get the tree, he wasn’t that interested. He helped me carry it into the house, but didn’t want to decorate it with me. It wasn’t ever a big deal to him growing up, so he didn’t really have any attachment to it. I wanted him to be part of this ritual with me. I wanted him to get as excited as I did. But that wasn’t him. And so, year after year, he would come with me to pick out the tree, but that was about it.

Then, this year, when we brought the tree home, I started getting the lights ready and he was right there with me, helping to wrap them around the tree. I started hanging ornaments, and there he was, pulling ornaments out of their cases and covers and putting them on the tree. This small shift made such an impact on me. It wasn’t that I asked him to do this with me and I don’t think it’s because he felt like he had to. I think he gets that it’s something I love and he wants to be part of it WITH ME. And that makes me love him even more.

It’s only over time that you discover new and meaningful ways to show up for the person you love. When you really understand who they are and what they are passionate about, then you are able to add new dimensions to your relationship by becoming part of the rituals and routines of the other. It’s not giving up parts of yourself, but adding to who you are. I know that because of my relationship with Eddie, I have expanded my views and ideas, opening up new possibilities that wouldn’t exist otherwise.

Then there are my sisters. I have three younger sisters, but we are spread out in terms of age. The three of them are closer in age and have so many funny stories that they remember from their adolescence. But I had gone off to college while they were still in elementary, junior high, and high school. I’ve always loved my sisters, but haven’t really known them until recently. As we’ve gotten older and are now all adults, I’ve have really noticed that our relationships are growing stronger.

Tiff and I have been the closest, simply because we are closest in age and have spent a lot of time together. When she left on her trip to Asia, we emailed each other almost daily. Long email about nothing and everything. She longed for the comfort of home and I was out of work and looked forward to a daily connection with someone. When she came back this year, we had a long, emotional talk about our relationship. She had changed in her time away and felt like she was coming home to what had always been. For us, that meant that I was the big sister and she was a little kid. She wanted to feel like we are equals, friends. There were certain habits that we had gotten into and that would have persisted if she hadn’t been strong enough to be honest with me. Because of her honesty, our relationship has grown and we are able to be open in our interactions. Tiff is a smart, strong, BRAVE woman and I’m so lucky to have her in my life.

Katizzle, my wild and crazy sister back in the day has grown into such a beautiful woman. A smile crosses my face when I think of Katie-she was a little rascal growing up, full of energy and animation who grew into the hardcore soccer queen that has gone through 4 ACL surgeries without complaint, and the one who even now uses words like “crunked” and “skerd”. It took Kates some time to grow into the woman she is, but I love who she has become. This year we have spent a lot of time on the phone, having hour long conversations, laughing and connecting. I am so grateful for the time that we’ve taken to develop our relationship.

Kelbell, the baby, went away to college at Chico this year. I remember having conversations with my brother and other sisters, worrying about her going so far away from home. After her first few weeks, homesickness set in. Because I’m the closest in proximity, Kel and I spent a lot of time on the phone, she came to visit the city quite a few times, and I went up to Chico to see her. As Kelsey starts out on her journey toward self-discovery, I am glad that she calls me for advice or when she needs someone to talk to. These are important years and I feel privileged to be an influence in her life right now.

As I am wrapping this up, I see that although new relationships may not have come into my life, I have maintained and revitalized the ones that were already present. Sometimes it takes looking at what we do have in order to refocus and realize how lucky we are.
.

2007-12-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

Week two of Inner Advent asks us to consider water elements that have flowed through our lives this year.

In reflecting back on how my year unfolded I do see a pattern of darkness to light, confusion to clarity. In the beginning of 2007 I was still without a job, not sure of how I would make my next rent payment or where my life was going. I was suspended in mid air, not sure where I would land. But as the year progressed, I found a job that fit well with me: an academic setting, but with less stress than teaching. I found a job where I can breathe. Once settled into this new position, a path for my future opened up in front of me. I have now applied for the MFA Writing program and hope to start in summer.

Spiritually, I have come a long way from struggling with meditation to enjoying and looking forward to it. I find that I am taking more time for myself these days, time to nurture myself. And I am learning how to ask for what I want, so that I can fill myself up, rather than looking to others for validation. For example, I have asked to have the apartment to myself for a couple of hours on Sundays. It is my one day off from both jobs and I choose to take that time to feed my soul. I meditate, I pull out my journals and play inside of them, I write, I light candles and offer prayers, I take a bath and give myself body scrubs and scented lotion massages. I have never spent this kind of time giving myself this kind of attention. Especially my body…really taking time to give my arms a sugar scrub, buffing my feet, using a body brush to stimulate my skin. It feels good to do so now, to pay attention to the neglected parts of myself, to reclaim them and own them and LOVE them.

My thought patterns have changed over this past year as well. I am much more conscious of my thinking and make an effort to turn negative or mean or harsh thoughts around. I am also able to separate myself from my thoughts, to recognize that just because I think something does not mean that it’s true…and does not mean that the thought is part of me. It is my mind talking and I can choose to let it go. This is huge for me. For most of my life, I’ve let my mind run wild and create worse case scenarios that would keep me awake at night. I would let my mind worry and fret with no end in sight causing physical and emotional stress. Now I am able to breathe through these times and to let the thoughts come and go, without upsetting me.

I feel that the seas of change have swept in and created new and healthier rhythms for me. Although there are still the ups and downs inherent in life, for the most part, I’m floating on calm waters. When the occasional storm rises, it’s nothing I can’t handle.

2007-11-30T13:32:00.000-08:00

As the year comes to an end, I am in the process of creating closure. Last year I was introduced to Lynn Jericho’s Inner Christmas: http://www.innerchristmas.com/. This year in addition to celebrating Inner Christmas, I will also be following her Inner Advent. For the four weeks leading up to Christmas, I will be looking at a different area of my life, using elements and chakras as the guide. Week 1: Earth element, first chakra. Week 2: Water element, second and fifth chakra. Week 3: Air element, fourth chakra. Week 4: Fire element, third and sixth chakras.

This week marked the first week of Inner Advent and I have been contemplating the Earthly elements of my year. Any concrete creations, projects, activities that I have brought to completion. For starters, I found a job early in 2007 and am now feeling settled into my position and comfortable with the responsibilities as well as people that I work with. Back when I was looking for a job, I focused on five qualities that I was looking for and all of those elements are part of my job now. I breathe a sigh of relief when I think back to where I was a year ago, still searching for a job, uncertainty and worry and stress were very much a part of my daily life. Now, I am stabilized in my work.

My work with Fruition has ended this year. I was part of Fruition for about a year and a half and relied on their support in order to integrate healthy eating, cooking, and habits into my lifestyle. In June, when my last group was over, I felt ready to step out on my own. I have enough tools now to know how to take care of myself and give myself what I need, whether it be primary or secondary food. In my work with Fruition, I was introduced to meditation and have really developed my practice this year. In the beginning of the year, I was still frustrated when it came time to meditate. Now I have a regular practice and I look forward to it. I crave it and need it in order to balance and calm myself.

I have also begun exploring my spirituality this year and am having a great time creating new rituals and defining what I believe in. Many books have guided me on this path, including Eat, Pray, Love (I will keep mentioning this book because I am in love with it!), The Red Book, Firstlight, and Pronoia to name a few. I am excited to continue on this journey of discovering places in myself that I never knew existed, and the ways in which I connect with all of life.

My yoga practice is back in place and like meditation, it is something that I crave. My body begs for yoga when I go a few days without it. There is something so soothing about the movements and stretching and focus. When I finish the practice, my body feels spacious and open and alive. I am grateful that I have found my way back to yoga this year and look forward to deepening my practice.

This year I have set financial goals for myself and am working toward them. It feels good to have a budget and know how much money is coming in and where it is going. I sat down a couple weeks ago and reevaluated my values and priorities in my life right now and am focusing on making sure that my money is spent in line with my values. Although finances are tight for this small portion of my life, it feels good to be aware of them and honoring my choices regarding money. I have also taken a second job this year, in order to have more money coming in, as well as to save up for a vacation. I am proud of the way I have chosen to confront and work on my finances, rather than avoiding and ignoring, which was what I did for years.

Just last week I went home for Thanksgiving and learned how to knit. I have been talking about learning to knit for a while and I’m glad that I have added a new skill and hobby.

Looking back over this list of things I’ve brought to completion in 2007, I feel good. I have accomplished much and grown in the process. I am blessed by all that has come to be in the past year. Namaste.

2007-10-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

Why is so hard at times to accept the truth of who I am? I often find myself comparing who I am to other people. I wish that I could open up and make friends more easily, like Eddie. I wish I had the discipline to get myself to a yoga studio and do an hour and a half practice every night for two months, like Tiff. If only I had the initiative with my writing to submit pieces for publication, then maybe I would be on my way to a dream career.

In having this kind of thinking, I’m really judging myself and putting myself down, rather than accepting and celebrating the uniqueness of me. So here it is…the truth about who I am. A start, at least. Out loud (on paper). The silly little nuances and the bigger ideals that create a complete picture of me.

I need rest, lots of rest. Eight hours a night is necessary and I’m not a night owl. As much as I may want to stay up and hang out with friends on weekends, if I want to feel good and stay healthy, I need my sleep. For a long time, I struggled with this. I would try to stay out late and push my body to limits that I knew were too far. It resulted in me getting sick. I spent a good portion of a four-year period in my life sick because I did not listen to the wisdom of my body. I know better now and listen with respect to the messages that my body gives me.

I crave alone time and get very irritable if I don’t have enough time by myself. I need time to read and to write, to do yoga, to meditate, to sit with myself and just be. Everyday, I need little breaks, time-outs, so that I can retreat and replenish. Ten minutes in the church on campus to deepen my breathing and clear my mind. A twenty-minute walk in between jobs so that I can mentally let go of my day at job one. Five minutes to an hour when I get home to transition from the work world to my home life. And then I need longer chunks of time on the weekends to create or journal or just think.

I love writing. My dream is to be a published author who works from home. However, this dream scares me. I doubt my writing talent and ability. How do I know if I’m any good? I worry about being naked, exposed if I do get published or about hurting others if I’m truthful in my writing. Yet I know that when I sit down to write, time becomes irrelevant. I am content with me and the computer or my mind with pen and paper.

I am a sensitive being. My emotional body is very susceptible to the energy of others. In the past, I have allowed the energy of others to seep into myself, morphing me into their emotional state. I have to be very conscious and aware of creating space around myself, so that I separate my emotions from those of another being. I am learning to do this and am getting much better at it. And the truth is, I like being sensitive. I like that I am aware and intuitive about others and myself. Expressing emotions comes easily and naturally to me and while I do cry my fair share and raise my voice in anger, I am releasing the energy of the emotions. It keeps me honest. If something is wrong, I can’t hide it. That’s one place where I don’t hide.

I am deep. I crave depth in my relationships. But I have a hard time trusting people, so it’s extremely difficult to create meaningful relationships because I don’t often give people a chance to truly know me. It’s been so long since I’ve made a new, deep connection that I don’t even know how to go about doing it now. (And I feel silly, like I’m a child, when I admit this). What I want is a circle of trusted friends who can have conversations about spirituality and what we believe in. I want to be surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to be transparent, to be honest about mistakes and failures and embarrassments as well as accomplishments and dreams. I want more than surface talk about jobs and the weather and what’s happening this weekend. I want to know what moves people’s soul. Yet my own worries and inability to completely reveal myself to others hinders the creation of these types of bonds. I don’t know how to have this dream realized in my life. Which makes me sad.

And yet, I already have a handful of deep relationships that do satisfy me. I was blessed with a large family and have a brother and sisters who all care fiercely about one another and can have these kinds of meaningful conversations. It amazes me that as different as we all are in terms of interests and beliefs and dreams and goals, that we still share such a strong bond. The love that radiates between us flows up from a seemingly endless well inside each of us. For this, I know that I am extremely lucky. I have Eddie, a man who sees the truth of all that I am, who saw and realized it before I even did, who has stood by me while I figured it all out. Eddie, who lets me do what I need to do and supports my struggle to grow into myself, even when it impacts his life and our relationship. In Eddie, I have someone who knows the deep depths of my soul and loves me because of what he sees there.

I struggle. Mainly, I struggle with accepting who I am and I’m not really sure why. I know that there are so many gifts I have to offer to others and the world. I feel strongly rooted in the knowledge that I have a purpose in my life and that it will be fulfilled. So why do I continue to resist, to fall back into old and unhelpful patterns in my life? Maybe because I’ve only recently figured out who I am and what I want in life. Perhaps I need to give myself a break and acknowledge that I am where I am in my process. And that’s just fine.

I over-think and analyze too often. I’ve gotten better about this, but it still happens. Rather than trusting myself and my intuition, I question whether I’m making the right choices. I ask everyone else’s opinion, instead of listening to what I know will be right for me. I am working on this, learning to take time to follow my own inner guidance, rather than looking outside of myself for answers.

Most of all, I am an optimist who believes that if we tune into ourselves and pay attention, we will begin to see that life is full of serendipitous moments that are meant to bring us closer to fulfilling our dreams. I have to remind myself time and again to stop. To come back into my body, to pay attention to the rush of cold San Francisco wind on my face, to notice the smell of freshly baked bread as I pass by the patisserie on my way to work, or to feel the dewy grass as it brushes my toes when I walk through it. When I can bring myself out of my mind and back into my body, then I am able to live in each moment, instead of getting caught up in the chatter of my mind, that takes me far from where I am. More and more often, I remind myself. This is who I am and where I am right now. I am content in this moment.

2007-07-24T11:54:00.001-07:00

In six months time, life has shifted from uncertainty into a place of elastic stability. I say “elastic stability” meaning that things are stable and plans are being made, but there is always the factor of change. Plans may shift and the elasticity gives room for these changes to be made without everything falling apart.

This is an exciting time for me. Just last week I was feeling weighted down with working two jobs and the monotony of life that comes with trying to make “responsible” choices (like paying off debt and getting myself on solid financial ground). But then I started planning for my vacation in six months, once I have saved up the money. I made a decision about where I want to travel-Central America. Now, suddenly, there is this excitement that wells up in me throughout the day. I can’t wait for this trip! I’m going to travel through four countries and see the Mayan ruins.

I’ve done Internet research and chose the perfect travel book after much internal debate at the bookstore this weekend. I can’t remember the last time that I felt this sort of enthusiasm and anticipation. I love reading through the travel book and looking at maps and figuring out where I will go, how long I will stay, and what I will be doing. And then knowing that even as I plan, I really have no idea what will happen once I get there. I still love the planning process and am enjoying being wrapped up in it.

This will be the first time that I travel to a foreign country on my own. While there is some fear and slight hesitation, the waves of energy that flow through my body when I think about this trip tell me that this is exactly what I need to do.

Beyond traveling, I am starting to look forward to going back to school next year to get my MFA in Writing. It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was leaving teaching with no idea what life held in store for me. When I tried to look ahead into the future, all I could see was a foggy wall of white, with no idea what the view looked like beyond it. Now there is a clear path opening up before me. That’s not to say that there won’t be roadblocks and potholes along the way. But there is a path.

2007-07-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Where is the place I am right now?

I am at an “in between” time and place of my life. I am working two jobs, trying to get my finances in order. I am trying to put my money where my values are. In doing this, I am exploring where I spend my money each month and trying to cut back in the places where the money is not in line with what I want in my life. Money and work seem to be dominating my life right now. To the point where I see myself losing time for yoga, mediation, and taking care of myself. I am trying to balance this, but find myself so tired these days that there isn’t enough time for everything.

There are so many goals and intentions in my life. Prioritizing needs to happen and for now, money (and work because it’s the means to money) is at the top. My goals for this year are to pay off the open credit cards that I have left, to start a savings account, and to build up money in a travel account so that I can begin traveling out of the country. In a spiritual sense, my goals are to continue and deepen my yoga and meditation practice. I am also working on traveling my own inner path, listening to myself and exploring who I am without help from outside entities (no Fruition or acupuncture or other healers).

I would like to cultivate new friendships as well, but that is a lower priority in this moment. And while I may not be making friendships in the way I have carved it out in my mind, I am building relationships with new and different people in my life…which IS creating new friendships, just not in the form I expected (as so often happens). I am welcoming these new interactions and using these people I have in my life to support me right now.

How is it with me in this moment?

I waver in answering this question. Okay, is the answer that comes to mind. But it’s so boring, so blah. I guess that is an accurate portrayal of how I feel right now. I know what I have to do to get to where I want to be…and so I am taking those steps right now. I am working two jobs, 60-70 hours a week. I am tired most of the time. And I notice how being worn down in my body makes me more emotional. I understand now that when my body is tired, my emotions run wild. I realize that I need to stop and check in with myself throughout the day to keep myself grounded.

I am wanting to move through the next six months so that I am at a more stable financial place. Yet I know that I need to be in this process, to be with and feel this moment of my life. So I am trying to take it day by day. I am trying to remember to slow down, to listen to what my body needs, to be gentle with myself, to accept where I am rather than hoping to rush through to the other side.

This place where you are right now
Was long ago circled on a map for you.

Is there something here, right now, that might assist your soul’s unfolding, enabling you to touch and live from the deep center of who and what you are?

Absolutely. There are always lessons to be learned. I know there is meaning behind where I am at right now. My soul is learning to articulate what its wants and needs are. Finding time for myself is becoming more and more important. Now, with the time constraints of two jobs, I have to be discerning in my choices of how I spend my free time. It takes awareness to come home at the end of a 13-hour day and decide to do yoga or take time for meditation rather than sit on the couch and zone out watching TV. And to be honest, right now, more often than not, I make the choice to fix food and watch TV. But I’m becoming aware of that and realizing that maybe I want to make a different choice. That maybe, yoga or meditation or a run or a bath, might feed my soul and in turn, give me more energy.

2007-06-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

I made a timeline of the last four years of my life and found it interesting that I punctuated time by the jobs I’ve had. My sister would probably punctuate the last four years by the traveling she has done and Eddie might do so by the music that came out or the houses he has lived in. Thinking about this, going inside, I wonder and question, “Do I really want my life to be determined by my work?”

Apparently yes. Or at least that’s a subconscious belief I hold. Yet I never realized it until right now. I equate work with worth. I think that my work has to be meaningful in order for my life to be meaningful. Or at least, that’s what I have thought up until now. What if that’s not true? Who am I then? And how to I want my life to proceed?

Right now, my job isn’t particularly meaningful, in terms of fulfilling my dreams of connecting with and helping others, which I knew going into it. I knew it would be an in between position, giving me a few years to decide what my next move would be. But if my job isn’t meaningful, does that mean that my life doesn’t hold meaning right now? I think not. So many important changes are taking place in my life, inside of me, that I know this is a significant time.

So how do I want to punctuate my life from here on out? What will be the markers that show progress in my life? I’d like to say inner discoveries and processes…yet sometimes these are so subtle and happen gradually, making it hard to measure the moments.

Perhaps now that I’m setting intentions for myself (each year on my birthday, I’ve created a new ritual), I will use those as markers, accentuating the important moments of my life. Choosing events that are varied and hold meaning beyond just what I do, ones that are a more accurate depiction of who I am and what is important to me.

2007-05-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

The tattoo has been started! Last Tuesday I sat through two hours of painful outlining, beginning the process. Now there’s just the coloring left. The chakras are now boldly and permanently a part of my body. In order to get all of the detail that I wanted, I had to make the tattoo bigger than originally planned. But now that I’ve had over a week with it, I love the tattoo! I’m really excited to see the finished product!

Lots of people have been asking me about the chakras. Many people have heard of them (usually referred to in a yoga class), but don’t really know too much about them. Yoga was initially where I was introduced to the chakras as well. I would hear a teacher say that a certain pose was “opening the heart chakra” or to “ground yourself through your root chakra.” I was curious about what these chakras were so I started doing some research. I browsed the internet and found pictures and brief descriptions. I learned of some books written on the subject and bought a couple. If interested, Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith is a great beginner’s guide.

Initially, I liked the symbolic representation of the chakras, the way each symbol looked and that each chakra was associated with a certain color. But as I started learning more, I was fascinated by this energetic system. So here I will try to give a brief, but in depth summary of the chakras. The seven chakras are a spiritual energetic system that begin at the base of the spine and run up the spine and out the top of the head. The chakras are associated with kundalini energy, as well as meridians used in acupuncture.

Each chakra has a sound, an element, a color, a function, and associated body parts. Chakras can be opened or closed and yoga is one way to help balance and open our chakras. If our chakras are closed, it can result in physical and/or emotional disease in the body. The goal then, is to listen to and get to know our bodies, determining where the imbalances lie and then take actions to create more balance within ourselves.

The first chakra is located at the base of the spine and is red. The Sanskrit name is Muladhara. The first chakra represents our basic needs (food, shelter) and is associated with grounding, feeling connected to the Earth and feeling like we belong.

The second chakra is located in the lower belly, right under the belly button and is orange. Svadhisthana is the Sanskrit name. It represents our emotions and ability to feel. It is also associated with sexuality and creativity. Our reproductive organs are connected to this chakra.

The third chakra is located at the stomach or solar plexus and is yellow. The Sanskrit name is Manipura. This chakra is our personal power center, where we have our will and determination. Self-esteem and self worth are formed here. Our digestion is associated with the third chakra.

The fourth chakra, or heart chakra, is located in the chest at the heart center. The color is green (or sometimes pink). Anahata is the Sanskrit name and this is where love, compassion, and understanding come from. The heart chakra is a unifying force where the lower, more physical chakras meet with the higher, more conceptual chakras.

The fifth chakra is located at the throat and is blue. The Sanskrit name is Visuddha. This chakra is associated with communication, speaking our truth, and expression.

The sixth chakra is considered the third eye, on the forehead above and between the eyes. The Sanskrit name is Ajna and the color is indigo. This is where our intuition comes from along with imagination, visualization, and concentration.

The seventh chakra is also known as the crown chakra and radiates out from the top of the head. The color here is white or meant to encompass the entire spectrum of colors. The Sanskrit name is Sahasrara. This chakra is higher knowledge, union, bliss, nirvana.

The symbol that represents each chakra is a circle, lotus, or wheel (chakra is the Sanskrit word for wheel or disc) that then has a certain number of petals. The root chakra (first chakra) has four petals, then the second chakra has six, third has ten, fourth has twelve, fifth has sixteen, sixth has two, and finally the seventh is the lotus of a thousand petals. Inside each lotus, the Sanskrit name is written.

The chakras can be viewed as more concrete or physical in the first three chakras and then moving into abstraction and the spiritual realm the upper four chakras. The lower chakras allow the body to stay grounded and connected to the Earth, enabling the upper chakras to explore more philosophical or spiritual concepts. Again, there is a balancing act taking place even within the chakra system.

If interested in more information, wikipedia has good information at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra I would also recommend checking out Anodea Judith’s website: http://www.sacredcenters.com/index.html Another site that has an easy to read chart where you can see all the attributes of each chakra: http://www.whats-your-sign.com/chakra-symbols.html There are so many more…but you can do a google search if interested! Or get in touch with me if you want more recommendations.

There are so many levels and such depth to this subject! But I think I’ve given enough of an overview here. One more piece I will leave you with, though…Anodea Judith has quite a few books and CDs about chakras. In one book, she talks about how as a society we have been moving through the chakra system. We started out as hunters and gatherers who were primarily concerned with survival (root chakra) and there was a strong connection to Mother Earth. We then shifted into the time where humans learned farming and created communities, both focusing on fertility (second, sacral chakra). Then came the age of power (third chakra). The masculine replaced feminine, we stopped relying as heavily on Mother Earth. Militaries were created, men were taught to surrender their individuality in order to become a collective unit, and the masses were ruled by one. We still have much of this war and violence happening, but we’ve also made huge progress in technology, science, and psychology…many of which are associated with the upper chakras.

So we come into the place we are at right now: somewhere in between the third and fourth chakras. In this “in between” space, it may take all of this war and destruction for us to realize that we need to shift into a new way of being in the world. We need to integrate into the fourth chakra, balancing our vast knowledge with our physical bodies and surroundings. We need to start looking at how our actions are affecting the world around us: physically, emotionally, and mentally. We need to start taking care of each other and of the Earth if we want to see ourselves survive. Judith says this is the place where we are shifting from the “love of power to the power of love.” I hope that in my lifetime, I live to see this world pass through the love of power and move into the power of love.

2007-04-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. There’s been a lot going on this past month and although I haven’t written online, I’ve been doing a lot of writing in my journal. April has been a time for spring cleaning, but perhaps not the traditional kind. I signed up to do a cleanse through my nutrition program and the local yoga studio. It started mid April, but I decided to start preparing in the beginning of the month.

The whole idea behind the cleanse is to take items out of your diet, but find healthier alternatives to replace them with. I started by taking meat out of my diet in week one and adding in more bean protein as well as some soy protein. I’m really liking tempeh these days and have found lots of yummy ways to cook it! This week was pretty simple. I don’t need animal protein, so it wasn’t too hard to give up. Although I did have a momentary lapse of forgetting and while on a road trip, I ordered an In-N-Out burger. Half way through eating it, the lightbulb went on…oops!

“I’m not supposed to be eating meat!” I thought.
Eddie teased me, “So did you throw it away or finish it?”
“I had already eaten half, I might as well finish it,” was my reasoning!

The following week, I took out refined sugars and alcohol. I thought this was going to be the tough one. I’m used to having at least a glass of wine with dinner most nights. And although I don’t eat too much refined sugar, I let it slip in once or twice a week. Keeping busy helped with kicking the alcohol. Having plans and meeting friends and exercising kept my mind off drinking. And I made some cookies with all natural sweeteners to curb the sugar cravings. I did feel extra hungry this week, however. I ate bigger portions and thought a lot about food.

But I also kept thinking about what happened at one of my women’s group meetings. The leader said to one of the women, “What I’m about to say might come out sounding harsh, but I’m going to say it to you anyway…Stop playing. It’s time to stop playing.” I really felt those words resonate inside me. It’s time to stop playing with alcohol. I use it to hide behind, to push urges and emotions away. But it’s time for me to stop pretending that I’m not meant to have a great life…that I’m not meant for great things. I AM. And numbing myself out does not serve a purpose for me. It’s time. Now. To stop playing. I rose to the challenge and have felt great for the past two and a half weeks. I've used my extra time to read and research and write and play and build new friendships.

At this point in the cleansing process, “the cleanse group” had our first meeting. Sixty people! We spent three hours together on a Saturday talking about our bodies, our goals, the digestive system, being gentle and listening to ourselves. I left feeling overwhelmed, but ready to go deeper. Dairy was the next item on the list. I love cheese and there are so many different flavors and textures that it’s easy for me to eat it everyday. But dairy also produces extra mucous in the body (I know, it’s just what you wanted to hear about) and with my allergies, that hasn’t be helpful. So goodbye to dairy too!

I felt great this week. I made lots of yummy, simple, light recipes. My body felt lighter and calmer. As I looked back at the past three weeks, I realized it hadn’t been as hard as I thought it was going to be. And I was prepared to go into the next phase…the Master Cleanse (which consists of lemon water, maple syrup, and cayenne). You just drink the concoction all throughout the day…and that’s it!

So I started out on Saturday and it was pretty easy. The drink sustains you so that you don’t feel hungry. It has all the nutrients and minerals your body needs. I made it through day one and was ready to take on day two. On day two, I got up and went for a long walk on the beach with a friend. Getting out and taking up time is the best way to keep the mind off food! But as the afternoon wore on, all I could think about was food. Eddie and I went to run some errands and I realized how much we are bombarded with images of food. It’s everywhere. Billboards for restaurants, walking by actual restaurants (which there are so many of in SF), commercials. It seemed like everywhere I looked, there was something that reminded me of food. Then I started getting crabby. All I could think about was chicken apple sausage and turkey burgers and bean burritos (from Roberto’s) and chicken burritos with the delicious sauce from Fidel’s. I was losing it!

Honestly, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. All I wanted was food, specifically protein. And so that night I made the decision that I would go off the Master Cleanse. Part of doing this cleanse was to get more in touch with my body and listen to its messages. I didn’t want it to be an ego or will power thing…"I must push myself and do the cleanse for all seven days". So I listened and made myself a bowl of quinoa, pinto beans, spinach, and fresh salsa.

And I didn’t beat myself up or feel bad that I didn’t go for longer. Instead I felt proud of myself for doing the Master Cleanse for two days. And I felt proud for listening to my body and being gentle with myself. I still feel great. I’m now doing juices and veggies and fruits, adding some protein into smoothies as well.

Many new discoveries are happening inside during this time also. I’ve never really taken the time to take care of myself the way I have in the past few weeks. I’ve really been thinking about what I want and need and then doing those things for myself. I’ve been getting out with friends and taking lots of baths and meditating. I’ve been keeping an “Inquiry Page” in my journal where I write down questions that come up. And after letting them sit for a while, I see if answers come to me.

One of the questions that came up surrounded my “wanting” (which I talked about in another blog). Different sources revealed themselves around this issue making me think about why I’m feeling unsatisfied. Where was this craving for material things coming from? What part of me was feeling empty and needing to be filled up? Ultimately the question became, What deeper emotional need isn’t being met?

I put the question out there…to the Universe, to my Inner Guide. And I let it sit for a day. Then one night, I got into the bath and put on a meditation CD that had been given to me. I lay in the hot water moving through my mind and my insides, guided by the CD. An hour later, the guide asked me to visualize the blank screen in my mind and watch what popped up. What question was being answered on my inner screen?

First I saw the word love. Then above that came the word self. Finally pure appeared at the top. Pure Self Love. I have never given this to myself. In fact, for most of my life I’ve been extremely harsh and hard on myself. But I am starting to soften and open up to loving myself. And I am seeing myself transform as I am learning to really love and take care of myself.

I should also mention here that I got married to myself over the weekend!!:-) I am reading a book called "Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings". The author was in town and performing a ceremony where you could marry yourself. It was at the beautiful Grace Cathedral. I went and it was a humorous and yet important moment. He had us blowing kisses to ourselves and repeating after him (sometimes singing, other times shouting) that we would be our own husband and our own wife, that we would not look to anyone else to fill us up or make us complete but instead would do those things for ourselves, and holding our own hand and promising to love ourselves fully. So it's official now, I'm married...to me!

By cutting down on food and shifting the focus inside, many ideas and emotions and layers have surfaced. I am enjoying being in this process, seeing what comes up, where I can release, and how I can connect to myself more deeply. In doing all of these things, I am setting the stage for an abundant life. Like I said before, I am meant for great things and to have a beautiful life. I am beginning to build that life now!

2007-03-22T11:08:00.001-07:00

I have been saying that I am on a spiritual journey. I get questions from people asking what that means. What do I believe? Where is this journey taking me?

I am not religious, which is why I choose the word spiritual instead. I do not believe that I have to choose one religion and follow all of its rules…or else. I enjoy learning about or experiencing parts of different religions and taking the pieces that resonate within me to keep as part of my spiritual practice. So what does it look like?

I go to yoga classes where often the teacher shares wisdom that is in line with my belief system. The idea that we are each whole and perfect just as we are, that we are exactly where we are meant to be in this moment, breathing through emotions and feelings, nonviolence toward ourselves and others, that a shift in one person’s energy can ripple out into the world causing change.

I have been to a Buddhist meditation and dharma talk where the ideas of mindfulness, going inward, letting go, and being present touch a place in me.

I am getting a tattoo of the chakras, which are energy systems running along the spine, each one associated with particular emotions, body organs, and human needs. I believe that it is important to nurture the needs and emotions of each chakra in order to keep the body balanced.

I have had energy work done with a healer who helped me to visualize events and people and create a place for healing to occur around these situations. I work with an acupuncturist who is trained in traditional Chinese medicine, which focuses on a holistic and natural approach to health, rather than treating just the symptom. I believe in energetic healing and digging deeper into a person’s emotional and mental health in order to understand physical manifestations of sickness.

I created an altar at my house that holds a mini Buddha statue, a rose quartz stone (which opens the heart chakra), candles, a chakra pendulum, and a God box (which I never thought I’d be saying-I have such a hard time with the G word…but it’s a place where I put pieces of paper with prayers on them…giving them up to the Spirit or God or Buddha or Universal Life Force or whatever you want to call it). I love this little sanctuary and I add and remove items as I feel necessary.

Lately I have been feeling a strong draw toward the Hindu god Ganesha. He is the god who can create or remove obstacles in one’s life. He is also seen as the god of beginnings, so anytime a person is starting something new or getting something new, s/he offers a prayer to Ganesha. It is said that Ganesha brings success and prosperity wherever he is. I am looking for a small statue to place on my altar and offer particular prayers to Ganesha relating to obstacles in my life.

Books are also part of my spirituality. I love reading and gain many ideas, insights, and beliefs from books. Some recent titles that I identify with are: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, The Red Book by Sera Beak, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig, In the Meantime by Ayanla Vanzant, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Sera Beak really gave me permission to follow this playful search for spirituality. Her book opens endless possibilities for ways to connect with the Spirit. She also talks about the Spirit or God having a sense of humor. The idea of God always felt like an authoritative figure looking down at me, keeping tabs on my good and bad deeds. She reframes this view and helped me to expand my own beliefs about the Spirit.

One last part of my spirituality is prayer and meditation. Elizabeth Gilbert distinguishes between the two by saying that prayer is talking or asking for what you want, while in meditation, you get quiet and listen. I find myself praying throughout the day, any time and anywhere: on the bus on the way to work, when I’m running at the gym, while cooking dinner. Mediation happens at least once a day for me and is certainly the more challenging piece for me. (It’s easy to talk, talk, talk, but to get quiet and listen takes more effort). I am feeling more at peace with meditation though and like anything, the more I practice, the more I make it routine, the easier it is to do.

I offer this to those of you wondering what my spiritual journey looks like. It is a discovery process right now, a place where I play and feed my creativity. I find certain ideas and beliefs work for me, while others don’t. I am taking the ones that do and finding ways to integrate them into my life. I am having conversations with the Spirit. I feel energized and alive. And that makes me believe that I am following the right path for me in this moment.

2007-03-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

I want a few more decorations for the walls in my room. I want to go to Thailand this year. I want a new shelving unit for my kitchen. I want a tattoo. I want more books (because I don’t have enough already spilling over my bookshelves). I want a coffee table. I want, I want, I want.

I find myself constantly thinking about all the things I want, all the house decorations or clothes or trips I want to take. And every week, I’m reviewing my budget…never having enough to pay for all of the things I want. And the bottom line is, once I get all of those things that are on my list of “wants” now, there will be a new list in progress. It never ends.

Where can I find a place of acceptance and peace with where I am at and what I have RIGHT NOW? Why am I always trying to have more and more…and then left feeling frustrated because I can’t afford all of the things I want? And what about all of the things I already have?

I am struggling with being content and satisfied (and GRATEFUL) right now, right where I’m at in this moment. I have consolidated my debt and am finally (for the first time in years) living within my means. No extra spending on credit cards, nothing more than what I can afford. I am very happy about this because it feels good to know that when I purchase something, I am doing so with money I’ve made (not money I will be making in the future). And I’m spending my money in alignment with my values, meaning I’m choosing to spend my money on activities and things that support and nourish me (yoga, nutrition courses, books, acupuncture). It feels good to be in control of my finances. But control of the mind, there’s where I need to do some work.

In my prayers, I ask for abundance in all areas of my life-relationships, money, work, spirituality, health. I notice that the more I focus on all that I do have in these areas, the more that comes to me.

With money, for so long (and often still) I focus on not having enough. I have been experimenting with believing that money will come to me when I need it, that I will always be provided for, that I will always have enough. And I’ve noticed that when I frame my thinking in this way, the money does show up when I really do need it.

But still, I am stuck with wanting a house that is my sacred space (and so needs to be decorated accordingly) and a new office that I still want to add some finishing touches on at work and on and on.

At yoga on Friday, my teacher touched on this subject (as often happens when I am struggling with something, a yoga teacher addresses it in practice-synchronicity). He said something to the effect of “let go of all of your wants, know that everything you want, everything you need is already right here inside yourself.” I know that he’s right. Deep down, I know that.

Yet I still want. I am running in circles on this one. I know that possessions do not make me a better person or define me, yet it’s so hard to not want. I am looking at this as a place to explore within myself that will hopefully open up new understanding and dimensions inside. As a baby step for this week, I started an “I am grateful for…” list and I have to put down at least 10 things each day. I’m already at 7 for today and here’s 8: I am grateful that I have a blog where I can wonder and vent and express myself.

So, no answers or endings today. Just the questions to ponder: How can I let go of wanting? Where in my life can I release wants? Why am I constantly in need of more? Can I find a place where what I have is enough?

2007-02-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I had my final meeting with Alice. It's crazy how quickly a year can go by. When the end of our first 6 months came upon us, I knew I was not ready to stop working with her. I had not met many of the goals that I had set out for myself upon entering the program:

1. finding a new job
2. losing weight
3. creating an exercise routine
4. learning to eat healthier

As I look over this list, I can see that I have met my goals and then some. Driving over to Fruition, my mind focused on all that I had accomplished in the past year. Alice helped me to get very clear about what it was that I wanted in a job. Once I had found the key characteristics that I was looking for, she helped me to put them into positive affirmations. (Instead of saying "I don't want to feel drained at the end of the day" it became "I want a job that engages me and gives me energy"). Then I would ask for these things everyday. The job that I now have is exactly what I asked for: a warm, friendly environment that I look forward to coming to each day, working with people who are helpful and kind, making the amount of money I want, I am in the city (just a 10 minute bus ride from home), and the job provides flexibility. Beyond what I asked for, there is a gym on campus, so I can exercise after work. And they will pay for my education when I decide to get my Master's degree (which I have been thinking about and will hopefully begin next summer). When I said these things out loud last night, Alice and I were giddy with excitement and really in awe of the fact that, even though it took time, I got everything I wanted and more!

My weight is dropping and I am about halfway to my ideal weight. I've been to the acupuncturist (one of my rewards for making it to a certain weight), which was amazing. The difference between this Eastern version of medicine versus Western doctors really struck me. The acupuncturist sat with me for 30-40 minutes talking about my health-any and all conditions from physical to emotional. Usually doctors are in such a hurry that I don't even give them all of my physical symptoms before they've prescribed a bottle of pills and sent me on my way. At the end of this discussion, she came to the conclusion that I had a spleen deficiency and so put the needles along the meridian lines that would move energy blocks to and from this area. While laying on the table with the needles in me, an eye pillow resting over my eyes, and soft beach sounds playing in the background, I had a tranforming meditative experience. For about 20 minutes, I lay there with thoughts gently running through my mind. I wasn't frustrated that my mind wouldn't get quiet. I just watched my thoughts. After that I slipped into a state where I saw colorful visions playing on my mind's screen. A bright, fiery ball of yellow that sizzled downward. Flashes of blue flames. Pieces of a vivid drawing that looked like a tattoo on someone's arm. They would come and go. When it came time to come back into reality, I took the eye pillow off and there was soft, beautiful, blurred white light flowing into the room. The entire event was refreshing.

I am starting to look toward my next weight loss reward: a tattoo of the chakras going up my spine. I have an artist in mind and we are in the process of finding a time to meet. I came up with the idea months ago, but knew that it needed to be a symbol of growth and that I would get it once I felt that something (anything, everything) had shifted in me. I am at that place now. I want to get it done before my birthday in May, since I really feel like this year, my 27th year, has been the year of change. I'll send pictures once it's done!

Needless to say, upon coming to the final session this time around, Alice and I both knew I had come to the end, even though the end is really a new beginning for me.

2007-02-08T15:29:00.000-08:00

I do not have the motivation or the inspiration or whatever the word is that I am looking for…to write right now. Which is why I am making myself do this. I am sitting in my very own office at my new job looking out the window at the steady rain that falls, dripping off the branches and leaves that frame my window. I am lucky. So much has gone on and is going on inside…yet I am finding it hard to put words on paper or even formulate thoughts in my mind. I don’t know what I want to write about or what I have to say. And this is why I start here, because this is where I am.

I have nothing else to do right now, so why am I resisting writing? Ah, there it is: resistance. Lately I find that many of the things I resist are exactly the things I need. For example, I had a cooking class a couple weeks ago and didn’t want to go after I got home from work. I knew that once I got there it would give me just the right combination of calmness and energy. But still I did not want to go. My mind started trying to find reasons not to go. The car brakes are squeaking, maybe it’s unsafe to drive. I’m tired; maybe I’m getting sick and should stay home and rest. Even as I drove down the street, forcing myself to go, I tried one last attempt at skipping out. If I wasn’t going to give myself permission to miss class, maybe someone else would. I called Eddie, using the squeaky brake excuse. He didn’t buy into it and so I made my way to cooking class.

I watched myself doing this: creating excuses, actively resisting an activity that I knew would be enjoyable and healing for me. Why am I so unwilling to do the things that are in my best interest? But somehow, I managed to get to where I needed to be and had a wonderful cooking class. There was an openness and understanding and community with all of the women. So many great conversations and realizations took place throughout the night. When I left, again I questioned, Why do I fight coming to cooking classes or going to yoga? Even on nights when I am tired or crabby or hungry (especially on those nights)…making my way to cooking or yoga is the best thing I can do for myself. I always leave feeling energized and supported and balanced.

It’s still a day-by-day process, a struggle to get myself to follow through with activities that fill me up (rather than falling back into old habits that deplete me-laying on the couch staring at the TV with a glass of wine). I’d say I’m at the 50/50 mark right now. Half of the time I choose old patterns that take from me and the other half I spend creating new, healthier habits. And no matter what choice I make, I am aware each time that I have a choice and consciously choose.

Choice is empowering. It gives me ownership and holds me accountable for my life. I like realizing that I have choices (even when I make ones that deplete me) and that I don’t feel like things are just “happening” to me. For many years, I lived in that place of being a victim. Everything happened to me rather than me making choices to create the life I wanted.

But back to resistance-I know that whatever I am resisting is exactly what I need to explore. I know those places of resistance are a guide, leading me down paths where I can learn something about myself. Generally, the resistance comes from a place of uneasiness or unknowing and it makes me open myself up a little bit deeper and stretch my limits further. Often I don’t want to do that. I want to stay in my comfort zone. Yet once I step out and release myself from constricted boundaries, amazing discoveries await me on the other side. And I am learning to let a fear and uneasiness into my comfort zone, accepting them as coaches that push me to the next level of understanding in my journey.

2007-01-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about the healing process lately. In large part because I am really starting to see the healing that is taking place within myself. For most of my life, I felt young. No matter what age I was, I always felt younger. As a kid and even through high school, I would see adults and picture what life at 21 or 25 or 30 would be like. But when I reached 21, I didn't feel like how I thought I would at that age. Especially after graduating college and getting a job. When I turned 25 and was teaching and living in San Francisco, I looked at my life and inside I felt like I was still such a child. I hadn't really grown up. I wondered if I would always feel this way. If throughout the rest of my life, I would find myself at an age and be disappointed that I hadn't grown into that age yet.

Well, here I am at 27 and I no longer feel like the late bloomer. In fact, within the span of about ten to twelve months, I feel like I've surpassed my age. And I feel comfortable in my body and with myself about who I am and where I'm at in my life at 27. The ways that I have been stretched to my limits and beyond in the past year have given me the ability to finally feel comfortable and content with who I am.

I should mention here that I received a fabulous job offer this week, which I accepted (with extreme gratitude). Earlier in my writing, I talked about feeling like I was suspended in midair-I had taken this leap into the unknown, had left the familiar, but could not yet see where I would be landing. Now, I have landed. And I am so grateful to be where I am at in my life right now. I know that the past seven months of uncertainty were given to me for a reason and that I needed that time to work on myself and make changes in my life. However, I am savoring this moment that I can release deeply into. "Ahhhhh," I exhale my sigh of relief. It is over. I have made it through. Thank you, Spirit, thank you.

My sister, Tiff, emailed me saying, "Isn't it crazy that this is what has been planned for you all along?" It reminded me of a book I love (read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, it is amazing). In it, she talks about a Sufi poem and says, "God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen." That is exactly how I feel right now.

2007-01-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs sacred space, an area where you feel free to simply be. A place you can visit anytime to soothe your mind. A place where imperfections and hopes and sadness can all swim together. Creating this space can often be hard. When there isn’t a physical location, where then do you find the space? For me, I’ve created a healing place in my mind first, before I was lucky enough to find physical places of sacred space.

Back in college, I went on an amazing, life-changing adventure backpacking through Hawaii. On this trip, I challenged myself physically, mentally, and emotionally in ways that I had never done before. The end result was the transformation of myself, from a sad, depressed, confused girl to a young woman with some perspective and a more optimistic outlook on life. After I returned from this trip, I would find that in difficult times, in order to ground myself, I would take myself back to a specific hike and the accomplishment I felt taking each step up the mountain or often times, to a small pool of water with a grand waterfall that stretched beyond my view upward, cascading down over my head. Putting myself back in these moments somehow calmed me. Hawaii was my sacred space. If ever I couldn’t fall asleep at night, I would imagine one of the waterfalls that I swam under. I would transport myself back to that time, in that sacred space, and within minutes I would be asleep.

These sacred spaces, then, do not need to be physical, but can be memories of a time and place that we hold onto in our minds. They can be places we carve out within ourselves that we can go to when we have nowhere else to turn.

More recently in my life, I have been blessed with an extra bedroom in my apartment. I have turned this room into my own sacred space. This is the room I am in right now, as I type. I have two desks in here to hold all of the tools I need for my creative projects: my computer for writing, books, a drawing pad, lots of markers and pens, CDs, piles of colorful paper, journals. There is a bulletin board hanging next to me with bits of inspiration: a card from my sister, one from my mom. I have put up scraps of paper where I have written quotes or things I want to remind myself of each day. I also have up my rewards for meeting certain benchmarks with my weight (soon I’ll be going to an acupuncturist). I have a feng shui map that I created of my apartment with magazine clippings collaged around it. Then there is my “shrine” I created back when I was working through The Artist’s Way. A small table with candles, a butterfly box where I put the names of people I am thinking of and praying for, a little Buddha that one of my students once gave me, and a pendulum. I created a sign that I posted behind the shrine, which reads, “WHAT DO I WANT?” This is where I do yoga each day and what I sit before when I pray or meditate. I am constantly grateful that I have this physical room to come to whenever I need it.

And another physical space that has become sacred for me: Alice’s office. Alice is my holistic health counselor. Whenever I walk into her office, I am immediately transparent. I may have been holding back tears all day and as soon as I walk in and she asks how I am, they spill forth. There is no room to hide here. I can say or do anything and know that it is okay. It is a completely safe place for me. Often I do not allow myself to feel certain feelings or I try to push thoughts out of my mind because I don’t consider them “good” or “right”. But in this place, there is no judgment. I have found that lately, when I cannot fall asleep, Hawaii is no longer working to clear my mind and put me to sleep. Perhaps I have outgrown that space and no longer need it. I am finding that I need a new place to go to and that putting myself in Alice’s office has worked to create that feeling of calm and peace within me.

Finding sacred space is necessary for healing and creation and everything in between. Being able to have places of peace and calm that can be called your own makes such a difference. I am thankful for the sacred spaces that have put me to sleep, helped me to heal, and the ones that continue to hold me as I make my way through life.

2007-01-13T14:34:00.000-08:00

I close my eyes, ready to meditate. My prayer begins, that is how I start out my meditation time. Today I am asking for calm to wash over me, to stay with me so that I don’t lose it again. (Two days ago, I spent most of the day crying-in my bed, in the shower, at the computer. Basically, wherever I went to try to get away from the tears, they followed). I ask for space to be opened up within me and around me, so I have room to breathe. I remind myself that I am not a job and I am not money. These things do not define who I am. And because I have neither right now, that does not mean that I need to freak out, beat myself up, or get lost in a downward spiral of sadness and fear. Then I ask my mind to get quiet and I repeat my mantra, “I am here, now, in the present.” For some reason, today my mind feels still. A few thoughts pop up now and then, but I ask them to quietly go and bring my mind back into focus. Twelve minutes pass, my timer beeps, and I am surprised to find myself turning off the timer and going back into my meditation.

When I started meditating, I found it very hard to sit still and try to quiet my thoughts. There were so many of them, fighting to be heard. I didn’t know how to silence them and I would end up getting mad at myself for having so many thoughts. So I decided, I would just use meditation as a time of prayer, thanking the Spirit for the gifts in my life, asking for love or sending love to others. But I knew prayer was not really meditation. Then I got some books on meditation and tried some of their ideas, like staring at a flame or at a particular spot in front of me. That was too hard for me. I would get bored or look around the room. I knew I needed to have my eyes closed, it helped me to go inward. At some point along the way, repeating a mantra came into my meditation time. Picking a string of words, a phrase, or a sentence and just repeating it.

As I began to take time each morning to meditate, I started out giving myself five minutes. Even with that small of an amount of time, I would find myself peeking at the clock, checking if the time had passed. So I decided to use a timer, that way I wouldn’t have to check if my time was up, it would beep and I would know. Originally, even the use of a timer was reason to pick on myself. “Real people who meditate, true meditators, wouldn’t use a timer.” But I am learning and if a timer works for me for now, then let it be. I have to give myself credit for even spending two minutes a day meditating. A year ago, I didn’t take that time for myself.

I am realizing that I have come a long way in this past year. I still have a long way to go, as well, but it’s nice to know that I have made progress. Just taking the time each day, even if my mind resists and the thoughts run wild (which they still do quite often), taking time out every day, I am building up strength and persistence. And the days when I am able to get a clear and quiet mind lead to such inner happiness. I can feel the difference on those days. And I feel that in time I will be led to more fully understand the Spirit and the workings of this world, as well as my place within it. So for now, I just show up because that is what I can do at this time: show up and try to get quiet, allowing myself the space to listen and connect within.

Because truly, what meditation means to me is connecting with the Spirit that lives within me. I believe we are each born with the Spirit inside of us and when we meditate, we connect with and are able to listen to that inner guide who is our perfect self.

2006-12-22T09:13:00.001-08:00

As the year comes to a close, it brings up thoughts of how the past year was spent and how to improve ourselves in the year to come. I’ve never been big on New Year’s Resolutions. I suppose because even the few years that I came up with some, I never really followed through on them.

This year feels different. I feel like I want to create a ritual to acknowledge this past year and set intentions for the upcoming year. I’ve already spent some time thinking and writing in my journal about this. I can honestly say that this year has been one in which I have made the most growth as a person. I look back to January, and see the place that I was at then compared to where I am now, and so much progress has been made.

I started out 2006 by being honest, admitting that I didn’t want to teach. From there, it seemed that the Spirit began guiding me: through the Artist’s Way, into my health program, reconnecting with yoga and myself, beginning to meditate. It’s hard to explain on paper the difference in my being, my self. Recently, I have really begun to notice how much more aware I am of my mind and thoughts, how I am able to watch what I am thinking and really turn my thoughts around when they falter back into old thought patterns. I feel the most mentally and emotionally healthy that I ever have. For all of these gifts, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have had this year to discover and realize who I really am.

When I think of my family and this past year, there are so many thoughts that come to mind. It has been a challenging and rewarding years in so many ways and for so many of us. Through moves and job changes and death and heartbreak, each difficult situation seemed to bring different people together to connect in new ways. To me, it seems we are uniting in a more open and honest way.

I want to tell Tiffany that I admire her courage for embarking on a solo journey to Thailand, in search of finding peace within herself. Katie, your strength and endurance in going through more surgeries without complaint amazes me. To Kels, I congratulate you on making your way through the tumultuous times of high school. Know that it is almost over, and you will be on to bigger and better things! You have many new experiences ahead of you and I am excited for your next stage of life. Trevor and Porsha, I have seen so many transformations take place this year. I am proud of your commitment and perseverance. Mom, through moves and new jobs and losing your mom, this has been a year of changes. But I have seen a more peaceful and accepting side of you.

As for 2007, my intentions are to continue with what I have been doing: searching, discovering, listening, paying attention, learning, and accepting. I want to deepen my yoga practice, as well as my work with meditation. I plan to continue my current health program and add to it when I feel it necessary (I will be going to an acupuncturist in January and will see where that leads). I think my biggest, most challenging intention for the new year is to meet new people and allow myself to be open and honest in these interactions. I have hidden my social side in many ways since moving to San Francisco. I feel ready to open up that part of me again, letting new people deeply into my life, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I look back at this year with much gratitude and appreciation. I know that this will stick out in my memory as an important time of life. In looking forward, I feel a strong positive energy. Things will continue to evolve and deepen. I am excited and ready for what lies ahead. And as for this moment, I am grateful for the space I have carved out inside of me that can quietly accept (with a smile) just being right here, right now.

2006-12-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

I’ve been too tired to do anything when I get home. I’m subbing at my old school, the one I left because teaching was not for me. They called last week, on a particularly lousy lunch hour, when I was questioning whether I should just walk out on yet another awful temp job. One of the teachers threw out her back and they needed to get someone in the classroom who could get the kids under control and back to work. The minute I heard the message, I knew I would take the job and I did.

It’s been five days and I love it and am worn out by it. I feel like I’m back home. All of my old students have come to greet me with excited looks of confusion, “Ms. Lottes! What are you doing back here?!” I received lots of hugs and warm welcomes from teachers and students. Parents are coming by to tell me how nice it is to see me back around campus. And yet, the feeling of overwhelming and endless responsibilities hovers around me. It is nice being there without the total accountability of being a full time teacher. I don’t have to attend meetings or write report cards or plan major lessons. But I have come home every night with a deep exhaustion. I am asleep by 8 or 9. If I try to stay up later, my body physically won’t let me. My eyes droop shut, like heavy weights are resting on them, pulling them down. This afternoon, I came home and slept for two hours, a heavy, restless sleep. The kind where I’m tossing and turning and wake up groggy and hot and disoriented.

This only affirms to me that I made the right decision. For some reason, my body is not able to handle the extreme involvement of teaching. But here I am, back where I started. Hundreds of resumes later, with no real job prospects in sight, still no job offers, hardly any calls back. I am tired of the job search. I am tired of going to (temporary) work each day and knowing that I should come home and hunting for more jobs, sending out more resumes…because nothing is bringing any results.

I know there must be some reason. I’m done feeling undeserving or like I don’t have strong qualities to offer. I know I’m smart, I know I’m hard working, I know I’ll do well in my next endeavor. But where is the next opportunity? When is it going to present itself? How long do I have to wait? I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to feel settled. I want my ideal job: a place with a warm environment where I am happy to come to work everyday and feel calm and contented, a place where the people are kind and helpful and some are like minded and will become friends, a place where I am valued and the work I do is valuable. These are the things that I ask the Spirit to send me. Everyday. I am asking everyday. Where is this job?

Anger, sadness, stress, worry…all these emotions pulse through me. And then moments of peace, where I am still. I do not want to fight where I am. But I do not want to be here anymore. I am grateful that short-term jobs are presenting themselves, keeping me somewhat afloat for now. I wait for the day when I receive the ideal job that is balanced between the constant chaos of teaching and the monotony of boring office work: a job that engages and interests me, but that does not take my energy from me (and perhaps, even gives me energy).

And so I am here, waiting…

2006-11-22T09:42:00.000-08:00

As my thoughts come to me and I find a way to express them in words, verbal or written, giving them voice, I am freeing myself from a self imposed confinement. For so long, I kept my thoughts hidden away, in journals and my mind, holding on to them for dear life, afraid of what might happen if I let them out. These thoughts created armor around me, an extra layer to keep a distance, so others could not get in and I could not let my true self out.

As I began my journey toward better health, I took in all of the new ideas and concepts: whole foods, grains, herbs, primary vs. secondary foods, interconnectedness. I didn’t even know what eating whole foods meant before Fruition. I have learned so much in these seven months and am still learning. I am eating when I’m hungry and choosing foods that nourish my body, providing energy and balance, rather than those that deplete me. I have incorporated exercise into my schedule and found again my passion for yoga. And still, even after taking all of these steps, six months into my program, I had not lost any weight.

My counselor suggested that maybe I was carrying around emotional weight. We talked about how holding on and storing so many emotions, memories, and thoughts could create extra weight. So not only was creating a barrier around myself a metaphor, but it was a physical manifestation that could actually be seen in my body. It was a new concept-emotional weight-but it made sense. So then, what do I do about it? How do I lose emotional weight? There is no known solution. Going to the gym or eating the right foods does not help to get rid of emotional weight.

Some of the strategies I tried were acknowledging emotions as they come up, feeling my feelings and then choosing how I want to respond, if at all. Beginning to speak up to others, truthfully, about what I want and need. And most importantly, taking care of myself. I was so used to putting the needs of others first and always gauging what others wanted, that the thought of taking care of myself seemed selfish. The more I started thinking about it, and practicing it, I realized that unless I take care of myself, I am not able to give the best of myself to others. Finding the time to eat right, exercise, take a bath, read, and do nice things for myself are now part of my routine. Yet still, adding all of these elements into my life did not help the weight come off.

Instead the solution has come to me in the most unexpected way. Since I have started my blog and have begun to share the depths of myself, now the weight is beginning to shed. It is my belief that in letting go of my thoughts, releasing them into the world, they are now shared by others. They no longer need to live inside of me. They no longer need to take up space in me and weigh me down. I am freeing the thoughts, freeing myself, freeing up space…and in doing that, I am finding myself-physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

2006-11-18T08:15:00.000-08:00

In a relationship, acceptance can often be the hardest part. I find myself picking at annoying habits like always having noise blaring, whether it’s the TV or music or video games. I like quiet sometimes and don’t like that I have to hide out in one of the back rooms in order to find it. Or the fact that he stays up late for no reason, even if he is tired, and doesn’t come to bed until one or two in the morning. I want him to come to bed with me, every night. And one more thing, I like to come home at the end of a work day and see the house in order and the bed made. It feels soothing for me to see a nicely made bed (yes, I realize I am slightly crazy and anal for saying it). But I leave earlier in the morning and his idea of making the bed is throwing all the sheets and covers onto the bed in disarray, just so long as they aren’t lying on the floor.

How is it that two people come together and decide to share their lives? Especially when the people are complete opposites, which my boyfriend and I are. Physically, he is tall and thin and has a dark complexion and I am short, curvy, and have light features. Emotionally, he holds feelings back and I let them pour out my eyes whenever they come up. When we fight, he wants to get away and have some space, I want to talk right away and work it out. He is loud, funny, social, opinionated, the life of the party. Everyone loves him right away. I am quiet, observant, keep things to myself, and have a good sense of humor with those I know. Everyone loves me once they’ve had time to get to know me (which can take awhile before I open up). And yet somehow, here we are after four years, making it work.

Acceptance. In yoga, my teacher says that we are not to judge ourselves or where we are at in our lives. He says that we are all right where we should be, right where we are meant to be, in every moment. This thought helped me tremendously as I began my job search and found nothing. My old thoughts jumped right in with, “You’re not good enough. No one wants to hire you. You don’t deserve a better job. You don’t deserve to be happy.” But this new idea was able to counter that with, “I am exactly where I should be in this moment.” Even though I didn’t always want to be where I was at that moment, it still felt good to validate that I am whole and complete and perfect just as I am. Then one day, I realized that if I am just where I need to be in my life, so is everyone else. My job is not to try to change others, to get them to be more like me or join me on my path. My job is to accept others, right now just as they are, knowing that they are perfect and whole and where they need to be in their lives.

Suddenly I could look at my boyfriend in a whole new way. He doesn’t react to situations the same way I would, he does things in his own way. And once I started to look at him through eyes of acceptance, it became much easier to appreciate all of the wonderful things about him.

It is my belief that relationships exist to teach us how to love (ourselves and others). Now to be honest, I did not create that last sentence, I heard someone else say it, but since I believe it to be true, I’m borrowing it. Relationships are a learning process. In them, we get to be the teacher and the student. I am able to teach Eddie about expressing feelings while he has taught me about respecting myself and having high expectations. He has opened me up to a whole new world of music and politics. I have shared yoga and cooking with him. We each have our own separate passions, but we are able to share them with one another.

Acceptance is one of those traits you have to be constantly mindful about. It is easy to slip back into pointing out the flaws and irritating behaviors. But if you can shift your thinking and look for acceptance, it will change the way you see others.

Eddie may do things loudly, but that includes loving me loudly. He is very affectionate and tells me everyday that he loves me. He may not make the bed, but he makes me laugh. He may not come to bed at the same time as me every night, but he is always there when I wake up.

As I am slowly learning how to accept myself, it is opening me up to being more accepting of others as well. I am learning how to love with truth. How to truly love.

2006-11-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

Normally I'd be asking myself, "Why?!" Why is this happening to me?
Why is this taking so long?

It just is. I cannot do anything to make time speed up or even give me
a glimpse into the future. I just have to wait it out. I have to
accept that I am here right now. I am in this moment of uncertainty
and unknowing. How long will this moment last? I don't know when it
will end...or when my next beginning begins. All I know is that it is
taking time. And that I am lucky enough to have people around me who
are supportive and giving, who are helping me out right now.

My brother has given me money, without my having to ask and with no
strings attached. My dad has done the same. And no one, not family or
friends, has once asked me why I quit my last job before securing a
new one. No one has hinted that maybe I didn't make the "best" choice.
All of these things mean so much to me. I know in my heart that I made
the right choice. I have no regrets about leaving teaching. I was not
happy. I needed change. Even though right now it would be easy to
question my decision, I do not. And I appreciate that those close to
me respect me and honor my choices.

I am feeling okay with this in between time, peaceful even. I
surrender and accept where I am. Toward the end of summer, at the
beginning of my job search, I felt lost and scared and frustrated. But
for the past few weeks, I have managed to keep this feeling of calm.
Even while working as a temp at a job where I don't use any brain
power and where I am being paid much less than I'm worth. I've been
appreciating this new experience of office work and the fact that I'm
out in the work world and bringing some money in.

Then, yesterday, I get a message from the temp agency. They have a
direct hire position that they want me to interview for. As I drive
home, my excitement grows. It's a good day. I'm smiling and singing
along with the music. Then reality hits. I actually talk to my
contact. The job is for a janatorial service, the pay is the very
bottom number that I'm willing to accept (and it's really not what I
want).

As quickly as I floated up on my cloud, I am brought crashing down. I
am hesitant. I know I don't want this job. But I don't say that. I
agree to interview. I hang up and can feel tears stinging, ready to
fall. I hold them back. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel this
uneasiness in my chest. I have come to a place of acceptance and now
it's being striped away from me. Is this what I deserve? To work in
the office of a janitorial company? I try to make myself laugh about
it, but it's too fresh to feel humorous.

This morning I called to say that I did not want to interview for the
position. And today I can laugh at the irony of the universe sending
this job to me.

I still have so many lessons to learn. I need to learn to speak up and
be honest, without being afraid of what others will think. That's one
of my biggest lessons, and perhaps that's why I'm being offered such a
job. I believe the right job is out there for me and that I need to be
patient and persistent and I will find it.

I want to end this with a quote that my brother sent to me in response
to reading my blog. I want to say thank you to everyone who has read
my blog and all of the wonderful feedback I've gotten. Already, two of
my goals for doing the blog have been accomplished: 1. I'm openly and
honestly sharing myself and 2. A connection is being made with others
that otherwise would not exist.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to
be? You are a child of the Universal Spirit. Your playing small
doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened
about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as
children do. We were born to manifest the glory of the Universal
Spirit that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's
in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the
same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others."

2006-11-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

I stepped out of the warmth of my cooking class and into the crisp night air to find it surprisingly quiet. The streets of San Francisco are usually full of people moving about. But not tonight. The change of seasons is noticeable in many ways: the cool weather, darkness sets in earlier, and people make their way indoors. As I approached my car, I opened my purse to get my keys when I found the box of raspberry flavored "panda" licorice I had bought just hours ago, before class.

I was tired, cranky, and frustrated when I arrived at Real Foods (where I do my cooking class). I had been asked to do something at the end of the work day, which resulted in my having to stay a little bit late (I'm a temp so I don't feel any obligation to put in the extra effort, especially when I should have been given the task before 4:45). Then there was the hour I spent in traffic to get to class. My stomach was growling and as I wandered through the store, the "panda" box caught my eye. I loved this licorice when I was a kid. I bought the box and reluctantly put it in my purse. I wanted to open it and eat at least a few pieces right away. I knew it wouldn't satisfy my hunger, but still there was a comfort in knowing it was hidden away for later.

I entered the back room where we do our cooking and could feel the energy change. I walked around checking out the recipes for the night: collard greens in coconut oil, Indian spiced tempeh, pork in a tomato cumin sauce, brown rice with seaweed. More people filled the room, washing vegetables, chatting, observing. As we began to prepare the food, I found myself extremely focused on my recipe: cutting, chopping, squeezing, blending, simmering. The wonderful mixture of aromas from the different foods filled the air. By the time we sat down to eat, I realized I hadn't even noticed my hunger since I had walked in the room.

Our topic for the night was: the skinny on fats. We had used good quality fats in all of the recipes and sat down to discuss the benefits of fat. We talked about our personal relationship to the word "fat", as well as the feelings that arise when we think of fat. Calm was the first word that came to my mind because foods high in fat are what I use as comfort food. Then I thought of the negative connotation associated with fat. I don't like the word. I have a love-hate relationship with fattening foods (ice cream, chocolate, cheese). I crave these foods, but then feel guilty after I eat them. This is an area that my health counselor and I are exploring. I am working to put good quality fats into my diet, so that I don't have to feel guilty about what I am eating. (As a side note, I went to a Wellness conference over the weekend and one of the speakers who is a raw foodist made a statement that has stayed with me. He said, "I now eat whatever I want, whenever I want, where ever I want, and as much as I want with no guilt, fear, or shame." He repeated this twice so that it could really sink in. I wonder how many of us out there could honestly say the same.)

When the night was over, I felt full as usual. And not just from the food (although it is always delicious). I felt full of thoughts, full of energy, full of positive feelings. That's why, when I reached for my keys, I was surprised to find the box of licorice. The sweet that I craved earlier had been forgotten once I filled myself with the nourishing presence of food, fellow souls on this journey, and the interactions between the two.

For more information on the holistic health program I'm doing you can check out this website:
http://www.fruitionhealth.com/

2006-11-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

I had a breakthrough this week. As I started my first week of weight watchers and made the decision to choose nourishing activities for myself at night, I was able to to take the time to read, to write, exercise, and have a clear and open mind. I started thinking about the process that I am in right now-a transition time in my life. I am no longer who I was just 6 months ago and I still am uncertain as to who I am becoming. The past few months I have struggled with this transition, feeling like I wanted to take the leap in becoming a new version of myself, but at the same time, not completely ready to give up all of the comfortable habits of my old self.

Then it came to me one night. I am going through the process of death. In order for my true self to come to life, I have to put my old self to rest. Inside myself, there has been a battle raging over the past half of a year. My old self is fighting to stay alive. Everyday that I crave a glass of wine when I get home from work, every time that I make a plan to go to the gym and then skip out, the nights I sit on the couch watching TV rather than choosing a more creative activity-that is my old self asserting its exsistence. Years of habit are hard to break. Even though I know that change needs to take place, change is hard. Up until this past week, my old self had been winning the battle. The changes that I wanted to make were overpowered by old addictions and routines. Then Wednesday came along...and my breakthrough happened.

I came home from work to find my boyfriend and a couple of friends watching a basketball game and drinking beer with a pizza on the way. Normally, I would have gotten myself a drink and joined in the festivities. Earlier in the day, I had told myself I would go to the gym after work. As soon as I walked in the door, I felt the conflict inside. I had just started my weight watchers program the day before, and beer and pizza were not part of the plan. As if led by a force other than myself, I went to my room, put on my gym clothes and got myself out of the house before I had the chance to talk myself out of the gym. Walking to my car, I found myself moping, wishing that I could be inside with a beer. Driving to the gym, my old self pouted about not being given permission to be as it once was. About half way there, the voice of the new me chimed in: "Once you get to the gym and work out, you are going to feel better and by the time you are done with your workout and back home, you aren't going to crave the beer or pizza. You are making the right choice. I am proud of you for making the healthy choice tonight."

And that was the shift in consciousness, the turning point. My true self had taken the lead in the battle.

Since then I have been thinking about my old self and the life I led. Before, I would have judgementally looked at this self as the bad version of me. Instead, I have been doing what you do when people die: looking back with kindness. I was a child and that part of me is dying. I was ignorant and reckless, irresponsible and destructive. I didn't know better. And I appreciate the fun and excitement that came with innocence. I have many wonderful memories from that part of my life. But now that I know better, I cannot continue leading that same life. Now that I know I have choices and that I need to be conscious and aware of my actions and the effect they have on myself and others, I must choose to be mindful. I must make the leap into adulthood.

For now, I am suspended in midair. I made the leap, but have not landed yet. For awhile, I have been looking back, not wanting it to end. Not ready to let go. But in this moment, I am focused on the vision ahead, looking forward...ready to make a landing. I know that when I do land, I will be ready to lay my old self to rest, satisfied with what I have learned from my past. And I will be ready to begin again, a new me-the true me coming to life.

2006-10-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

This one's for you Tiff!

My little sister, Tiffany, has been living with me for the past year. After college, she needed a new place to begin and San Francisco seemed just the place. She spent her year here working as a nanny at first, then at a financial firm. While working days at the financial firm, she took on a part time job during evenings and weekends, as well as babysitting.She's crazy, I know! But she had a goal and she did what it took to make it happen.

Her goal while in SF was to save some money and then go travel again. In college, Tiff spent a semester in Florence and was able to travel to a couple other European countries while there. I visited her in Italy and there are wonderful memories: a wine tasting excursion to the Tuscany region, buying a bottle of wine and drinking it out of plastic cups as we walked along the cobblestone streets, waking up late on a rainy morning and running to catch the train to Rome:-)

After college, Tiff and some friends spent a couple of months in Argentina and Brazil. Her face lights up when she reminisces about the small coastal town where they stayed in Brazil, the hot Brazilian men (you know what I'm talking about-tight red leather pants, black tank top, long, flowing hair), and her moves on the dance floor ("It's not hip hop," she was once told).

During Tiff's year in SF, she thought about where she'd like to travel next, for how long, and what she would do there. One week, she was going to Australia, the next back to Brazil. Finally, she decided on Thailand. She would get her TEFL certification and then teach there for a year. After months of research and almost choosing one program, then another...Tiff finally found the right place-Krabi-a scenic Southern town with lots of activities to do and sights to see.

Tiff left last Thursday to go home for a week and condense all of her belongings into one backpack for the trip. (Try not to tip over in the airport-mom told me about the 25lb. weight at REI!!) And off she goes tomorrow morning on yet another adventure!

There are four years between Tiff and me, so until this past year, we hadn't lived together in eight years. And although I didn't always take advantage of it, I appreciate that we had this year together. After Tiff left last week, I started thinking about all of the things I should have done or said while she was here. But "should" is a word I am trying to take out of my vocabulary. So I figure, although I can't take back time, I can say what I want to say to her:

I admire the woman you have become. You have a dream to see the world and you are taking advantage of this time in life to do that. You are brave and courageous! It takes guts to travel to a foreign land by yourself. You worked hard and have earned this moment (well actually, it's a year you've earned).

A wise woman once told me to keep saying to myself, "It's all happening!" And that all the things I wanted would come to me. Well, now, I say to you, "listen to your own words-it's all happening for you". You are making a dream come true. Of course there will be moments of anxiety and uncertainty, but I have faith in you and know that this trip is going to be an amazing time in your life!

2006-10-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

I am on a spiritual journey.

I became restless about a year ago, realizing that I was not happy with many aspects of my life. Stress and frustration consumed me at work. My body was tired and worn out, which contributed to my getting sick often. Instead of going to the gym after work, I would come home and drink a glass (more often than not, it turned into glasses) of wine while vegging out in front of the TV. I gained weight and lost interest or didn't have the energy for my hobbies.

This wasn't how I envisioned myself at 26. And it certainly wasn't who I wanted to be.

I made the choice to do something about it. I gave my resignation at work in February. Since then, I have not been sick once. I began to see the end of the road in a career that wasn't for me. I was reading the Artist's Way and doing my morning pages, which gave me a place to let my thoughts loose. In the Artist's Way, the word synchronicity comes up a lot. I like that word. In fact, it has become one of my favorite words: SYNCHRONICITY. I started paying attention to life again, noticing small moments that seemed like coincidences, but that meant more. These moments of synchronicity meant I was beginning to tune into myself, and in doing so, I was becoming in tune with the universal spirit.

I was not happy with my body and knew that I needed to make changes in my routine, and ultimately my lifestyle. I slowly started going back to yoga classes. A few here, a few there. One night, as I browsed through the upcoming yoga workshops, I stumbled upon a Women and Wellness class. I clicked the link, read about the teacher, and clicked on the link to the teacher's website. Synchronicity. I was lead to a holistic health community that helps women to take control of their health and wellness. It is not about depriving yourself or dieting. It is about looking at the relationship we have with food and learning how food contributes to moods and energy level, among many other things. I have been meeting with a health counselor and attending cooking classes for the past 7 months. This has been a gift for me and has unleashed a newfound passion in me for cooking whole and healthy foods.

I feel rested now that I've had 4 months away from any sort of work. I've had time to read more than a dozen books, get myself back into a routine of exercise, take my yoga practice to the next level, catch up on the past 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, cook and eat well, and start this blog. I am ready to find a new profession and am hopeful that I will be content with the work that I choose. I have had time to really consider the elements that I want in a job and am not willing to settle for the first offer that comes along. I trust that synchronicity will play a part, now that I am paying attention.

(Here is what Wikipedia has to say about SYNCHRONICITY-Plainly put, it is the experience of having two (or more) things happen coincidentally in a manner that is meaningful to the person or persons experiencing them, where that meaning suggests an underlying pattern)

2006-10-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

I dropped corn and black beans on the floor last Sunday. As I watched the tupperware slip out of my hands, I saw my insides flying to the floor with it. I lost it. After screaming a few cuss words, I slumped down onto the floor and started to cry. Softly, at first. Eddie had come into the kitchen and was helping to clean up the mess. I didn't want to cry, but the floodgates were open. Sniffling, then tears falling and huge gasps for air. I let go, releasing into the disappointment and sadness and fear that consumed me. I went into the bedroom and flopped face down onto my bed, stiffling the loud sounds of crying in my pillow. Eddie came and laid next to me, stroking my back, not saying a word. All of the stuffed feelings from the past week flowed out of me. Tired and beginning to calm down, I lifted my soggy face, wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve like a five year old girl.

I've had four months off from work. I was teaching, but realized it wasn't the job for me and so I quit. For three months I enjoyed the benefit of a paid summer off. I didn't start to panic until the end of September. Money was running out and bills were pouring in. I had sent out close to 70 resumes and gotten five interviews, none of which were the right job for me. A year ago, I would have freaked out; cried all day everyday, felt the anxiety twisting in my stomach, not left the house for days. But not now. I am changing.

"If you want to break patterns that no longer serve you, realize you have a choice, and choose to do something different than what you would normally do," advised my health counselor. This idea has become my mantra over the past month. Although I do have days where I break down and throw a tantrum (remember the corn and black bean incident?), those days are few compared with the ones where I recognize the fear, and choose to take action rather than let the fear consume me.

So, here I am. Today I make the choice to start a blog, to give voice to my thoughts and feelings. I am a writer. I do journaling, poetry, and short stories. I do not share my writing though. I keep it hidden in journals and notebooks and on my computer. I have been thinking about starting a blog for months, and obviously have had the time to do it, yet something kept me from actually doing it. Fear. Fear comes up a lot for me. But I no longer want to live my life afraid of what people think of me or wondering what might have happened if I had taken action. I am changing my old patterns. I am creating, and re-creating, the story of my life. I am journeying into places unknown: speaking my truth, being conscious and aware, looking inside myself, finding and honoring who I truly am. And I am asking others to join me on the journey-tantrums and breakthroughs and everything in between.